Telling it like it is, one debabtably useful celebration at a time.
The collective brain trust of Reggie Noble and Robb Stark are here to dissect the bullsh*t and/or unequivocal dopeness that is many a holiday. If you disagree with our findings, play nicely in the comments section:
New Year's Eve/Day
Robb Stark: If you enjoy celebrating an arbitrary moment for the price of your wallet imploding, this is the holiday for you!
That said, the “New Year’s Kiss” is one of the more tremendous holiday rituals out there. Not only is it an innocuous, built-in way to advance the night’s mission--it is also creates situations where desperation yields shocking amounts of short-term success. This is because when faced with the prospect of no New Years Kiss or a fat guy with a terrible mustache, a female may choose the latter solely out of fear of being a social outcast. A potent and dangerous fear, but one that unequivocally preys on the “desperate times, desperate measures” credo.
Reggie Noble: Look, this is an incredible holiday. New beginnings, casual hookups, immense quantities of booze. All good things. The devil, however, is in the details. There is nothing more important to a girl than to have solid New Year’s plans. It’s not good enough to have good plans. It’s absolutely essential to them to have the VERY BEST POSSIBLE plans in the world. Oh, and paying an up-front fee to gain entrance to a shitty bar? Not worth it on any night of the year. At least there’s copious amounts of football.
Robb Stark: Admittedly, I’ve carefully danced around this portion in the calendar and have only actually celebrated one of these whilst in a relationship. This is one of the better accomplishments in my 22 year existence.
Truth: It’s nice to celebrate true love. But if true love needs to inject a catalyst to be celebrated, said love would fail a drug test. Hall of Fame voters hate that shit, and your life is a lie.
Reggie Noble: This isn’t a holiday. This is a day where you have to work extra hard to get laid. What kind of shit is that? If it weren’t for a crippling addiction to candy hearts, I wouldn’t recognize this one at all. Sugar’s a cruel mistress, my friends.
Robb Stark: American Presidents are dope, as is the corresponding weekend ski trip that has nothing to do with Presidents. Or half the time, skiing.
Reggie Noble: Holy balls, there are a lot of bullshit holidays out there. I’ll tell you one thing: We don’t get this day off work or school if old Abraham Lincoln catches the second act of “Our American Cousin.” Thanks for that, John Wilkes Booth. Seriously, what do you do to commemorate this day besides capitalizing on an out-of-this-world deal at a carpet wholesaler?
St. Patrick’s Day
Robb Stark: The fact that there is a holiday that can flawlessly combine getting sh*tfacedwith an excuse to play that awesome song from the Wake scenes in “The Wire” is truly majestic.
My only qualm is that for 24 hours, all humans with Irish ancestry decide to aspire to the (barely justified) arrogant shittiness usually only exhibited by Philadelphia Eagles fans.
Reggie Noble: Amazing holiday if you can escape without any black eyes or permanent liver damage. And believe me, it’s a big if. St. Patrick’s Day falls on the cusp of spring and usually on an NCAA Tournament gameday. It’s like the perfect storm for Reggie Noble happiness. Who all see the leprechaun say HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYY!!
Robb Stark: As you may have deduced from the fact that I write words and talk about things that I think applies to the entire world but really only applies to a small, small portion of society, I am Jewish. My mom converted though, meaning that entire side of the family crushes the Catholicism.
(Most Easter Sundays, I go to an unnecessarily nice lunch and watch the Knicks predictably lose a first round playoff game. Also, this is always on a Sunday. What a waste.)
Reggie Noble: Um, you get to sin as much as you want and all of that ugliness is absolved? Then you’re rewarded with jelly beans and Cadbury eggs for killing Jesus? Seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Robb Stark: The unofficial start of Summer. What all those March/April female elliptical-goers have been working towards. The time to break in the grill. The time where the year’s first severe thunderstorm effectively ruins any and all plans. The time where you have to go to that stupid picnic. The time where you play your first round of golf for the year, then remember it’s your first round of golf for the year.
The expectations here are often too high to meet. Not cool.
Reggie Noble: A holiday that’s always on a Monday? That’s downright brilliant. BONUS WEEKEND. If you don’t stuff your face, insist it’s beach weather and then drunkenly claim you want to join the military, you’re doing this one wrong.