How many times has a humorless bouncer told you that the club is at capacity only to lift the velvet rope for eight iPhone-clutching hotties plus three fat ones a moment later? Women rule nightlife with an iron vagina. And that’s just the entrance. Once you finally get in, you see the same squad chugging $600 bottles at some schmuck’s VIP table like gazelles at an African watering hole. Girls can drink a club dry without spending a dollar. Guys can’t even Google the place’s address without dropping a Benjamin. Unless you’re the creepy guy standing in the corner with a flask, and nobody wants to fuck that guy.
Every day I craft inspiring and clever status messages on life, love and society that constantly go unnoticed. Some 17-year-old posts a bikini-selfie and instantly receives 300 likes and an endorsement deal from Lululemon. And don’t forget those weird toilet pics. Girls post photos of each other squatting with underwear around their ankles and it’s hilarious. I take one mupload of my Chipotle shits and my account gets deactivated.
3. Hooking Up
There’s a website that’s gaining some traction among women known as HeTexted.com. The basic premise is that girls submit screenshots of “boys”s (I hate that word, don’t you?) texts, and anonymous posters chime in to figure out what said boy really meant. You know what my response would be to every single text?
“IT MEANS HE’S TRYING TO BEAT!”
You always hear women lament that they can ever find a guy. Blatant falsehood. They just can never find a guy who they deem worthy enough to have a meaningful relationship with. Any woman, I don’t care who you are or what you look like, can walk into a bar (or a Best Buy, for that matter) and find at least ten guys who are willing to have sex with her right there, on the spot, next to the memory cards. They may not find the perfect candidate for a boyfriend, but who can these days? Men have to be charming, funny and smart to close. Women just have to maintain homeostasis. And for some guys, that’s not even a deal breaker.
2. Working Out
Bench. Jerks. Cleans. Pull-ups. Pull-downs. Pushups. Dips. Squats. Curls. Lifts. Fuckin’ kettlebells. What do girls have to do at the gym? Elliptical for 20 minutes and some crunches while texting their besties. Women may constantly buy new clothes and makeup to keep up with Vogue, but their gym routine is a joke. And while yes, not every lady is blessed with a speedy metabolism, it doesn’t really matter. See #3.
1. Their Firm Grasp on Men’s Balls
While it may be a myth that men think about sex every seven seconds, it’s not far off. As a result, everything we do is motivated by an innate desire to attract women. Any productive thing we do is an effort to increase our chances of impressing the fairer sex. Ask any guy who has done something great the reason why he did it. I bet “to score” is at least in the top 3. The Beatles, Steve Jobs, and Gandhi all left their mark on civilization for one reason. Especially Gandhi, that horndog. A platonic friend from college once told this dude she that liked his basketball jersey. He proceeded to wear that ugly turquoise Pistons throwback every single week for the next four years. I’m writing this blog in hopes that some girl with a sick sense of humor will find it funny. I don’t think any woman operates her life like that.
Yes, “appeasing men” isn’t really why women rule the world, but these day-to-day interactions definitely point to who’s really running the show. Do you disagree? Find this disgustingly backwards? Have women fall over your every command? I hate you, Ryan Gosling, get off my blog. Leave your thoughts in the Comments Section!!!
Krum is a NYC based comedian that hates how easy women have it. Follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom.