In order to make the Top 5 Hottie index, the celebrity, athlete, or other notable hottie in question needs to be relevant at this moment and tearing up the headlines. Just because you're hot isn't enough. You need to be in the news.
5. Blake Lively, Carey Mulligan, and Taylor Swift
We have ourselves a three-way tie for 5th place this week. Blake and Carey finally rid themselves of their loser boyfriends (hipster Gossip Girl star Penn Badgely and Shia LaDouche respectively), making two seriously fine ladies swinging single just in time for Halloween. Taylor also makes the list for getting back at super-douche John Mayer, whom she allegedly dated, in her new song "Dear John." Now at least one person can finish the sentence: "If I had a penny for every time John Mayer was a douchebag…"
4. LeAnn Rimes
Infidelity is alive and well in America and Shape magazine decided to promote the cause by putting LeAnn Rimes on their cover this month. The editors didn't realize it would be a disaster to say Rimes was working out with the dude she was cheating on her husband with. A wise man once said, "all women are hoes except for your mother and your sister," so it's nice to see Rimes living up to the ideal. Then again, that's why we have AshleyMadison.com
3. Capri Anderson
Charlie Sheen never fails to disappoint. The guy definitely knows how to have himself a good time and it usually seems to involve booze, drugs, and women. This week he couldn't make a drama-free stop in New York with his ex-wife (who we'll get to in a second) and kids. Instead he changed Capri Anderson's life by beating up her bush and then beating up his hotel room. All of a sudden we know who Capri is, which isn't a bad thing, and her adult entertainment sites made sure to link themselves to the coverage. Let's hope Charlie recovers from that "allergic reaction" he suffered that night.
2. Denise Richards
Denise Richards was ready to make her way around the TV circuit this week to promote her appearance on BroBible favorite "Blue Mountain State." Then her ex-boyfriend pulled off another one of his typical benders and she ended up having to answer questions about it all week. They say that no PR is bad PR, right? And she looked pretty damn good when I saw her for five seconds on TV.
1. Bree Olson
How can anyone but the world's biggest hoe top our list this week? Bree Olson was given the honor by Howard Stern's listeners this week and it shouldn't be taken lightly given the voting website crashed with all the traffic it received. How fitting that the world's biggest hoe be crowned in the week where girls will all dress up as a "sl*tty _____ (fill in the blank)." Happy Halloween to all and hopefully a sl*tty pumpkin is waiting for you.