“For the last time,” I said. “Bears are hairy middle-aged men. Twinks are maladjusted jail ba—“
“No, shut the fuck up,” he said. “You’re a bromo.”
“You asshole,” I said. “You can’t call gay people 'homos' anymore. This is isn’t the 90s.”
“No, you’re a bromo,” he said. “A bro who is a homo. Get it?”
“Makes sense,” I said, and we continued about our typical Tuesday night getting shit faced.
The next morning while I was nursing my hangover, I Googled the term “bromo.” As it happens, my fraternity brother was completely right. It’s even a thing on Reddit. The generally accepted definition is the same as that for a bro, except that said bro happens to like dick. Go figure.
Let’s talk stereotypes and superficial qualifiers: I joined a fraternity in college. What’s more bro-y than that? Athleticism is a big part of my life. I swim at least 3,600 meters a week at my campus rec center, lift weights at least three times a week and rock climb about twice a month. Beer is the sole reason I don’t have a six pack and, incidentally, any typos in this article are probably the result of the four beers I’ve already had. (It’s a Wednesday night over Winter break, sue me).
Beyond that, my voice is a nice baritone. I've never acted flamboyant—people were shocked when I came out. Also, I’ve had a boyfriend for over a year, but believe me when I say that before we met, I pulled. Boy, did I pull. Those were the days.
But let me just say fuck that last paragraph. Fuck stereotypes. Who gives a fuck if I’m a bro and I’m gay? What if I was every single gay stereotype? Why does all of this matter?
Well, it matters to me because every now and then I meet assholes, assholes who are so insecure that they think being friends with a gay dude reflects on them negatively. Unless you are secretly gay, and you feel that disassociating yourself from other gay people is the best defense you have. In which case, I'm sorry you don’t feel comfortable enough to live an honest life. When you’re ready to join the party, let’s grab some beers and marathon Breaking Bad.
But if you’re a straight guy and you have problems with bromos, stereotypical queens or anything in between, first of all, fuck off; and second of all, you've failed to realize all of the benefits that you, as a straight bro, can reap from being buds with a bromo. And no, I’m not saying we all want to blow you.
We’re the best wingmen you’ve ever had
Fact: about 98% of all well-adjusted women have gay friends. And generally speaking, if you’re not okay with gay dudes, it's a huge red flag to any girl who is considering you for more than a few minutes of conversation at a bar. (Not that you’re opening line is “I hate gays.” If it is, well, good luck.)
Anyway, let’s flip the whole straight guy/straight-girl-with-a-gay-best-friend thing on its head. What if you were the one with the gay best friend? Said gay best friend would still have an arsenal of fag hags (a non-derogatory term for straight female friends of gay guys). In college, this likely means half the sorority girls on campus. Fag hags trust their gay besties more than anyone else. They look to them to steer them toward the guys that will treat them right, and that includes sex. I have fulfilled this role many, many times for my fellow bros throughout college. You’re all welcome.
We’re assets on the field
I do participate in club sports for my fraternity from time to time and I like to think that I more than carry my weight in football, volleyball, etc. I’ve also taught many of my friends, male and female, gay and straight, on how to properly weight train. And take my boyfriend, for instance: He was captain of his varsity football team in high school, and we’re talking a large, 1700+ student school.
As we all know, being good at sports comes down to ability and perseverance, not who you happen to be sleeping with off the field. Take rugby badass Gareth Thomas, boxer Orlando Cruz and possibly Aaron Rodgers (fingers crossed), although the existence of gay NFL players isn’t even a question at this point.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a date with some free weights and a protein shaker.
We know how to balance style with masculinity
If there’s one area where bromos most similarly resemble our more flamboyant peers, it’s in the style department. And as previously pointed out in this other piece I wrote, women want to fuck guys that look good. This is just common sense, and it’s why douchebags fuck so many 8s, 9s and 10s and slobs have to settle for everything else. I really can’t stress the truth of this enough: Getting women has nothing to do with how nice you are, unless we’re talking about dating, which we aren’t. So if you’ve finally grown up and realized that your style hasn’t quite grown up with you, just inquire with your nearest bromo. He’ll be happy to sort you out.
Most of us have been with girls, so we know what’s going on there
You might be wondering what makes me qualified to give straight guys advice on girls. Well, surprise surprise, a lot of gay guys, bromos in particular, have fucked or continue to fuck girls. Some do it pretty regularly because they fall near the middle on the Kinsey scale; others did it while knowing full well they’d rather be plowing another dude, but they just haven’t reached that point their lives yet. Either way, women are not some mystery to gay men. I’d argue that gay men and straight women have very similar thoughts, feelings and aspirations concerning a lot of things. We just get women in a way that you don’t, meaning that we can give you all the advice you need. And because we’ve banged them, too, we can tell you why you might want to wait until the fourth fuck to ask if you can come on her face.
To conclude, I don't go about my daily life thinking, “Wow I’m such an alpha male and isn’t it funny I like dudes too?” I simply felt, and BroBible agreed, that there is a sizable population of bros that identifies more with a site like this than, say, The Advocate or The Backlot, and it's something worth commenting on. To put it in perspective, when I was in middle school I thought that there was no possible way there could be gay professional athletes. This was for a lot of reasons: those fucking stereotypes again, but also because I had never before heard of a gay athlete. None of the adults in my life or the media felt the need to discuss it. I was trained to think that gay people, by nature, couldn't be good at sports.
That’s a pretty small worldview, isn’t it? A lot has changed in the past 10 years. So if you never considered that a gay dude could find things like this entertaining, maybe it’s time to reevaluate some things. And for all the little bromos in training out there, show all those ladies a good time before you get to college and disappoint the shit out of them. Then do your best to get them and your fellow bros laid. It’s the least you can do.
Read Tucker's archive here.