Life
by Bread Foster on March 28, 2014

Bikini-Baristas

When people hear the words “Male Fantasy” they think school girls, maids, and for some god forsaken reason bees. Everyone thinks that the slutty school girl getting spanked with a ruler is what every man wants. Give us some credit; we’re much more deplorable than that.

Baristas

We see her every morning; she greets us in the morning with a smile while everyone else is scowling. We’re nothing without that first cup, and that apron is hiding her cups. Behind every successful man, there is a great barista. Sure she never gets our name right on the cup, but she still draws hearts around it.

The Girl in the Car Next to You

Sure you only see her for a split second at a stop light, but that’s all we really need. Who is this mysterious girl, where is she going, how good does that seatbelt look across her chest? She has bumper sticker from a beach and a princess sticker. I know that beach, and my great great grand father’s brother was royalty.

Girls with Weird Pets

Bearded dragons, ferrets, and frogs. If she’s able to take care of something exotic, maybe she’s able to take care of us exotically. If she’s fine with handling gross slimy things, she’s probably into doing gross slimy things. Sure she probably has tons of tattoos and holes in her face but that’s not stopping us.

Redheads

Redheads have a reputation for having a bad attitude. You’d have a bad attitude too if you were pale and had freckles during puberty. But in their late 20’s redheads get hot again. We fantasize about red heads the same reason why we drive through Wildlife parks, to see something exotic.

Friends of Facebook Friends

She commented on your friends post and that tiny little picture caught your eye. You clicked, then you clicked, then you clicked more. Her pictures show she loves hiking and she’s been sky diving. She’s adventurous and now you want to ask your friend about her. It’s not creepy, this is the information age and it’s still less creepy than Tinder.

Judges

A woman in power that conceals herself under a robe? Sure most of them cake on make-up like an 80’s rock band and are old enough to have raised us, but there’s something about someone judging us and calling us guilty that gives us the tingles. She is the reason for ruining or making peoples day, so maybe it’s time someone does it for her.

Runners

She’s there and gone in a split second. It could have been love at first sight but you only caught a glimpse out of the corner of your eye. That neon sports bra and glistening sweat drives us nuts for the 1/8th of a second we see you. You’d try to catch her but we all know you get winded walking to the bathroom at Applebee’s.

Hookers

Most men will never sleep with a hooker; it’s one of those taboos that are just too terrifying to cross. That doesn’t mean that we haven’t look at craigslist and laughed. No one fantasizes about sleeping with a hooker, they fantasize about how gross the people who sleep with her are.

Cashiers

She always looks uninterested and tired but doing it in an apron seems sexy. She’s been standing on her feet for 8 hours but that rubber band pencil combo holding her hair up makes her sexy. She holds our bananas and she knows how to bag it up. We’ll never speak to her; you can’t talk to a girl who’s seen you buy Jergens.

Bread Foster is a comedian and human living in New York City. Follow him on Twitter @BreadFoster

Bread Foster

About Bread Foster...

Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.