I was doing my usual post-xvideos-internet-surfing. You know, that moment in your refractory period where you’re done being disgusted with yourself for watching “Midwestern Couple” p*rn but you’re still clear minded enough to not want to have sex with anything that has a vagina? That’s where I was. Laptop on my chest, letting the sweat on my forehead dry, going through my Facebook news-feed when a group of pictures came up. It was an album called “BFF Fiesta” and it featured a group of girls AND GUYS in their 20’s, drinking margaritas while wearing fake mustaches. Thanks to the fact that I just dropped major J-Train Juice (when I climax I always yell “The Juice Is Loose!”) into my blankey (my cum rag) I was clear minded enough to not want to bang these chicks and instead I got mad at these pictures. I was so mad I wanted to reach through the screen and rip the mustaches off of everyone’s face and throw them to the ground, as I cried and yelled, “Stop doing this to me! Please!” This would be the most awkward outburst ever, but it’s only because I know one thing: the “fun” pictures on your news-feed today will inevitably become your future.
I can see it now: I’ll be at a party having a red solo cup full of vodka/soda/adderall (I call it never-ending-boner juice) talking to some dude about his job I don’t care about when I’ll hear a piercing screech from behind me, “Mustaches!!! Come on ladies!!! YOLO!!” At this moment I can only imagine my penis will creep inside of me like a turtle who’s afraid of an oncoming hurricane. I’ll have to whisper, “It’s going to be fine buddy, stay strong.” Then the guy with the job I don’t care about will ask, “What did you just say?” and I’ll have to point and answer, “look, fake mustaches.” We will then both turn and see a group of well dressed girls doing their most racist impression of Mexicans that they had no intention of making racist. That Dude and I will smile, maybe even chuckle. And here’s the problem: I don’t want to laugh or even smile. I want to just stare blank-faced, no words spoken, and show them what it means to bomb on stage. I want to give them the same look I give when I smell someone else’s fart on the train, I want them to see a truly stinky eye. I want them to know that this is the least funny thing I have ever seen in my life. But I won’t, WE won’t. We want to get laid.
In every poll, in every women’s magazine like Glamour, Cosmo, or People, the ladies say they the number one thing they look for in a guy is a good personality (I used to read a F*ck-buddy's Cosmo while taking my post-coitus poop. Am I a man again?). Every Dude in the world rolls their eyes at this because it’s so far from our truth. Personality is a factor for us, like, 2 months into a relationship. We will laugh at anything a girl says for the small chance that we will see whether her areolas are silver-dollar-shaped-awesome or pancake-shaped-hilarious. We will nod, we will encourage, we will never say that yelling “YOLO” is INSANE. In our minds we might end up doing this chick doggy style and “slip” into anal and when she says “Hey!” we can just say “YOLO?”
Just know that anything we see on Facebook where we nudge our buddy to laugh at how dumb these chicks look is partly our fault. We can’t absolve ourselves of the stupidity until we stop encouraging it. So when mustaches and “YOLO” go out of fashion and girls start wearing Larry David style wigs and yelling "SLAM" (Summering Like A MoFo) we need to give them the stink eye and let them know this isn’t funny, it’s our fault when these annoying pictures show up on our news-feed, it’s our fault that the species doesn’t evolve to have better, more entertaining parties. Unless she’s a really hot Larry David, then go ahead, slap on a wig, and see if she’s willing to YOLO on your balls.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and plenty of penis jokes. Also, his quarterly show is tonight at Stumble Inn (76th and 2nd Ave). Feel free to come and tell him how much you liked the column, he’ll probably buy you a shot.