‘Scientific Proof’ Why You’re More Likely To Cheat In The Summer

As I said in the title, this article isn’t going to be scientific for shit, hence the quotation marks. I’m not doing research, and frankly, even if I were to research, it would be Wikipedia based, which is like doing nothing at all.

Why you’re more likely to cheat in the summer, you ask? What is it about the months of June-September that make it seem like a good idea to touch the genitals of someone who isn’t your significant other?

I’m really not sure of the answer here. I do however, have a few pretty solid hypotheses, and so let’s get going with those.

 

Less Clothing:

Hang on a moment. I’m going to take a break from writing and allow my partner, Captain Fucking Obvious, to finish up this excerpt. Men and women wear less in the summer, thus exposing more flesh, thus creating desire, thus wanting to bone someone other than your boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe you wanted to fuck different people all winter, but the proof wasn’t standing in front of you all tan and dripping with sweat reeking of Summer Ale and poor decisions.

 

Less Responsibility:

Even if you’re not in high school/college and don’t have your summers off, there’s still a sense of freedom in the summertime that just doesn’t exist in winter. You’re more likely to take time off of work, stay out later at night, etc. and therefore you feel less tied to obligation and routine. I don’t care how in love you may be. A relationship is a chore—often kindly referred to as a, “commitment.” Did you know those two were synonyms? Now you do! Summertime provides that childlike nostalgia that makes us feel like we don’t have to do the shit we don’t want to do. Sometimes that shit can be our relationships…and as a result we may wander outside of them. This doesn’t make you a bad person. If anything, it makes perfect sense on a biological level too. If all you do during a day is work, eat, shit, and sleep…that doesn’t leave much time for anything else (like, I don’t know, let’s say, fucking).You have to keep eating and shitting (except girls, we don’t do that) but in the summer you can definitely pull off working and sleeping less…therefore opening up space for, said fucking. This intercourse can very well be with your significant other, but that’s not really what this article is geared toward. Give people more time to make mistakes, and they will. It’s a biblical prophecy—maybe; I don’t know for sure, I made it up, yay for journalistic integrity.

 

It’s Warm and What Not:

This is different from the less clothes one, I promise. Warm weather makes people happier, more independent, and more likely to get off their fucking couches and into the world. Shedding seasonal depression may also increase your sex drive. I’m sure some doctor, somewhere has said that. Winter is called, “cuffing season,” because you rarely leave the house and therefore having someone to spoon is a solid idea. Why gain 15 pounds and watch Netflix alone, when you can do it with someone you moderately care about? I’m kidding. Perhaps you really do love your significant other, Lord knows I do, but in these times it’s best to be practical. 75% of marriages fail….with statistics like that you can’t afford to be an optimist.

 

More Travel:

I’m not sure what movie I saw this in, or maybe it was some bullshit Cosmo article I read at the nail salon, but I recall hearing about a couple who had a mileage rule. Meaning, if either individual was a certain distance from the other, they were entitled to fornicate with other people—no questions asked. I sincerely doubt this agreement went smoothly. “No questions asked,” is a phrase that should be eliminated from the human language. There are always fucking questions asked. Women live and die by asking questions. Next to peeing sitting down, it’s one of our most defining characteristics. In the event you don’t have such an agreement worked out (which is likely) it would still seem that people are more likely to cheat when they travel. Distance doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder. In fact, “out of sight, out of mind” is a more apt adage here.

 

Winter is Coming

Cheating in the summer has an expiration date. Haven’t you ever fucking seen, “Grease”? Summer lovin’ had me a blast. Blah blah. The beach will close, the weather will get cold, and that’s that. The turning of a season is the perfect excuse to cut someone out of your life entirely. Technically that’s borderline sociopathic behavior, but logistically cheating in general requires a lack of conscious.

 

That’s really about it, folks. It’s warm, people are half-naked, you have less responsibility, you travel more and you have a get out of jail free card because summer ends and with it that your affair ends too. I’m hoping that I didn’t make cheating seem acceptable in this article. I’m just trying to explain the shitty human behavior I’ve observed. Don’t shoot the messenger.