Life
by A. Canty on June 24, 2014

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Since birth we have all been taught that marriage and kids are the only correct way to lead a happy life. I call BULLSHIT on the entire institution of marriage. Most of the married people I know spend half their time fighting, and the other half trying to remember how the hell they ended up in that cluster fuck of a situation. Getting married is like taking a bullet for someone. Everyone says how awesome you are for what you did, but no one wants to take your place.

Getting married for a guy starts out as simply wanting to stand by the woman you love, and evolves into just hoping for a few minutes to watch the goddamn game without being forced to listen to a 45-minute long story about how his wife STILL hates the same co-worker that she hated yesterday. Let’s get into the top nine reasons you should avoid marriage.

1. The Wedding

Guys, you will need your balls screwed on tight to get through this horrific event. A bride gets to be the center of attention the entire day, while the groom hangs in the back like Tito Jackson watching Michael moonwalk all over the goddamn stage. This one, dumb ass day will cost BIG bucks, too. The average wedding costs $29,000. That’s right $29,000 (like $70,000 if you live in NYC) to throw an ego parade for a girl, and the party only consists of flowers, some cake, and a D.J. Do you have any idea what kind of party a guy could throw with a $29,000 budget? If you gave a dude $29,000 to throw one party, I guarantee it would look like a Budweiser Super Bowl commercial.

What really sucks is that a wedding in NO WAY strengthens your relationship. Can someone please tell me how dressing up like a villain in a James Bond movie, saying a few magic words, and swapping jewelry helps us to bond?

2. Living Together

Living with a woman is like living on another planet where logic has not been discovered yet. When men come home, whether we live alone or with a woman, we all want a few simple things and here’s the list:

  • Silence
  • Food
  • Beer
  • Entertainment (sports usually tops that list since blowjobs went out the window the second we got engaged)

For some reason your new bride thinks that every single moment of silence is her cue to START TALKING! Every married man knows that horrible feeling when his wife sits down near him during the game and says, “Can we talk?” which only means the man either needs to pay for something or stop doing something he enjoys.

Remember how simple your bathroom was? It contained toilet paper, soap, towels, and a toothbrush. Now there are so many damn bottles in the shower that it looks like someone bought a meth lab starter kit. Why the hell is there underwear soaking in the sink, and hair curlers plugged in with random long hairs all over the sink, floor, towels and mirror? What’s with all the shedding? It’s like your wife is half sheep dog!  Every time I saw my buddy’s bathroom and I saw all the hair his wife left in there, I kept thinking, “how the FUCK is she not bald yet?”

3. Events

You might not realize it but getting married means you just signed up for a lifetime of random events you don’t want to go to. Every few days your wife will tell you about some dumb ass event she wants to go to, and you HAVE to come too. Men hate going to the following events:

  • Weddings
  • Funerals
  • Graduations
  • Graduation Parties
  • Open houses
  • Shopping
  • Company parties
  • Basically anything during the day on a weekend that doesn’t involve boobs or sports or beer.

It doesn’t stop there because for some reason you will ALWAYS be running late. Even though this shit is HER IDEA, you get to sit on the couch fully dressed while she sprints past you in a towel yelling ,“I’m almost ready” every ten minutes.

Newsflash: SHE WON’T BE READY FOR ANOTHER GOGDAMN HOUR! As you arrive at the event, you, as her husband, get the pleasure of meeting random people you don’t give a shit about and having your wife repeatedly ask, “You don’t remember them? You met them before.” The answer, ladies, is always NO! Don’t get mad at me because I don’t remember these assholes. Get angry at them for not doing anything memorable.

Men never drag their wives to shit. When was the last time you heard a guy say to his wife, “Hey, baby, Drew just got “Halo 4″ we’re going over there to play till 4am. Grab some chips and get dressed you’re going?” Men don’t drag women places because we know you don’t want to go, and if you did go you would just fuck it up for everyone.

