Q: I've hooked up with this guy 3 times:
1) Everything but sex because he couldn't get it up
2) Fooled around then had sex
3) The full shabang
I thought we were booty calls but now he won't return my texts…was I really that bad at sex?? I mean we fucked twice….
A: Here are five possible reasons why he pulled the old 'Stick and Stonewall' on you:
1) Yes, you were that bad at laying there or something directly related to your vagina is not well.
2) His intention from the beginning was to make you a number, a notch, a trophy, etc., but he couldn't get it up so easily and his I-think-you're-more-than-just-a-one-and-done charade had to go on longer than anticipated.
3) He met someone else.
4) He's clumsy, mishandled his phone while admiring a 7lb. shit he just took, and consequently lost contact with every person in his life.
5) He is a former WWE wrestler X-Pac and he's embarrassed to call you since he destroyed his asshole performing the most homoerotic move in wrestling history just days ago.
Now, which out of these five sounds like the most probable? If you answered number two, you're well on your way to being a little less naive.
Q: First of all, I like you're work so I'll honor you with a question, but I swear to Jesus jet skiing Christ if I starting getting spam because of that “enter your email” bullshit I'm going to lose my mind. Anyhoo, now that the pleasantries are out of the way let’s get down to business. Boring back story: my wife I met in college at large school met and one of our frat's parties, invited her sorority because they were hot and notoriously easy (blah, blah, blah blackout n fuck). Luckily I managed to corral a gorgeous nympho stoner who was basically down for whatever, including but not limited to anal. Now while my broness (and fear) knew shit would change after college and post marriage, but not much did. However, I could not prepare myself for her dangling anal sex like a goddamn crack rock in front of Tyrone Biggums. How, given the sensitive nature of our relationship (you know, being married and shit) do I get her to stop being such a fucking sandbagger? Oh, and don't tell me to just “buy her some shit” because fuck that.
A: Full disclosure: I had to run this by the entire team to decode because although it was entertaining, this question is incoherent at best. Being so, I've decided to list a few things in order of how they appeared in your email.
1) If the Bible is any indicator how Jesus rolled, my guess is he didn't need that jet ski. He WAS a jet ski.
2) Prepare to misplace your mind. Spampocalypse is coming.
3) Steve Winwood just came on on my iTunes. Irrelevant, awesome.
4) Right after the touching story of your courtship and your love for one another — built on the sturdy foundation of anal sex and smoking weed — the other editor's and I caught a snag. We can't figure out if your wife is a lazy stoner still; OR if she's a terrific golfer who lies about, and pads, her handicap; OR if she is constantly saying “Hey Bill, wash the car and I'll let you fuck my ass.” The next numbers will address the latter since most of us thought that was what you were asking.
5) While I have my foot halfway in the marriage grave, our resident married Bro Reggie Noble had this to say: “Welcome to marriage, Bro. It's a 'I have to do things I don't really like but I do them because I want to have sex with someone and this will help' life from here on out. Buckle up.” Basically, married life is full of battles and compromise. If you like railing her ass maybe fold the laundry or clean your jizz out of the shower drain once in a while — I know her hair is there too, but it's thoughtful.
6) If none of that works, or if we whiffed on what the fuck it was that you were asking, buy her some shit.
Q: Got a few rapid-fire questions here.
1) How many chains do you have?
2) How many pushups are you going to do this weekend?
3) If given the choice, would you rather go to Tomorrowland or Bonnaroo?
4) What is the nastiest/dirtiest/grossest thing you would do in order to have sex with the sisters from Krewella? (For a reference, watch the music video “Alive” by Krewella).
A: The list theme continues. YIPPY! Let's kick this pig.
1) If by “chains” you are referencing jewelry, I have zero. But if you are referring to something else, I also have zero because I have no idea what the fuck you could possibly be talking about. Shackles? Bicycle parts? A ghastly wallet/belt-loop accessory? WHAT?
2) Between 0 and 2000.
4) Since these are RAPID-FIRE, I haven't looked at that video but if those babes are hot I'd do anything short of hand-milking a hobo's prostate.
