It’s often said that one can’t judge a book by its cover. This axiom carries very little weight in the animal kingdom, where any sane person can look at a feathered or furry beast and immediately judge its worth. We here at Great Questions, in the interest of bettering mankind’s relationship with all of God’s creatures, have decided to enter a formal record of which animals suck and which ones rule.
Yes, we’re 11. Deal with it.
Reggie Noble: An animal can do two useful things. It can kill everything in its path or it can make me laugh. That’s it. I’m a simple man.
Tiger: Enormous teeth? Check. Bright orange fur and black stripes? Check. What’s not to like? The world’s third-largest carnivore is also the world’s best sporting mascot—an honor that means a hell of a lot to a Bro. Tigers also mark their territory by urinating and spraying anal secretions all over the place. They don’t give one single f*ck.
Piranha: It’s almost like there wasn’t any time for design after the teeth were put in place. This is a fish that looks like it was drawn by a six-year-old with severe ADD. They are also extremely important in world politics. When Theodore Roosevelt visited Brazil in 1914, they impressed him by having a school of piranhas annihilate a cow. Awesome in any language.
Mandrill: It’s basically a baboon with a colorful face and anyone who didn’t enjoy Rafiki in “The Lion King” is an absolute monster. For bonus points, their asses and reproductive areas are also highlighted by big, bold colors. Mandrills get what’s important in life.
Grizzly Bear: It’s huge and it can kill things. Are you seeing a theme here? Bears are the utility infielders of the animal kingdom, five-tool players that can run, swim and climb with great aplomb. Amazing things that have been named after them include a rock band and chewing tobacco. Tremendous indicator of success right there.
Cobra: Nature’s biggest hood rat, this deadly serpent has almost zero redeeming value and is universally feared. Have to respect that. It’s no-frills design and poison mouth lets you know it’s all business.
Hammerhead Shark: It’s pretty pathetic to be a lame-looking shark. It seems like an oxymoron, but this stupid thing manages to pull it off. Has to be some kind of mistake. Fix your eyes, dude!
Komondor: It’s either a really good-looking mop or a terrible-looking dog. If you own one of these, don’t expect me to laugh at its expense. I’m only human.
Worms: Atrocious animals! So offensive I don’t think twice about plunging a hook into one of its hearts and serving it up to a fish.
Star-nosed Mole: Jesus Christ! What an abomination. Looks like Sloth from the “Goonies” and a vagina mated. Both things awesome on their own, but disgusting when combined.
Blob Fish: Look at this moron. This is what Ziggy would like if he drowned in the East River and they couldn’t find him for weeks. Going to puke now.
Andy Moore: Naming the animals that sucked was kind of cathartic for me. I never knew I possessed such strong feelings about wildlife.
Red-tailed Hawk: When I was a kid, my parents took me to an admittedly douchey resort where I "learned" falconry. This is when a falcon (or hawk) takes off from your arm and flies off to kill things for you. It was the coolest things I've ever done—I mean, think about it, a bird of prey flies off to murder small animals for the person it thinks is its master. When BroBible's IPO is $20 billion, I'm totally buying a hawk and we're taking down forests.
Turtles: No one's ever upset when they see a turtle. Turtles stay chill.
Killer whale: They're brilliant animals that kill in packs, look sweet, and can actually speak with each other. Killer whales are much superior over the vastly overrated shark—the Discovery Channel has just done them no favors.
They're also apparently rising up right now and killing all their handlers at Sea World, so deduct a couple of points for that.
Dogs: Man's best friend for a reason. Provided you're a decent human being and can care for an animal, making the decision to own a dog is always one of the best you can make in life. Have you ever heard someone who only has one dog say, "I hate this dog and I don't know why I got him"? No. No, you haven't.
Tiger: What Reggie said.
Jellyfish: Horrifying, disgusting creatures that will ruin any trip to the beach. They also literally do not possess brains.
Turkeys: I grew up in the South, and, yes, I have been to a farm or two. When you go to a farm, a funny thing happens: You begin to kind of feel for the animals you so lovingly consume every day. Pigs, it turns out, are very smart, very cute creatures. It's enough to give you pause before you eat bacon. Cows, likewise, are not as mindless as you think. They're not quite at the level of sentinence that a Chick-fil-A commercial would lead you believe, but they're definitely worthy of being treated with respect.
None of this is true with the domesticated turkey. Turkeys are dipsh*ts. They will peck you if you try to feed them. And they are known to drown during rainstorms because they look up at the sky with their mouths open, essentially waterboarding themselves. Whole crops of turkeys have f*cking drowned because they're curious about rain.
During Thanksgiving, the thing that gives me the most pleasure is knowing that my actions have killed a turkey.
Giraffe: Just a stupid looking animal. Your neck is comically long, giraffe. You are the Shawn Bradley of the animal species.
Also, you tried to look cool bowing to Simba in "The Lion King" but everyone was laughing at how dumb you looked.
Rats: Reggie, here's why your justification for putting nature's killing machines so high on your list is ultimately flawed. Rats are way more dangerous than your common piranha or shark. Oh, you got bit by a shark while surfing? Rats carrying fleas killed millions of Europeans in the Middle Ages! They're still responsible for lovely diseases like hoof-and-mouth and Lassa fever. And the Bubonic Plague isn't exactly eradicated.
They're also horribly ugly creatures and I saw one last weekend on the subway and it ruined my day.
My cat, Charger: He's been on his death bed for, like, five years. His medical costs are approaching the United States' foreign aid budget. Just last week, all his fur was shaved because he's come down with some sort of new sickness. He is, without a doubt, the unluckiest, sh*ttiest cat in the history of domesticated animals. Charger sucks.