Life
by J. Camm on January 16, 2013

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Today we aren't talking about the times when our penis fails us, but rather, those times when it can get overeager and represent us too well and for no logical reason, especially when it happens at the most unfortunate of times. It's not crystal clear to me what causes our dicks to just decide to rise like the phoenix — without fiddling or proper cause (see: big sloppy tits, with salad plate-sized areolas) — but uncontrollable boners have plagued men since the stone ages. And while I don't think any historical statistics can back up that statement, I would be shocked — full-fist-in-the-ass kind of shocked — if any man came forth to dispute that declaration.

Like most of you, save for anyone with severe erectile dysfunction (cue pity), I have had to perform the tuck up, employ the hunch-over, and utilize numerous boner pillows in my day. Sadly, though, situations sometime arise where either we cannot hide our erect phallic or our boners have come at the worst possible time. And while that time or occurrence might not be indicative of your sexuality, shit happens. Look on the bright side: we may get phantom boners at inopportune times but at least our genitalia doesn't bleed once a month — the grass is SO much greener for dudes, you guys. 

1. While overhearing your parents having sex

Quite possibly the most disturbing scenario. If you show me a person who likes or yearns to hear their parents fuck, I'll show you someone who is bound to be institutionalized in adulthood.

2. At the beach

I once bared witness to a man walking on the beach with a full hard-on, while wearing a g-string. That's right, not only were hundreds of people exposed to his diamond hard dick, but we all got to revel in the flossing of his asshole. A very unsettling sight. To make matters worse, this douchebag wouldn't even lie down until his penis became flaccid, and once it did, he immediately massaged it back to stiff and then continued to comb the beach. My only guess is that his dick doubles as a metal detector. Although I think the treasure he was looking for could only be found in the asshole of another man. And people wonder why I left Miami…

3. During a high school wrestling match

The last thing a straight man wants to be called is “gay,” but if you suddenly have a case of penile rigamortis in your singlet, mid-match, your fate for the rest of your high school career and well into your early 40s is all but sealed.

4. While wearing a cup

I don't know what a cracked cock looks like, nor do I care to Google it and find out, but I am willing to guess that that would be the tragic outcome of a violent collision while wearing a cup and having a boner.

5. While giving a speech

This really only applies if you're not standing at a podium that conceals your entire lower half. The embarrassment without a podium is obvious, so I'll touch on proper boner etiquette with a podium. If the situation presents itself, I encourage people to jerk off while they're giving the speech (ladies, feel free to thumb punch your bean as well). Whacking off will cause you to focus less on the crowd and it will almost certainly make you speak with supreme eloquence. As long as you keep one free hand to make non-verbal gestures (that means you can't coddle your balls — sucks, I know) no one will be wise to your whacking ways. Remember, you should never waste a good hard-on. There are a lot of children starving in Africa who would kill for the chance to masturbate in public and eat a hot meal.

6. While a doctor examines you for a hernia

The only thing worse than your penis not representing with a gorgeous hang during this awkward encounter is if it gets too excited and goes full throttle while your doctor is fondling with your balls. Clearly this would suck if your doctor is a male, but this could be awkward even if your doctor is a hot broad, especially once you run your fingers through her hair.

7. In a locker room

Unless you somehow managed to waltz into the women's locker room and become part of a gigantic 26-person orgy, with you being the only male participant, sprouting wood in any locker room is off-limits. You know what else should be off-limits? Old men who parade around gym locker rooms without a towel. 

8. While watching two men kiss (and you yourself aren't gay)

Watching two women make out, unless one or both resemble Rosie O'Donnell, can be very arousing. If your dick dances from that, no one would think twice, but if you happen to develop wood while unintentionally observing two men make out, you better pray to God that either a gail-force wind just came by to blame it on, otherwise you're going to look like a real cum swatter.

9. When you are trying to take a piss 

There are two distinct classifications of this type of hard on: morning wood and the post-sex stiffy. I'm certain this could go without mentioning, but not even solid oak can rival the strength of a breakfast boner. The extreme blood flow of morning wood causes it to be a real burden to pissing with one. The post-sex boner, however, has another unique element to it. Instead of a stream, your nozzle now has a spray option — like a bottle of Windex — so not only do you have to push your penis down and get on your toes just so you can hit the toilet but you now need to hope that more than half of your piss even gets in the fucking bowl.

10. While being photographed

Memories fade but photos last forever. Particularly if it's your prom photo and your parents keep it on the mantle even though you clearly have a sadistic boner. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Because I'm feeling especially saucy today, I have decided to add a few bonus scenarios that we can all relate to.

While Dancing

Let me start by saying that if you get a hard-on from a slow dance you have deep-seeded cock issues. The dancing I am referring to is when you grind with a girl (or a guy if that's your alley of choice). We all know the cause of the erect ligament, you're turned on, so don't be ashamed. Jab that healthy cock of yours into her thigh hard enough and you might just get a blowjob out of it. If she's a prude and won't blow you, at least she'll have a contusion so deep that she'll be walking like she has a bullet lodged in her leg for weeks.

Falling down a flight of stairs

The backlash of this is so evident. Your dick = Detached.

Being called to the chalkboard in school

The tuck up method is the way to go if this ever happens to you. Good luck doing that while everyone in the class is watching and waiting for you to walk to the chalkboard.

While reading this article

Don't be afraid. We're all friends here…