It’s an incredible phenomenon, the drunken girl crying, convinced that her life is literally over while she sits on the pavement drooling on her brand new Bebe top. What could possibly be so bad that she is literally throwing a bigger tantrum than a 3 year whose parents won’t let them get in the ball pit at McDonalds? The answer is different on a case-to-case basis; could be her boyfriend that’s tired of her bullsh*t, could be that her parents are tired of her bullsh*t, could be a BFF that is tired of her Bullsh*t. No matter what the problem is, it’s probably bullsh*t and her reaction to whatever bullsh*t it may be is really just a cry (literally a cry) for attention.
From personal experience alcohol can make you do some weird things. For example on my 21st birthday after my 19th shot I thought it would be a really great idea to try and steal all the fake plants at a local bar. I picked up the first fake tree and started running over to the next one, when the bouncer noticed, he asked me nicely to put it down. Instead of complying I hit him in the face with the tree, dropped it and accidentally barreled over some girl on my way out of the bar leaving her with a bloody nose. 3 bouncers beat my ass and I could feel that poor girl’s friends looking at me in disgust (which hurt more than the ass kicking). Point is, it was a terrible decision on my part and I had to live with the horrible thing I had done to that poor girl’s nose. I had no one to blame but the alcohol because clearly, it was not my fault (nothing is my fault when I’m drunk). You’re welcome for the cute anecdote but back to the point. What I did that night was the male version of what girls do when they cry at bars. I was seeking attention. I wanted everyone to notice me; the guy running around with the fake tree like a goddamn douche. Girls don’t need to be funny, or novel, or act alpha as tactics to get attention, they just need someone to care; and what better way to make people care than to literally break down in front of everyone at a bar. Of course it’s embarrassing, but who cares? Tomorrow they’ll forget about it and so will everyone else that didn’t pay attention to them.
Alcohol + testosterone = stupid physical attention seeking behavior. Alcohol + estrogen = stupid emotional attention seeking behavior. Now, I’m not a scientist or an anthropologist, but this craving for attention is a human NEED. We are wired for attention and when we are deprived of the attention that we seek, we act out in order to receive it. With a little liquid courage and a sweet blend of party drugs, sh*t could get real ugly, real fast for the typical attention craving lassie. The best thing to do when you see a drunk girl crying all over the sidewalk is to watch from a distance as she singlehandedly ruins girls night out (Surprisingly entertaining). But, if you’re feeling dicey and on the 1% chance that she’s hot and alone, go give her some attention. She will be emotionally distressed and might need to take it out on your d*ck later. Stranger things have happened, trust me.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks ‘White girl wasted’ is just another way of saying ‘Drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette’ You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.