Life
by J. Camm on April 26, 2012

Q. Why the frig do guys always ask me to send pictures of my breasts to them when they text me?

A. My guess is they want to see your saggers in all their unfettered glory. Then, they want to show all their friends what they look like…but only if they’re not deformed and your areolas aren’t the size of saucers.

The simple truth is, it’s kind of hot and it’s also empowering when girls send us photos. I can’t speak for other dudes but I have to imagine NO ONE is jacking off to them (way too much quality smut on the web these days to waste a fap on still-frames). They’re basically keepsakes or ammo for blackmail, I suppose.

Perhaps I’m alone in this thought, but I’ve never seen the big deal behind chicks sending photos. Really, I could care less if I ever got one. That said, if a girl wants to send a video performing a magic trick whereby her entire fist disappears into her vagina, I’m not going to turn it down. Hell, I might even jack it to that. But only if YouJ*zz is down.

Q. If I take a girl out on a date and I have to piss right at the end, do I hold out until the check is paid so I can make sure I pay the check (because I believe a guy should on a first date) or do I run the risk of having the check come while being in the bathroom and creating an awkward situation where she's not sure what to do.  Or even further, if she pays the check before i get back? I did this last night and when I came back from the bathroom she had already paid the check.

A. Did you feel obligated to put-out since she picked up the bill? That's protocol, right?

This can be a real pickle. Sit and do the piss squirm (with a full-on restless legs) just so you can pay the bill? Or, relieve yourself and risk the chance the other person picks it up in your absence thinking you're making that piss stop because you're a piece of cheap trash?

Personally, I always err on the side of caution and wait it out (if I want to pay the bill). It ensures that I'll pay the bill and, though I've never made any strides in this regard, I harbor a sick delusion that my bladder will expand if I torture it enough. The only thing I’m probably expanding are my odds of getting bladder cancer. Plus, once you drop the plastic you can jet to the can while the waiter goes off to process your card. This is a positive because by the time you get back, your materialistic date will have already peeped the bill to see the damage. If it's north of $200, the law of showing some class and appreciation states that she has to, at the very least, blow you and gargle your j*zz. Swallowing is “optional” under the current law. Such horsesh*t, I know. 

This scenario is also something to consider if you're at a business lunch or dinner and it's your turn (or place) to pick up the check. Never leave because a guy is much more inclined to grab it and then hold a grudge that you stuck him with the tab.

Q. There is a girl that I've heard has been interested in me on and off for a while but it's not really my style to chase much, although she is hot. However, a mutual friend of ours got her number and claims she gave it to him for me to call her. I think it's extremely lame for me to call/ text her without getting the number myself. Thoughts?

A. Just calling her is sort of lame, I agree. But the legwork is done; this is like an adult playing tee-ball, for Christ’s sake. So ditch your “style” and don’t worry about whiffing big time when you see her next. Just ask her for the number, you know she’ll give it to you. And when she says, “I already gave it to Mike to give it to you,” just play dumb. Really run Mike’s name through the mud if you have to.

Q. So I dont want this question to be my way of bragging about how much ass I get or anything like that, but is it weird that I enjoy not knowing the name of the girls I'm sleeping with? In fact, I often go out of my way not to know their names.

A. Everyone gets a rise out of not remembering a girl's name the next morning but going out of your way to keep your triumphs nameless is some peculiarly kinky sh*t, my friend. This question is certainly above my pay grade, but to be honest, I don't think you're that weird. Unless, of course, you have an anal dilation fetish that you conveniently forgot to tell us about.

Q. What's the worst acceptable place to take a sh*t? What if you really have to go and can't hold it in? I took one in a port-a-potty at Coachella and all my friends said I should have gone back to the hotel.

A. Surely cutting turds in a port-a-potty sucks but if it’s got to be done, it’s got to be done. If the hotel was a less than 5 minute walk away, maybe you’re in the wrong, but that's a decision of preference, not acceptability. Meaning, if you have no reservations about dumping in a port-a-potty, then why not? Your actions aren’t affecting anyone. Those things already reek like week-old cadavers anyway and people expect nothing less than the absolute smell of decaying feces when they walk into one. Adding more to the pile is disgusting, yes, but still acceptable.

Quite honestly, anywhere in public works for me; blow up a goddamn bus or train bathroom if you need to. F*ck strangers, you don’t owe them anything.

So what’s not acceptable? Taking a gruesome sh*t in a one-bedroom, 500 sq. ft. apartment (in any city) during a party is about the worst – save for crapping your pants — that I can think of. Might as well commit suicide when you’re done because everyone outside that door is going to want to kill you with the rage of a thousand Hitlers once their nostrils catch wind of what your sh*t factory just produced. Also, no chick at that party is going to f*ck you tonight because if there's one thing women aren't turned on by, it's our butthole's masterpieces.

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