Nobody in their right mind wants to crap their pants so when nature calls, you better hope you can find a place to unload as soon as humanly possible.
With that said, as important as it is to leave your britches stainless, there are some places that are so vile you begin to second-guess the innate instinct to not shit yourself.
Whether there’s a potentially-diseased toilet seat or a mass audience waiting to gawk at you after you’ve finished up, there are some places that leave you wishing you didn’t ever have to poop which is a damn shame.
It’s hard to explain in words but a comfortable, undisturbed dump is an unmatched feeling — on the complete opposite end of the emotional spectrum from disgust and embarrassment.
I’ve used a set of ten criteria when making the list of worst places to take a shit: freedom, confinement, distance/proximity, likelihood of piss/poop on seat, awkwardness, stationary structure, noise, bathroom upkeep, risk, and toilet paper (disturbingly weighed the least of all the criterion).
Before we get started — just to clarify — “your pants” doesn’t qualify to make this list. Although it encompasses pretty much all ten of these factors, your pants isn’t an actual physical location that you visit, such as an airport or a bar.
All in all, shitting your pants is one of the worst situations a bro can get himself into — truly as embarrassing as it gets, but the aftermath is usually laughable in some sick, demented manner.
With all that said, let’s get onto the list:
You’ve probably got a lot bigger problems then worrying about taking a dump comfortably if you find yourself in jail, but I can’t imagine that this process would be enjoyable whatsoever. Based on location alone — with absolutely zero freedom to choose, this is the heavyweight champion of places I would never want to shit and I can’t see anything really toping it — ever.
Criteria matches: freedom; confinement; likelihood of piss/poop on seat; awkwardness; noise; bathroom upkeep; risk
2. The Beach
So many factors make the beach an unbearable place to poop. Mass amounts of people; sand everywhere; extreme heat — just to name a few. I think the distance/proximity factor is what makes the beach at No. 2 though. You can’t unload in public so you have to find a porter potty and the closest one could be a mile away.
The idea of prairie dogging across a beach sounds absolutely miserable. If nature calls when you’re by the ocean, there’s little hope that you will come away from the situation unscathed. There are so many things that could go wrong.
Criteria matches: confinement; distance/proximity; likelihood of piss/poop on seat; stationary structure; bathroom upkeep; toilet paper
3. Planes, Trains and Automobiles…and don’t forget boats!
Boats should hold a category of their own because having to take a shit while fishing is all sorts of disturbing, especially if you have to row back to land if you’re not on a motor boat.
As for the other mass transit systems, I think they are pretty self-explanatory. All of them are confined in space and extremely awkward to exit. Most important, though, is that they are not stationary. It’s one thing to have a rattling toilet; it’s a whole other animal to have to take a shit in a place that is in perpetual motion.
Criteria matches: confinement; awkwardness; stationary structure; bathroom upkeep
4. Elementary School
I had to do this a few months back and it was so unbearable I almost crapped myself instead. Firstly, the height of an elementary school toilet makes it more awkward than any other toilet you’ll ever shit on. Secondly, the confinement of the stall is so cramped that you feel like you may not be able to push out your crap. Thirdly, the seat had piss all over it before I got to work. Add up those three factors and I think elementary schools warrant this high ranking, though I am biased.
Criteria matches: confinement; confinement, likelihood of piss on seat; awkwardness
5. Girlfriend’s Parents' House
This is by far the most awkward place to take a dump, far superior in embarrass-ability than an airplane or an elementary school. I wouldn’t wish this situation upon any bro because there is unlimited risk with almost no possible reward. The only silver lining I can think of is that the bathroom will be tidy, well kept and spatial. However, all those positive fly out the window when you think about returning to the dinner table right after you just stained her parents toilet with a steamy load of fecal matter.
You may be asking, “what about my girlfriend’s place?” More on that later.
Criteria matches: awkwardness; risk
No matter what the venue is or what you are seeing — sports or music — there is no way that a stadium is an ideal place to take a dump. It’s super noisy and hectic and, the wait to go is unmatched with other places on this list. If you HAVE to go at a sporting event, tough shit, wait your turn. These types of situations have led to grown men shitting their pants.
The bathroom upkeep at these places is atrocious too, perhaps the worst of all the places on this list. With that said, there’s no awkward feeling and no risk involved when taking a shit at a stadium.
Criteria matches: distance/proximity (waiting in line); likelihood of piss/poop on seat; noise; bathroom upkeep; toilet paper
7. Rest Stops
Rest stops are very similar to stadium toilets and that’s why these two locations are back-to-back on this list. The bathrooms at a rest stop are absolutely filthy, especially if you’re in a rural place or a foreign country. In that specific situation, rest stops may elevate on this list and end up as No. 3 or No. 4. However, this is a broader label for all rest stop bathrooms. Some are actually well kept, not to mention they have stationary and adult-sized toilets, which are a plus.
Nonetheless, the crowdedness of a public rest stop contributes to the general lack of space and leads to a deficiency in comfort.
Criteria matches: confinement; likelihood of piss/poop on seat; noise; bathroom upkeep
8. Amusement Parks
I’ve touched on this in the past — amusement park bathrooms are some of the worst places on the planet to go to the bathroom. There are so many little kids, amplifying the room and forcing you to reconsider why you’re even at the amusement park in the first place. Most importantly, similar to public swimming pools, untamed and uncontrolled shit is to be expected anywhere at anytime.
Criteria matches: likelihood of piss/poop on seat; awkwardness; noise; bathroom upkeep
Yes, bar bathrooms are gross in the same way as many other places on this list. What makes bars stand out though is the presence of alcohol and the destruction it can lead to in the bathroom. That’s why bars are qualified to make the list — there’s a high chance of piss on the seat, there’s a guaranteed awkward glance coming your way if your in there for more than three minutes, and, most importantly, there’s no chance you can leave if you’ve paid a cover. With limited freedom and that much risk, bars definitely belong on this list, if not higher.
Criteria matches: freedom, likelihood of piss/poop on seat; awkwardness; noise; bathroom upkeep; risk
10. At Work
Depending on where you work, this might not be too bad at all. However, bathroom upkeep is still a looming threat no matter how upscale the business is. Most importantly, if your office is small, then everyone will see you get up and go; and when you return, there will be lots of stares. Also, it’s worth mentioning the risk factor here although it is slight. Making a mess of the company bathroom could render you jobless — yikes.
Criteria matches: awkwardness; bathroom upkeep; risk
11. Any Girls’ Place
I think this broad location works perfectly as No. 11 because it’s definitely not the worst location compared to the likes of prison and an airplane toilet. A chick’s toilet is usually pretty clean and her bathroom almost always comes equipped with some sort of spray or fragrance to stabilize the odor afterward.
However, the awkward factor comes into play, as does the gambling factor. Taking a shit at a female’s residence, whether it’s one your having sex with or one that has attached the “friend” label to you, always comes with an increased risk that other places simply don’t have. You simply don’t know if you’ll still be friends or still be having sex once you get done with her once she gets a whiff of what you just did to her bathroom.
Criteria matches: awkwardness; risk
Writer’s note: I managed to get through this list without once bemoaning about the great outdoors because, let’s be honest, who doesn’t like to switch things up every once and a while and take a dump in nature. Am I alone here? I hope not.
[Man on toilet image via ShutterStock]