Facebook used to be my sanctuary, a bucolic retreat from the prying eyes of society. I could lock my door, light some candles and spend the following three hours pouring over uploaded photo albums with titles like “ACAPULCO ‘09 SPRING BREAK WITH MY GIRLS!!!” or “ΠΚΑ LINGERE PARTY <3 <3 <3”. It truly was a creeper’s paradise. However, like most precious gifts, Facebook became inundated by the masses and exploited by greedy opportunists. I could barely inbox an incoming freshman offering my services to “help her get around campus ☺." My paradise has become a wasteland. “Like” solicitations! Nightclub Invites! Status updates from Aunt Karen!
Now you may be thinking to yourself, “Wow, this Krum is an eloquent fellow, I wonder if he’s as good looking as he is articulate?” Fear not, I am indeed. But once that thought passes, you may say, “What’s the big deal, bro? click “Unsubscribe” and get back to liking bikini pics”. I’ve tried that. It’s like putting a Band-Aid over a gunshot wound. Some of you may even see me as petty, overly concerned with the most minute of social infractions while people are dying and leaders are corrupt. You’re goddamn right I am. I don’t know how to cure cancer. But I do know how to complain effectively. Baby steps. You go ahead and tackle world hunger. I’ve got Facebook on lock.
The Book has fallen off for two major reasons, which I will now expand upon.
Logging on to Facebook is like entering a Turkish bazaar. One becomes instantly bombarded with e-peddlers, begging you to ‘Like’ their page, take their survey, or donate to their cause. Amongst the most notorious hucksters are your “artist” friends. I’ve “Liked” countless DJ, musician, blogger, and artisanal pickle makers’ pages. What have I gotten in return? Bombardments of nightclub invites and pickle-related news updates until the pseudo-creative gets bored and moves on to their next hobby-of-the-week. I feel so used. As far as legitimate endeavors go, how are Facebook “Likes” gonna help your Dad’s industrial pipe fitting business, bro? Ease off the “Invite” button.
I was cool with donations until EVERY SINGLE PERSON I HAVE EVER FRIENDED DECIDED TO RUN A 10K. Grandparents and midgets and quadriplegics just hitting me up for sponsorship cash like it’s going out of style. It’s one thing to raise money for a good cause, but I can’t help but detect an element of narcissism in the endeavor. Maybe I’d be more likely open my wallet if I wasn’t subjected to daily pictures of your disgusting Movember ‘stache.
Finally, I thought Facebook was supposed to be free of erroneous clutter and intrusions. The whole reason Facebook overtook Myspace was because it was privatized and secure. SO THEN WHY AM I GETTING TAGGED IN ADVERTISMENTS FOR AIR JORDANS? WHO IS BUYING FACBOOK SPAM AIR JORDANS??! I like to imagine some clandestine boardroom of hackers sitting around-
“How are we gonna make the real cash?”
“Facebook Air Jordans?”
I used to wonder who is dumb enough to click these Facebook viruses in the first place. Then one day, my dad poked his head into my room:
Dad: Hey Evan, I was on that Facebook yesterday and apparently your buddy Jeff’s company is giving out free Macbooks? I signed the whole family up!
Facebook has given everyone a chance to voice his or her ideas and opinions to the world. Unfortunately, most of these ideas and opinions are shit. That’s why no one was listening beforehand. The Mini-feed has become intolerable, a digital spraying of diarrhea all over my 15” screen. Unfortunately, Zuck and Co. have not yet figured out a way to filter out “stupid” from my family and friends’ daily updates. Besides, if they did, I probably would be staring at a blank screen.
Facebook has become an exercise in who can paint the most perfect picture. Every day I’m subjected to muploads of gourmet entrees, check-ins to vacation destination airports, and recollections of celebrity encounters. For some reason people find this insatiable need to broadcast Kardashian-like exploits to convince others they’re killing it. Just once I’d like to see a balanced, honest, mini-feed.
“Parents are getting divorced! FML!”
How about an Instagram of you browsing for birth control in CVS?
A little honesty is way more interesting then your attempts at the Fabulous Life…
Next, Mini-feed malcontents need to be more aware of their audience. I have a Facebook friend; he’s a professional poker player. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS STATUSES IS ABOUT PLAYING POKER. “Just entered the 70K @Borgata” “I’m drawing dead to the river”. I. Don’t. Give. A. F*ck. If you’re gonna take up space on my statuses, at least be entertaining. Veterinary students- contrary to popular belief, #VeterinaryStudentProblems are only entertaining to other veterinary students. Shocking, I know.
Finally, don’t post about dead relatives on Facebook. It’s weird. It’s weird when people ‘Like it”. It’s weird when you write on a dead person’s wall. The whole thing is f*cking weird. Just don’t do it. I’m on Facebook to stalk ass, not to waddle in grief. I know a kid who muploaded his mom’s cemetery plot. I thought, “Wow…how sad. This is how badly he needs attention”. I’m not being harsh, I’m being honest. Thankfully, I haven’t had anyone very close to me pass away. But if I did, my first instinct wouldn’t be to hop on Facebook and blog my grief. It just seems very insincere to me. Insincere and creepy.
Rich Gordon: "RIP Grandma"
Evan Krumholz: "Sucks man…wings tn?"
Rich Gordon: "F*ck yea!!! No mild this time!"
See what I mean?
So join me loyal readers in quitting Facebook…for the remainder of today. What? You don’t think that’s hard? I’m on that bitch 20 times daily. It’s gotta be! Let’s send a message.
Got any other ideas about why Facebook has fallen off? Stuff that bothers you about the Book? Think I’m being a whiny bitch? Leave your thoughts in the Comments Section!!!
Krum is a NYC based comedian you can follow him on Twitter @KrumLifeDotCom because that shit is far more civilized than Facebook.