Fact: functional alcoholism can be expensive to take public. Anyone can buy a cheap jug of sambuca and drink it alone in their bathtub, but taking the slop show on the road gets costly. It’s become class warfare in the bars. They’re trying to force out the thrifty, cheap, bottom-shelf-bathtub-gin-and fifty-cent-vodka crowd with their prices, so, naturally, we’re left to scheme on our own.Sure, if you’re the attractive type of lady, the type dudes have a natural proclivity for jamming their taut meatiness in, well, you don’t need any other redeeming qualities to harvest free bar drinks. As a person said pretty woman could be horrible—she could be pro-Jim Crow laws AND one of those people who doesn’t return their shopping cart to the cart corral in the grocery store parking lot—but it wouldn’t matter. As long as desperate, boring gentlemen sense there’s an outside chance she’d consider handling their dong at some point they’ll gladly buy her drinks, regardless of her twisted morals and apathy. Everyone else, we can’t get by on our looks or hot mouths. We don’t have to buy drinks either, but we do have to strategize.
Bring a Flask: Tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme. The flask strategy is rock solid. It works best in a crowded, dark bar. If it’s one in the afternoon and you’re sucking on your flask alone at the Applebee’s bar they’re going to notice, suspect you’re homeless, and send for whatever the homeless shelter equivalent of a paddy wagon is for you. If it’s busy, and you can abscond off the bathroom with whatever cups, mixers, ice you’ve foraged, you can pour yourself a stiff drink for next to nothing. Who knows, maybe there’s a legit, blizzard-of-a-party going on in one of the bathroom stalls and you can just polish off or barter your booze with your new friends. Really, the only downside to the flask is when it come to getting drinks for someone—because it’s going to seem pretty rapey if you have to run to the bathroom to get a drink for a lady.
Know a Mark: Sure, if you’re personal friends with Mark McGrath or Marky Mark Walhberg you’ll perpetually be a full-stomach-deep in quality drinks and molar-deep in quality pussy. Honestly, though, all you need an acquaintance who’s a solid, lowercase, mark. They’re always the target you try to get trashed because you know they’re going to start tossing money like Pac-Man Jones once they’re good and white-girl wasted. Some days they’re euphoric, other’s they might be like Kurt Cobain watching I Am Sam and super depressed. However, rain or shine, tears or giggles, poop or chocolate, they’re always buying drinks and you’re always there to cash in.
Take A Card, Almost Any Card: Much like binge drinking and casual sex, this is a risky game that’s oodles of fun. Essentially, you need a place where the bartender’s typically overwhelmed with orders, making multiple drink orders at once before a cashing anyone out. Act like you would if you had money and order a drink without whining about the price. They’ll tell you the damage and you’ll notice that other people have left cash or cards on the bar, anticipating the bartender cashing everyone out in the same order. Right here, right then, place an old gift card face down and quietly leave with your drink. Hopefully, no one notices and you’ll be gone before the bartender realizes she’s got a useless gift card to Border’s instead of payment. Social norms and reputations will be violated, but, come on, you like drinking and you hate paying for it, so why can’t someone else do that last part?
Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.