Well for starters, we learned a lot about sexting etiquette. And sure, we learned that bringing a large tube of toothpaste onto an airplane causes terrorism. But I think more than anything, we learned, not about the irrelevance of material things, but rather about the deep and astounding relevance of all things. We’ve learned that all the things—elevators, subway cards, tiny dogs, mink coats, box-cutters, and little lizards— all of the seemingly insignificant things plays a crucial and intrinsic role in the cosmic mechanics of our world.
It is with this in mind that we direct our attention over to the good folks at Pinnacle® Vodka. Now if you’ve been to a college party in the last half-decade, you probably noticed all the Kappa girls sucking down drink from a sapphire blue bottle of Pinnacle® Vodka. You probably also noticed that while vodka of old was usually just vodka with maybe one or two traditionally flavored offshoots (lemon, raspberry), Pinnacle® Vodka comes in flavors like ‘cotton candy,’ ‘le double espresso,’ and ‘strawberry shortcake.’ You see, the folks at Pinnacle® Vodka realized that God is in the details, and more over, the world’s turning is due in so small measure to the little things in life; little things like puppies, and puppets, and pirates, and spiral notebooks, and thirty-three different flavors of vodka. Yes, you read the correctly: thirty-three different flavors of freakin’ vodka.
Why’d they do it? Why’d they go out of their way to create thirty-three flavor of something that probably didn’t need more than six? Perhaps they sensed some numerical importance in bringing thirty-three something’s into the world? More likely, someone in the higher-ups at Pinnacle® understood that the details of this world, the cosmic turning of the planet that spins and spins and spins forever on its axis, is alive and present, not just in big things like childbirth and eyeballs, but also in small things like, downing the larger portion of a bottle of Pinnacle® Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka and throwing up later that night all over a pretty girl in her bed (true story.) Would such a moment of youthful innocence and abandon have taken place if Pinnacle® Cotton Candy Flavored Vodka had not been birthed into our world? No, I don’t think it would have.
And so, we take a moment to honor the spirit of Pinnacle® Vodka; a spirit that sheds light and meaning onto all of our world’s little details; the sorority girl holding her sister’s hair up as she pukes out “le double espresso” into a frat house toilet bowl, a half-empty bottle of limited edition ‘peppermint bark’ being shattered over a fat guy in a penguin costume’s head at a Halloween party in the cool of autumn, me spending a hundred dollars on dry-cleaning removing cotton-candy-flavored-puke from a pretty girl’s sheets, pillow case, and down comforter. It is with these moments in mind, I present (finally): “Which Flavor of Pinnacle® Vodka Are You?”
‘Peachberry Cobbler’ – March 21st to April 19th
Like the original peach-cobblers of old, you are white and of British origin.
‘Rainbow Sherbet’ – April 20th to May 20th
You are fiercely loyal and are always there for your friends. Also you are a fun and sassy theater major.
‘Cookie Dough’ – May 21st to June 20th
You are based on the novel ‘Push’ by Saffire.
‘Whipped’ - June 21st – July 22nd
You can’t make it to Evan’s bachelor party because you have to stay home and watch “New Year’s Eve” with your Mellissa.
Le Double Espresso – July 23rd – August 22nd
Chicks dig French shit, and as such chicks dig you.
‘Bacon’ – August 23rd – September 22nd
It is truly a miracle that you even exist.
‘Tropical Punch’ – October 23rd – November 21st
There is something special inside you that gives you a certain fruity-ness.
‘Citrus’ – December 22nd – January 19th
You are nothing special. Mostly people think you are just adequate.
‘Strawberry Shortcake’ – January 20th – February 18th
The force is strong within you.
‘Salted Caramel’ – February 19th – March 20th
You die alone.
Ok, that’s it. And yes, I know there are a bunch of flavors I didn’t get to. But you know what? I’m not a hero. Firefighters. They’re the real heroes.
Isaac Himmelman is a freelance writer based in Los Angeles, CA. You can follow his shit on twitter @isaachimmelman