computer-sex

Ain’t it glorious to live in the internet age? The world is more interconnected than ever before, making it easy to maintain connections across cities, states, countries–even continents!–in ways not previously possible. No longer do you have to pine away for your girlfriend who’s studying out of state. You’ve got the internet, my friend. You might as well be in the same room.

The technology that’s perhaps the most revolutionary in this is Skype, which allows for chatting accompanied by real-time video. You can hear AND see your significant other, which opens up nearly infinite possibilities for super sexy times. As someone who was simply relegated to phone sex with her long-distance boyfriend while she was in college, this is HUGE. It’s like starring in your own private little porno for two.

But, as Spiderman reminds us, with great power comes great responsibility, and Skype sex is no exception. If you’re going to engage in a computer screen conquest, there are certainly right and wrong ways to go about it.

Here are some things you should think about before having Skype sex:

Control your background

If the first thing you saw when the Skype video screen loaded was your girlfriend’s period bloodstained sheets, your wiener would go soft instantaneously, right? Hell, it would probably invert itself.

In the same vein, you should probably clean up your room a little bit before you log in. No woman can feel sexy when your bong, your dirty clothes, containers of quickly-rotting food, crushed beer cans, etc. are in full view. You want her to be engrossed by your boner, not grossed out by your living quarters. Tidy up just a little bit before you Skype.

Clean yourself, too

If sex were a movie, Skype sex would be the previews. So, show her the goods as they will be when you two actually hook up. Wash up. Trim your pubes. (It doesn’t have to be a perfect shear; just something a little more groomed than it would be otherwise.) Put on a clean shirt. Brush your hair. Look presentable. The key is turning her on enough so that when she finally sees you in person, she’s powerless to her own desires and immediately rips your clothes off.

Practice your ‘O’ face

Oh god, the first time I ever saw what my face looks like during an orgasm… the horror, the HORROR! When you are having an orgasm, your face will–and that’s WILL, not might, there are no exceptions to this rule–contort into the most awkward, twitching, convoluted mess you could possibly imagine. When you’re actually having sex, it’s not a big deal because there’s so much else going on that you’re not even paying attention, but when Skyping? Boy, your girl will be in for a rude awakening if you don’t get that weirdness in check.

Practice in a mirror, but if that’s too weird, record yourself when you’re by yourself so you can see what you look like and try to tone it down.

Practice what you’re going to say

You can only repeat “that’s so sexy” so many times before it’s boring/not a turn-on anymore, and trying to think up sexy things on the spot can be difficult.

Come up with a couple of one-liners you can change up so your Skype sex script doesn’t become monotonous, or worse, too weird to handle.

And for fuck’s sake, lock the door

There is nothing more mortifying than being barged in on when you’re jerking it, and the excruciating tenor of the moment rises about a billion-fold when your girl is on camera, attending to herself for your viewing pleasure. You don’t want your roommates getting a glimpse of her goods, and trust me, that is the VERY LAST THING she wants either. She’ll never Skype with you again if anyone but you sees her on-screen snatch, so please, sequester yourself and make sure the private showing stays private.

That’s it! Enjoy your future Skype sessions–and if you stick to my tips, your girl will, too.

[Computer sex via Shutterstock]