After a couple full weeks of drinking and doing ridiculously dumb shit, we woke up for class today with a couple extra black and blue marks all over our bodies. Whether it was from drunk sledding this past Friday night, or thinking it was a good idea to exchange licks with our hammered bros, we’re definitely a little more sore than usual today.
It may or may not have to come to your attention that there’s been a recent plague amongst college students known to scientists as “The Unknown Bruises Epidemic.” Seemingly to spring up out of nowhere, the bruises strike in the morning (well, morning-ish, if you count 11 as still the AM). They appear across legs, arms, hips, faces, and even strung along one’s neck.
These bruises seem to have no cause, as there’s no memory as to where they could have come from. What could have possibly formed that large, purple blotch right above your ass cheek? How did you get fifteen different bruises across your neck? Who or what could have done these things? The answers are still unknown and the plague untreatable, as a coinciding symptom of “The Unknown Bruises Epidemic” is a complete loss of memory of preceding events. Many of the questions arising from this plague are similar to that of an alien abduction, causing us to wonder if some otherworldly influence is involved. We’re urging all partygoers to be on the lookout and use protection against this epidemic in an effort to put an end to this painful, uncomfortable and often times embarrassing disease.
Sore *Insert Body Part Here*
Don’t attempt sloppy drunken sex that will only lead to the inevitable penetration of somewhere no man should ever go. Believe us when we say it’s not worth it. Remember, if you can’t bend that far sober, (i.e. “dropping it low,” or “dropping it like it hot,” or “backing it up”) you still can’t bend that way drunk.
There is not cure for a sore arm/neck/back/dick and all it does is keep you from going just as hard tomorrow. We’re in it for the long run bros. We want to party hard every day, not every other day. If you can’t keep yourself from getting flexible, maybe it is time to hit the gym and stop being so goddamn sore every day.
This is a seriously stupid injury. Smoking while intoxicated almost always leads to smoking cigs till the damn filter, and thusly burning your fingers. There’s always the chance of mishandling the cigarette, and burning your own hand, or worse, putting the wrong end into your mouth, seriously handicapping your ability to drink the rest of the night. Our advice: smoke first, drink second.
Don’t be that lame bro that can’t handle the nightlife and looks like a burn victim for the rest of the night. Remember, nobody carries around Neosporin so that shit is going to hurt and unless you’re a bitch, you’ll have to muscle through it to continue drinking. Why put yourself through that? Just remember how to be cool and smoke a cig like an adult.
Cut Upper Lip
Cheers-ing before a drink is one thing, but drinking out of a bottle that’s been chipped is another. Don’t try to make someone’s beer foam over (waste of beer, dude, and seriously lame), and it doesn’t make you more of a badass if you manage to open your beer on the side of a table without an opener after hitting it ten times (monkeys can do that too). Try not to spill blood all over the BP table with your side beer. Party fouls will never get you laid, and a cut upper lip will making hooking up nearly impossible.
Believe us, we’ve been there. Ouch.
Broken *Insert Body Part Here*
Don’t play on roofs or stairs while drinking, and avoid anything involving a motor, blade, or engine. Stick to good old fashioned making out and beer pong. If you use your adrenaline on the wrong things, when you can barely walk straight, you’re asking for disaster.
Nobody wants to stop shotski-ing and take a trip to the E.R. Not only does that seriously cut into future booze money, it’s a straight up buzzkill. Adios party mood, hello serious responsibility. Keep your cool and don’t be a fool. No one can look good in a cast.
This may be the most common injury of all. It happens nearly every Friday night. We advise you to never really be Sorry For Partying. Avoid going too far, avoid embarrassing pictures, and well, avoid everything we’ve listed above – that includes anything permanent (unless it’s a hilarious tattoo, in which case, go for it!). Remember that if it’ll make you shit your pants or have to call your parents for money, it’s probably not worth it – even if it’s a killer story.
But then again, what do we know? Feel free to prove us wrong!
This post was originally published on Sorry For Partying.
Drunk Bro pic via Shutterstock