Q: I will be living in a four bedroom/8person on campus apartment next year that is a prime location for killer pre games/post games and planting the seed for the hookup at the end of the night. 6 of the guys are mad chill bros, but only 5 of us can pull girls, and two are just straight up awkward (the 3 are virgins). How do I compete with other bros with 8 solid dudes in the apartments so that I can host the best pregames/post games and be able to consistently have loose and hot women at our place, while simultaneously isolating the 2/3 loser roommates?
A: Having certainly been there before — when I lived in my fraternity house and off-campus apartment — I think you're approaching this in the wrong way. You have to know some nights you'll GET IT IN, while other nights you'll whiff mightily. You've got to get it out of your head that your roommates are your main competition and the ones who haven't even sniffed some lady junk are your concern. They're not.
I was never the Jay Gatsby of my friend group; I let the other guys plan shit and I just showed up and did my thing. That's not the best approach for everyone, and the guys who put forth the most effort — planning the parties, pre games, etc — definitely did well for themselves, but no method is fool proof. It did, however, make them the primary contact for a lot of girls and that has its advantages.
If you want to be “that guy” in your house you have to be the first to the game and start establishing yourself as the social chair of your off-campus pad. If you don’t think you’re up for that (because it sounds exhausting) and you’re not a goddamn eyesore, let someone else do it and just attend the pre-games. Trust me when I tell you that chicks won’t give a shit if you planned it or not.
Q: Last spring I got my now ex-gf (crazy bitch) pregnant. The relationship spiraled out of control with threats of keeping the child, lying about getting the abortion, threats of suicide… the works. Put me through the most traumatizing period of my life. Since then, I'll bring a slam back to my place after a night out and just…I just don't want to do it. I've banged out chicks since then but the anxiety is just too much and nearly end up having a panic attack. What in the fuck do I do?
A: I think it’s clear that you’re still fucked in the head from the ‘nancy-scare and the subsequent anguish that bitch put you through. It’s going to take time to wipe that out of your mind.
But look on the bright side; even though she made your life hell, you still got out of the situation pretty unharmed. Mentally you’re a little twisted, but your life is otherwise the same. It’s like getting a curable STD, it puts everything into perspective, teaches you a lesson to not be a reckless moron, and for a while it dissuades you from firing raw batter into chicks.
My advice is don’t panic, use condoms lathered in spermicide, and if you’re really paranoid about getting another chick pregnant, always pull out.
Q: First off, I'm not a bro. I'm girl but I religiously read BroBible almost everyday. My question is: do guys like girls with tattoos? I have a few, nothing trashy like a tramp stamp or a rose on my ankle but whenever a guy see's one of them in particular (it's on my back get your mind out of the gutter) I always get something along the lines of “woah, that's huge!” or “that's badass” and I feel like they're almost intimidated by it. SO, girls with tattoos? yes? no?
A: I don't necessarily find it intimidating, and I think some chicks look hot as all hell with tats (even a sleeve). However, there is a big BUT that accompanies that statement. Tats have a negative stigma attached to them and if yours are FRIGGGGGIN' HUGE it might require a certain guy to finally settle down with you. That's Judging a Book by Its Cover 101, but a fact of life nonetheless.
A few years back, I dated a girl with one full sleeve and like 7 other tats on her body (I was going through a phase, fuck you for judgment) and as hot as she was I couldn't get past the trashiness factor. It was fun while it lasted and other dudes were always commenting how they loved her ink, yanking up their sleeves to show of some ill-conceived shamrock shoulder tat, but it was not sustainable. I didn't care about other guys hitting on her as much as I cared about how she'd look in the future and how permanent that sleeve and her other in-plain-sight tats were. But luckily for you dudes do find ink hot and every guy isn't me.
Q: Hey man, I know it isn't your typical bro topic of discussion, but do you have any recommendations for books that would be fit for a typical bro? Anything funny, inspirational, or whatever else you yourself would admit to enjoy reading?
A: I recently read Gone Girl, which was a fucked up story but also really good and before that I read I Suck at Girls by Justin Halpern (Shit My Dad Says), which was decent if you're brain dead but you also like to read. I'm actually looking for a new book if anyone has any suggestions. No biographies, please.
[Why haven't you called me image via ShutterStock]