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What's winning the Internet today (03.07.13)

You Suck at Sex, Bro: Unsatisfied Girl Takes Revenge On Guy With His Own Cum When He Leaves the Room

By / 03.07.13

It's a sticky Saturday morning in July as I open my bloodshot eyes, roll over and take in my surroundings. I guess I put the old “get over someone by getting under someone else” into play that Friday night.

It was a third date and though this guy was far from giving me butterflies or making me see hearts, after a few $16 Manhattan cocktails I was willing to put that aside for some quality D. The air conditioner in his messy East Village apartment wasn’t working and I was ready to snatch my clothes and run out the door before I started sweating tequila and he woke up. Too late, he was up and so was his little friend.

Maybe I was feeling generous or maybe I was still drunk or maybe I was just horny but I went with it. He reached for my lacy thong and shoved his fingers inside of me; you would have thought homeboy was trying to stir pancake batter with his hand. His next move, an attempt to play with my clit, felt like a dog scratching for fleas. So as I lay there trying to hide the confusion and discomfort on my face, I decided it was time to shit or get off the pot.

I pushed him on his back and climbed on top to ride him. I would give him the benefit of the doubt and say that we just weren't connecting but I've had sex with people I kind of hate and it was better than this. Every time I'd get into a good rhythm and felt myself inch closer to achieving some semblance of an orgasm, he'd decide to thrust a few times which got frustrating and messy as he slid completely out of me.

Finally I gave up, rolled on my back and let him thrust away as my sweaty body stuck to his sheets and I struggled to ignore what felt like him trying to use my DD's to build a sand castle.

As I peeked through my closed eyes, as I was too embarrassed for him to make direct eye contact, I see him pull out and rip off the condom in time to cum all over my already sticky stomach. How considerate of him.

Feeling somewhat proud of himself, he marched into the kitchen to fetch us some water. A stroke of genius hit me, the only good stroke I had that morning, as I looked around for something to clean up with I saw the beautiful tie collection hanging in his closet. I wiped him off of me and then neatly placed the Hugo Boss neckties back in their rightful spot. Oops, hope they weren’t expensive.

Hell hath no fury like a unfulfilled woman covered in semen?

And now story #2

A few months back I was vacationing in California when I came across an old friend who was there on a business trip. One beer led to another and before I knew it we were back in his hotel sipping on champagne and getting in trouble from hotel security for playing music too loud.

I vaguely remember thinking through my champagne haze that I wouldn’t sleep with him but he took control and pretty soon we were both naked. In a feeble attempt to keep my promise to myself, I decided to kiss my way down his torso and try to avoid actual intercourse. We didn’t know each other well enough for that. However, drunk me found it totally acceptable to put him in my mouth. Drunk me was not being much of a lady.

About five minutes or so into giving him head he pulled back and told me to open my mouth. I opened my mouth, looked up at him and BAM. Shot directly into my eye. While jerking himself off with his eyes closed, he pulled up and missed my opened mouth entirely. I never saw it coming, until I saw it cumming.

At first I started laughing because it was so ridiculous but then the burning started. Imagine concocting a mixture of lemon juice and rubbing alcohol and then putting it into a spritz bottle and spraying it directly into your eye. That’s how bad it was. He kept saying how sorry he was as I filled up the sink with water and tried flushing out my eye. He stood in the doorway and apologized profusely saying he had always wanted to try that and thought it would be hot but his aim is just really bad. He also told me it was by the best blowjob he has ever gotten… Thanks bro, but you lasted 5 minutes and must have a fetish for making bitches go blind or seeing them in writhing pain.

For the next hour he brought me cool compresses for my eye and picked up eye drops for me along with a “sorry, I suck at sex” apology breakfast. He also went down on me, which I appreciated but was too focused on my stinging eye to tell if it was any good.

After the redness, stinging and swelling went down a bit I got dressed to go. It looked as if I had a slight case of pink eye so I threw on my Raybans and headed out of the swanky Cali hotel. On my way out, I ran into Joe Girardi. Turns out the team was playing the Oakland A’s and we were in the hotel they always stay at. I mumbled something about being a huge fan to Joe and scurried off before seeing anyone else during my walk of shame.

I wish I had known Derek Jeter and I were in the same hotel. I wouldn’t have kept him on third base. 

Till next time…

[Woman wearing tie image via ShutterStock]


TAGSbabeshooking upRelationshipsSex
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