Life
by Aristotle Georgeson on January 25, 2013

6. The instant gratification of knowing
We’ve grown accustomed to knowing stuff RIGHT NOW. It’s a beautiful thing to have almost every piece of information ever recorded in our pockets and to have access to all that information within seconds. At this point I don’t think we’ll ever be able to not have that ability. It would be absolute madness having to spend more than a few seconds researching the answer to a question. I’m about to throw up just thinking about it. Google has literally changed our biology, we no longer need to worry about not knowing things anymore, but instead how fast we can obtain the knowledge and get back to watching cat videos.

Watch this clip by comedian Pete Holmes talking about this exact phenomenon:

5. Having to use ALL of your own thoughts?
When was the last time you wrote a paper where you didn’t refer to Google at least once? Just as I suspected, NEVER. Now, I’m not implying that you plagiarized; I’m just saying that Google is somehow involved in approximately 100% of all college papers. Pretty much everything has already been written about, or thought up and in one-way or another is online somewhere. Whether you use similar papers as a guide, or you straight up copy and paste that bitch, you can thank Google’s WebCrawler’s for giving you such easy access to better developed thoughts than yours. I’m glad I went to college when I did, because I don’t even want to think about what college would have been like without Google.

4. The sheer quantity of information
Pretty sure Google is the only place where you can find incredible articles on theories of human consciousness and why we exist and then immediately pull up pics of the blue waffle (don’t do it if you’re curious) within a 25 second time frame. We can find everything all the time and the pool of knowledge and articles and cat memes will never stop growing. How could we function nowadays if we didn’t have that? If I weren’t able to search who invented the toothbrush and then without delay find out what the GDP of Botswana is all while sitting at my desk, I would be so pissed.

3. Inherent laziness
The modern human is basically just a lazy, fat turd that doesn’t want to wear pants. Google has made gaining knowledge much more conducive to that sort of lifestyle. Common sense would have us believe that it’s much easier to do nothing than it is to do something, but when you can appear to be doing something while actually doing nothing, it feels good. Picture this, you’ve been on Facebook for like 6 hours then all of a sudden you decide you want to find out how they make glue. You Google it and BOOM! Now you know. You have basically done nothing but you feel like you’ve actually done something. There was really no effort involved, the sequence of events was: Type words in to Internet, know how they make glue, go back to doing more nothing.

2. Arguments ending in a draw
When it comes to tangible facts (not things that happened between you and another person) Google has changed the way an argument goes down. It’s no longer the classic, “I’m right, you’re wrong, one day we won’t have a grudge when we find out the actual answer.” Now it’s more like, “I’m right, you’re wrong. Oh shit, Steve Buscemi was in season 2 of Miami Vice. Sorry bro I guess you were right.” We could never go back to the old way of fighting and if we did, society as we know it would literally collapse on itself.

1. Googling yourself
Nothing says narcissist like Googling yourself, but everyone has done it and if you claim that you haven’t done it, you’re proving to everyone that you’re a narcissistic compulsive liar. Google knows all and how could we live our lives without knowing what the all knowing knows about us. We have to know, even if Google only has your Facebook profile, your Twitter and your Linked In, it’s better to see what the world can know about you than to not know what the world can know about you. Simply put, not knowing is sometimes far more terrifying than knowing (unless you’ve done some really shady shit and can’t cope with the amount of dirt you would find about yourself).

We’ll never really know what would happen to the world if Google (And all other easily accessible data sites) were stripped away, but it would certainly change our lifestyle immensely. It might start off negatively with confusion, bewilderment, agitation, anger and severe headaches from actually using our brains but perhaps we’d be better for it. Probably the only real way to find out what would happen is to Google what would happen if there were no Google.

Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that Googling yourself is the quickest way to realize that you are a loser. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.

Post a Comment

Your email is kept private. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>