I get a lot of questions in my weekly mailbag about how Bro should groom his dick hair. Since I've grown sick of answering that question -- I've answered it easily twenty times -- I figure why not let Adam DeVine just do it for me. This way, if you leave your scrotum a shredded mess, you can't point your finger at me, your best friend in the whole goddamn world. So here goes
BroBible's Exclusive Interview with Adam DeVine: Adam DeVine’s Favorite ‘Arrested Development’ Moments and a Very Special Graduation Message
From the interview with GQ:
GQ: For someone who hasn't done it before, what is your step-by-step process to shaving one's junk?
Adam DeVine: If you've never shaved your junk before, you need to block off two hours of your time, because it's going to get serious. There's going to be some heavy lifting down there, but don't be afraid. You can take Norelco's Click & Style in the shower, where I like to do my shave, because you don't want to leave little pube trimmings all over, because then your bathroom's just a mess, and when your loved one comes home and there are pubes all over the sink, and around the toothbrush area—that's break-up material. So, just power squat in the bathroom and go to town. Just trim away, man. Don't be afraid. If there's some density to it, start off with the beard trimmer. You also don't want to go too close, because you're not trying to look like a nine-year-old. You know, you're an adult male, you've sprouted. Your voice has dropped. Your balls have dropped, hopefully. And if they haven't, that's another issue that you have to deal with.
GQ: What's your advice for grooming the more sensitive regions?
Adam DeVine: Never get too close, and be careful on the balls area. If you nick yourself a couple times, all of a sudden it's gonna look like you have a severe herpes outbreak on your sack. Not a good look.
GQ: Does your wisdom on nicks come from personal experience?
Adam DeVine: I have nicked myself before, and then it's like a weird explanation about how I don't have an STD, and how I just nicked my balls. But also, girls don't want to know... It's like how we don't want to hear how they poop. They're supposed to be angelic creatures who don't do anything disgusting. They don't want to hear about how we power-squatted in the bathroom and shaved our nut-sacks. So you really have to do a good job down there, and make it look like, Hey, I'm willing to maintain this. I'm willing to put in the work for you, because I love you and care about you. But also, I'm not putting in that much work. You don't want it to be too nice. Have it look good, but don't make it seem like this is what you spent your entire afternoon on.
GQ: What do you make of women's expectations for men's pubes?
Adam DeVine: If you get to a spot where you're pulling out your stuff, they want to be able to see it. I think that's the main thing for them. They want to be able to look down and know that you have a dick. And if, you know, if you don't ever shave, and you have just a wild jungle down there, and you only see the the tip, that's not where you want to be. And also, let's say you just have a normal, average-sized dick. You trim it, all of a sudden: Holy moly! Is that a porno hog I have trapped down there? It makes the dick look much larger.
GQ: Got it. You don't want to bury the lead. What else is a turn-off?
Adam DeVine: Don't try to shave her name into your pubic hairs. I did that. It was my senior year of high school and my girlfriend's name was Chelsea. I hope she doesn't read this, but, oh well, deal with it. She's married now. I tried to put a "C," a giant "C" in there, and it just looked like I had messed up horribly. She was like, "Ew, why did you just leave a horse-shoe? You look like you got kicked in the public area by a horse." And I'm like "No, I love you..." and she's like, "Never do that again."
GQ: That's incredible. Any other stray thoughts on pube-shaving?
Adam DeVine: No. I mean, my only stray thought is that I'm hungry, and I want to eat a sandwich. And that's another thing: Don't shave up in the kitchen. You don't want to get stray pubes in the sandwich.