The ‘F*cking Sh*t’ Weekend Anchor Has, Incredibly, Been Fired
Michael Shannon reads the insane sorority girl email

5 Worst Places to Get a Blow Job

By / 04.22.13

Public Park

Taking your girlfriend for a nice walk in a local park just after sundown may seem like a genius and even slightly diabolical way to trick your little love muffin into thinking you are Mr. Romantic, when in fact, all you really want to do is twist her ears bright red underneath the monkey bars.

However, you might want to reconsider this evil (and perfectly normal) plan of attack, as public parks are infamous for being highly patrolled by law enforcement at night. That’s because historically speaking, the police have had to wrangle up their fare share of perverts, prostitutes, pedophiles, rapists and other kinky members of society who, just like you, thought a public park would be a great place to exercises their indiscretions without having to spend money on a hotel room.

Because of the stereotypes, now every law enforcement official that happens to come across a horny couple in the throes of mouth and organ passion in a public park immediately assumes the woman is a prostitute and the man is a cut-rate John that more than like traded a gram or two of dope for an enthusiastic knob slob. Regardless if you end up going to jail or not, you will definitely be harassed long enough to spoil the mood for the duration of the evening and perhaps even turn your love muffin off on the slobber arts for the rest of her days.

While Driving Along a Gravel Road

There are times when receiving a little road head is optimal; like during interstate travel where there isn’t a lot of stop and start traffic and the cruise control can be locked in for literally as many miles as it takes for you to reach your finish.

Yet, not all road head is good. In fact, one of the worst places to get your pecker puffed on a road that is either bumpy, gravely, winding, prone to surprise encounters with wild animals, like deer and moose, and roadways with high intensity traffic that have the potential to cause multiple car pile ups and unsanctioned bare-knuckle brawls along the median.

Any one of these roadway hazards is more than capable of turning your model-like boner into something that resembles an Rottweiler’s old chew toy. And if the thought of that pretty penis of yours starting to look like the Elephant Man is not enough to deter you from tonsil throttling your old lady in dismal back-road conditions, then perhaps having a lap full of vomit will. That’s because any surprise jolt that causes you to wiener spear your little love muffin’s gag reflex is more than likely going to make her puke all over you.

Believe it or not, that is just enough trauma for most girls to write road head off for good. Yet, it has been our experience that if women are drunk enough, they will just sling the vomit to the floorboard and keep on truckin’. Yeeeee-Haaaaaaw!

Alley Behind Any Dive Bar

While this may seem to be an extremely unusual place to get the ol’ munchkin waxed, it is literally one of the most common BJ venues for almost every touring rock band in the country with a U-Haul hooked to the back of their van. That’s because after the show is over, many groupies make their way back to that area to hang out with the band while they finish loading their gear back into the trailer.

It usually begins innocent enough, but then it always seems that by the time the rest of the guys are ready to head back to the hotel room, one of the girls is knee deep in a puddle of alley water trying to make the lead singer her boyfriend. Now while the code dictates that everyone in the band not jack-hammering someone’s face next to the dumpster is to wait patiently for them to finish. However, the codes say nothing about them having to turn away or refrain from commentating on the slobbery events in any way.

Still, no matter how bad it can be to skull-hump a stranger in the alley of a dive bar; there is always a wealth of humor, after the fact, which has a way of offering it redemption.

Elevator of a Five-Star Hotel

Love in an elevator isn’t the most practical place to sausage swab the lips of the drunken Filipino woman that you have somehow managed to pick up down at the hotel bar. Then again, they can be very persuasive people after fifteen beers and a martini, and regardless of apparent obstacles, rest assured, you will do it anyway.

Still, the elevator is one of the worst places to wet the walrus simply because elevator rides are short, security cameras are rolling and every now and then someone else wants on for the ride. It’s just impractical and nerve racking enough to make a man impotent for the rest of the night. Our advice is to save it all for when you get to your room.

Port-A-Potty Outdoor Concert

When hanging out at any music festival, it is always wise to take some time to scope out the area and attempt to strategically plot out some quality places where you may be able to give a few catfish gargling lessons to say, any drunk chick that shows you her boobs. Unfortunately, these types of outdoor venues rarely have any private spots available for concert-goers to use as love bone taste-testing tents so, you will need to get creative.

However, as creativity is often matched by seething hormones and wicked desperation, by the end of the night, many people have a tendency to gravitate towards the one, obvious private place where sexual appetites should never be fed – the Port-A-Potties.

For the love God, launching a tonsil missile inside a portable crapper should be considered rock bottom, as thousands of people use these facilities during festivals to relieve themselves in the most foul and unspeakable ways. These things are the equivalent of a walk-in petri dish with wretched odors that have been rumored to cause bizarre illnesses for which there are no cures. For this reason, a Port-A-Potty is the absolute worst place to get your pole smoked. But if happens to be your only option, then well, partner, you're on your own.

[port-a-potty image via ShutterStock]


TAGSbjsblow jobshooking up
About Mike Adams...

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.

MORE STORIES FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Join The Discussion


Comments are closed.

Sign Up