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4 Worst Things Happening In America Right Now

By / 12.03.13

I want to preface this article by saying that I think America is the greatest country in the world. However, the United States is very much like Kate Upton. Yes she’s super hot, but it’s clear that she could stand to lose some unsightly back fat and tummy paunch.  Let’s talk paunch, people.

4. The Knockout Game

This one is very recent and fairly rare, but holy shit is it evil. Now, I have a very high tolerance for deviant behavior. I like jokes about dead celebrities and frequent efukt.com. But assaulting innocent people for amusement is disgusting on a visceral level.  I don’t care if the media is blowing it out of proportion; the idea of an unsuspecting civilian’s head slamming against concrete because some ratchet teens are bored is fucking awful.

Solution: Awareness. Yes, it’s funny when Deebo gets knocked the fuck out. Worldstar fights are entertaining. But morality notwithstanding, the specific nature of the Knockout game creates an extremely high risk of death. I don’t think these kids get that. I doubt most of them would participate in a game where you shoot someone at random and the Knockout Game is no different. If someone hits the ground after getting knocked out, they can easily die. I have some faith that participants wouldn’t play if they truly understood the consequences. Either that or insane amounts of jail time. Animals.

3.  Corporate Slavery

A Wal-Mart in Canton, Ohio held a canned food-drive for other Wal-Mart employees. A McDonald’s website suggests that workers “break food into smaller pieces” so they’ll feel full longer and spend less money. Poverty isn’t just relegated to drug-addicts, rather it is insured by the largest corporations in America. Insensitive people cry, “get a job” but what happens when the only jobs available guarantee a life of food stamps and homeless shelters? 52% of fast-food workers are on public assistance. Isn’t having a job supposed to protect you from that?

Solution: I was never business savvy, but it seems to me that as a CEO, I could easily relinquish a million of my 20 million dollar salary to feed my employees. That million would not buy me any more cool shit then I have, nor would it affect my superballer lifestyle in any way. I know we’re not supposed to think that way, “my money is my money, I EARNED IT! WAH!” and all that but when you make that much, just give it up. You’re probably on some bougie charity board anyway, how about charity for your fucking employees instead. Also the government can mandate higher wages. Obama doesn’t need Wal-Mart to like him, he doesn’t need McDonalds. He can find someone else to donate to his campaign, goddamnit.

2. Religious Theocracy

I don’t think it’s a grave injustice like everything else on this list, but it’s still horseshit. I simply don’t understand how religious beliefs can affect laws in this country. As a whole, we’re progressing, but the fact that the Bible affects individual lawmaker’s decisions is fucking crazy. We had a president limit stem cell research because he thought he spoke to Jesus. People weren’t allowed to get married and scared to get abortions because other people believed in a book of made-up stories.  How audacious are you to believe that your religion should dictate a multi-religious country?

Solution: Time. As time progresses, so do people’s thinking. I have no problem with practicing religion (I think it’s silly, but fine be silly), but as time goes on it will be marginalized from American law.

1. Gun Violence

When I say “gun violence” I don’t necessarily mean inner-city hood drive-bys and all that. That’s a huge problem, but I think criminals will find ways to kill people no matter what. I’m talking about these horrible mass shootings perpetrated by lunatics on innocent people. Crazies who went out and got a free gun after spending 50 bucks at Dick’s Sporting Goods then turned them on students and moviegoers. These are atrocities that we all know can be stopped with relative ease.

Solution: Harsher gun laws. I don’t care about the Constitution. I really don’t. The Constitution also permitted slavery and those weird white wigs. There are parts that still apply and there are parts that don’t. The right to bear arms is one of them. For those that cry “hunting” or “protection”, they can still be a redneck without an assault rifle. Nobody needs an assault rifle. As for regular semi-automatic pistols, let’s take a look at how Japan handles them.

“Applicants are required to go to the hospital for a mental health test, and provide police with a medical certificate attesting their mental health and drug-free status….. Then police then investigate the applicants’ background, relatives and group affiliations….. Only after all that can a Japanese citizen buy a gun. Even then, gun-owners are required to store the gun in a locker, store ammunition in a separate locked safe, and provide for the police a map of the location of the locker”

There are 130 million people in Japan. They had 11 deaths in 2008. There are 313 million people here, we've had 10,000 deaths since Newtown. Let’s do what Japan does.

That wraps it up for me. Think my solutions are over simplified? Goddamn right. We keep it simple in my America. Less guns, more money. Sounds good to me.

Follow Krum on Twitter. 

[Burning World image via ShutterStock]


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