You’ve all heard about it, if you don’t already know it personally: the MILF Phenomenon. The crazy insatiable obsession with older women that men are forced to have; that natural desire to tame a cougar that we’re all born with. More frequently in the 21st century, men have found themselves lusting after older women, rather than try their hand at hitting on a near blackout 20-year-old, falling out of their shirt, and begging to do a keg stand. There’s something about the fact that they can buy their own drinks and actually like the fact that we’re still in a frat that gets us going.
With this geriatric craze becoming more and more common, we felt the need to examine what the big deal is with banging a chick that has already been around the block once or twice (or a couple hundred times) and can literally say they have a son our age. After extensive research in the field, here’s what we’ve found:
The biggest pull of a cougar is actually the fact that they’ve been around the block more than a few times. They know what they want and they want you to give it to them as soon as possible with as little inhibitions. If you’re not giving it to them correctly, they won’t be afraid to let you know. We’re down with that. There’s something sexy about the fact that they don’t need you to tell them how to do anything or take it easy. No need to convince them to try something new, they’re definitely game. We’ve all dealt with that girl who’s tried to convince us that it’s her first time or she’s just not ready and it’s a total drag. We don’t want to waste our time in the bedroom holding back so we don’t hurt someone’s feelings. MILFs don’t give a fuck. They’re ready for whatever you’re going to throw at them, and almost dare you to try to surprise them. Challenge accepted. MILFs also know how to please, another perk of their prowess. They’ve been with men, they’ve even had a kid or too, so they don’t need to beat around the bush. No MILF is ashamed of the fact that sex may or may not be her forte. She’s in it for the sensation, both hers and yours.
Some of them are married, some of them were married, and some of them never wanted to get married but still ended up with a kid. Either way, MILFs used to belong to someone else and that’s the quintessential drive for men. It’s all about the thrill of the chase. The fact that she’s an older woman just means you’ll have to try harder. Unorthodox in all the right ways, an older woman is the ultimate elusive target for men who want what they can’t have. MILFs also aren’t willing to give themselves up completely, loving the fact that there are plenty of men in the sea. You’ll feel crazy confident when you make her walk of shame the next morning after stealing her from those unlucky fellows who failed at the bar. Tame the beast!
Reputation. Successfully landing a MILF will make you one hell of a badass. It’s the sign of a true man nowadays and all your bros know it. You’ve graduated from your own age class and you’ve finally moved up in the ranks. Consider it an expert level. It’s like getting a master’s degree, or becoming a Jedi. You’ve realized that “wax on, wax off” is actually a karate move and now you’re ready for “clothes on, clothes off.” Not only will it be a personal source of pride, it definitely is a conquest that deserves to be bragged about. The best part? Your chick won’t care if you hit up the local happy hour and spill all the juicy details about your latest rompings. She’ll probably encourage it and literally drive you to the happy hour. She loves having a sexy reputation to back up her plastic surgery and leopard print dress. It’s the perfect accessory for any MILF. It’s a win-win situation.
Money. Money. Money.
We believe that it’s finally time to let the men be the gold diggers in this world. Enough of the old men and young chicks, that shit ain’t hot. We’re ready for our time to shine. A MILF has financial security that her young sweetheart can’t even imagine. She has her own house, her own car, and plenty of spending money. There are never plastic bottles of alcohol around if you’re with her, glass handles all the way. If she wants something she gets it, and that includes wanting to make you happy. Let her take you out to dinner and buy you clothes. Enjoy the life of being arm candy for as long as you can bro. GTL will be your only requirements in life. Sounds like a dream come true.
One Night Stands
Last but definitely not least, cougars aren’t in it for the long run. Been there, done that. What they want is something new, fresh, and fun. They’re independent and loving it. With a MILF you don’t need to worry about the future and your obligations; you don’t always have to call or even hang out in the daytime. She’ll be busy on Valentine’s Day and you never have to plan some emotional bonding time. You’re getting physical and that’s it. With a MILF, you’re free to day drink with the bros, watch football during prime date hours, and mosey over with a solid buzz to just get it on and then pass out. MILF loving is all about enjoyment. No regrets, no obligations, pure bliss. No wonder MILFS are a phenomenon.
This post was originally published on Sorry For Partying.