A Louisiana woman is facing a public bribery charge after offering to toss an officers salad in exchange for freedom after she was arrested for kicking the shit out of her boyfriend earlier this month.
Diane Thomas, 52, was arrested for slugging her boyfriend multiple times in the face and scratching him with her fingernails during an argument at the couples home, according to the Smoking Gun.
As an officer read Thomas her Miranda rights, she had a brief outburst, calling her boyfriend a “bitch” and claiming he “got in her face so she beat his ass.” Sounds pretty valid to me.
After Corporal Chris Ballard handcuffed her, she said that she could not go to jail because she had a “good job.” I have a hamster, Diane. That information is erroneous after the cuffs go on.
When Thomas realized that the officers were unaffected by her career success, she decided to up the stakes.
According to the Smoking Gun probable cause affidavit, Thomas said,
“If you won’t take me to jail I will get on my knees right now. Officer, I will even lick your butthole.”
If you’re making a plea to get out of handcuffs, this is the route you gotta go. Because there is no amount of jail time that is greater punishment than tonguing a man’s asshole. My poop shoot would need an extensive bidet cleansing, a Brazilian wax, and a scrub down with a heavy duty grill brush to even be considered anywhere in the ballpark of approachable, never mind lickable. Like I’m pretty sure if a human looked my asshole straight in the eye, they’d probably get back luck for two years. But have no fear because that’s impossible unless you have a weed whacker to cut down the forest that is my grundle. The tooshie trees have even started to grow dingleberries, which I wouldn’t advise my worst enemy to eat. Truer words have never been spoken…
So this officers’ appreciated Thomas’ request to be a martyr and let her go with just a warning.
Just kidding. She was hit with a felony public bribery count on top of her misdemeanor assault charge.
Shit.
[H/T The Smoking Gun]