Bartenders do more good for the world than the UN. Every time you tip a bartender it should be considered a tax-exempt donation. Bartenders are warlocks who have control over how amazing your night is going to be, not only do they share ancient wisdom but also they give you potions that make you feel better. The only thing better than a bartender is a female bartender. If you treat a girl bartender right, they treat you right. No matter what type of bar you’re at, the female bartender is the person you need on your side. This is why we love our female bartenders:
1. Flirting 101: Few things make you laugh as much as when a girltender pours your drink and starts a sentence “You know what that guy just said to me”? Not only does it help you learn what doesn’t work with a hot chick, after 10 scumbags hit on her she’ll pour you a freebie cause she’s having a tough night. Learning how to flirt from the top of the bar food chain will up your flirting game enough that you can finally delete Tinder.
2. Lay of the land: A good bartender learns your name, and the name of everyone else in the bar. People tend to forget a bartender is there until they need a drink, so your friend gets to overhear everything. A symbiotic relationship with your bartender means when she gets a moment to herself she’s going to share what she’s overheard with you. Not only do you find out whose single, you can find out whose best friend ditched them or why that creepy guy at the bar is staring at you.
3. You look good: Eventually conversations die out a bit; in these moments of silence people look to others in the bar to provide fodder for judgmental hilarity. Eventually someone is going to take notice of the hot bartender and you talking. Instead of becoming fodder, you get noticed for the special attention you’re getting. Someone will eventually think you’re such a champion you punch frozen meat for fun.
4. V.I.T’s: That’s short for very important texts. These range from “The bar is dead, come see me for a while?” to “Three 10’s just walked in.” These will have you leaving the house quicker than a text that says “Come watch a movie tonight.” If the bar is deader than your social life and you stop in to say hi, you’re going to get taken care of. Added you get that special time with your friend to try out new beers and bitch about life. The other text means exactly what is says “Come be a predator, I know you can do this”.
5. Networking: A great female bartender gets an incredible amount of regulars. She’s the girl who knows the guy who can help you with whatever you need. Alcohol is a great equalizer. Everyone from a petty thief to the town mayor needs a drink. She becomes the one who knows them. She can introduce you to the guy who hires you for your next job, or introduce you to the girl who wants to live in the wilds of Colorado, just like you.
6. Shaming others: Girltenders are badass, not only do they have a sense of humor, but they’re great at playing pranks too. Serving your friend whose drunk a cement mixer instead of a whiskey is hilarious, her fake hitting on him then having a bouncer remove him is even better.
Bartenders become amazing people in your life. A guytender will listen to you complain, let you get too drunk and provide you with mediocre advice. A girltender will make you feel appreciated, help you become the champion at the bar and get you wasted. Everyone needs a bartender in their life, finding one that helps you get places is key.
Bread Foster can be seen live, tomorrow July 8th at Laughing Devil Comedy Club in NYC at 8pm.
[Image via ShutterStock]