4. Television

There was once a time when a man’s DVR was full of ESPN shows and random movies. Men only use about 30% of the memory because we usually watched the show that same night we recorded it. Now that you’re married the DVR is 99% full. What’s taking up so much space you wonder? Well it’s such awesome programming as:

  • Real Housewives of WHO THE FUCK CARES

Spoiler alert: This show is about random old ass women with fun-house-mirror-quality plastic surgery who married rich jackasses, and they drink wine and fight. They’re fucking 57 years old and act like 12 year olds! WHO GIVES A SHIT?

  • Scandal

Spoiler alert: At no point will the main chick take her clothes off….bullshit!

  • Grey’s Anatomy

Spoiler alert: I have been to the hospital and none of this shit ever happens. Grey’s Anatomy is an hour of people crying and breaking up, and random people dying.

  • 16 and Pregnant

Spoiler alert: This is literally what the title says. It’s about teenagers that got knocked up, and that’s it! That’s the whole show.

  • America’s Got Talent

Spoiler alert: Nick Cannon…I’m just saying the guy from the movie Drumline runs this thing… so yeah, it sucks.

  • Real World

Spoiler alert: THIS SHIT STILL COMES ON T.V. I thought this went off the air in 1999, but NO, it’s still on. They still go get seven random douchebags and have them live in a mansion, and then they flood it with alcohol and act surprised when someone flips out.

5. Rings

Let me get this straight. A man owes a girl an engagement ring that means he promises to marry her?  Then when he marries her he owes her another ring?  The guy has to wear a wedding ring as well? What man have you ever met that likes to wear rings? Why not make it fair? If a woman gets an engagement ring, then shouldn’t a man get an engagement big screen HDTV or an engagement motorcycle? Giving a man a wedding ring is like giving a snowman a bottle of tanning oil, we don’t want that shit!

6.  50% Of All Marriages End In Divorce

Marriages are only 50/50. What other long term commitment would ANYONE make if it only had a 50/50 shot at success? Would you buy a car if right before I sold it to you I said, “Ok, so this thing will only start 50% of the time and that’s the best you can hope for?”

Divorce can cost you big bucks. Child support and spousal support are just 2 areas that can kill your wallet. Spousal support makes absolutely NO SENSE! Paying spousal support is such a scam. The idea that I am legally obligated to pay for some lazy ass girl that I don’t even like anymore is nuts. If I get fired my former employer doesn’t keep paying me. Paying spousal support is like renting a car then returning it, but the rental place calls me every time the car is rented and expects me to pay for oil changes.

7. Sex with Only One Person for the Rest of Your Life

There is not a man alive that doesn’t shutter at the thought of never having sex with another woman again. Vaginas are like cars, you appreciate the one you have but you always want to get inside a new one. Sex with one girl, no matter how good it is, will become boring and routine. If every day for dinner you gave a man lobster, it wouldn’t take long before he would be willing to fist fight a grizzly bear for a chance to have a burger.

8. Blowjobs Go Extinct

WHEN DID THIS SHIT GO OUT OF STYLE? Now that you’re married, blowjobs belong in the same category as bellbottom pants, shag carpeting, 8-trackplayers, jerry curls and cheap gasoline. You’re never going to see that shit again!  Before you got married your woman would go down faster than Enron stock. Once you’re married your wife will treat your penis like kids playing dodge ball, the goal is to never take it in the face. In a marriage women are allowed to simply stop performing any wifely duties without question. I think men should start doing the same thing with their husbandly duties. For example, the next time you’re both asleep and it’s 3am and you hear glass break down stairs and your wife looks at you and says, “Go see what that was.” I suggest you look right back at her and say, “No. YOU go see what that noise was, the pistol’s under bed…good luck.”

9.  Your Freedom is Gone

The days when you could go and come as you please are over. Once you’re married your wife will ask more questions about where you’re going than a parole officer. Married guys have less freedom then a Guantanamo Bay prisoner. Being married is like being a prisoner of war… the only difference is at least POWs have hope because they can be rescued.  If you’re married, I’m sorry, but Seal Team Six is not coming to help you.

Take these words to be true my brothers and remember, they can take our lives but they can never take ……OUR FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Image via Shutterstock]

A. Canty

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