Q: Hi, I'm a senior in High School about to go to college next year. I was wondering (not to indicate my lack of knowledge): Where do you have sex in college? It seems like always having sex in your dorm room would get on your roommate's nerves.

 

A: You're catching on early young bro; because not only does boning in the presence of the person you sleep next to get on ones nerves, it gets fucking awkward. Your plastic-protected twin mattress (even if it is double xl) will get worn out almost as quickly as the poor guy who has to hear you fucking on it, so yes; creativity is essential. And though it will be a beneficial skill, you can breathe easily knowing that it also won't be a difficult one to achieve. Not that I ever liked to think about taking an exam on the same desk where some girls ass cheeks were spread mere hours before…but on my glorious and prestigious campus, many classrooms were open 24 hours a day. Which was nice.

Frat houses will also provide you with a plethora of slimy corners, moldy bathrooms and stained mattresses upon which you can sloppily get your grind on. Thats right; get fucking, excited. Aside from the obvious basements, backyards, bathrooms backseats and bars, I've known offenders of the football field, cafeteria, dorm roof and even the chapel. Pretty sweet stuff huh? As they say, “College; no parents.” In the midst of your escapades do make sure you're stocked up on the free condoms that student health willingly doles out. Nobody wants a pregnant college freshman.

Q: Beard or no beard, that is the question…

A: Beard…or beard- that is the answer. If you've got the genes, fucking grow that shit. Its manly, rugged, sexy, and a bunch of other panty-dropping traits I can't think of right now.

You obviously missed the study that came out recently describing how women were 30% more likely to be attracted to a man with substantial and well-groomed facial hair. How's that for statistics? Yeah, you like that shit don't you. That is, you probably like it if you can grow a beard. If at maximum man-pacity you're flaunting splotches, or a mexi-stache, or a neard…just call the whole thing off. Better to accept defeat on this one than to sport a half-assed face garden.

 

Q: Oh wise babe. I got out of the most serious relationship I've ever had recently, and needless to say, I was, for lack of a better term, heartbroken. She ended things because I just didn't show her the attention she deserved, i.e., not calling enough, not being reliable, and just generally thinking it was funny and cool to be an asshole. I really do love her, I just never thought she would leave me, so I didn't change. I finally got over it and used it as motivation to change and get my shit together. I started talking to another girl, and right when things are going well, she contacts me and tells me she never stopped loving me, I just pushed her away, which is true. Now all the feelings for her are coming back and I don't know what to do. Should I get back together with this girl that I love more than anything? Or should I stay with the girl I'm with now, who I don't have the same feelings for at this point, but foresee things going pretty well in the future. I'm in a glass case of emotion, what do I do?

 

A: Alright self-proclaimed asshole; here's what I'm picking up via what you're putting down. While I find that many of you do in fact need my guidance, in some cases such as your own, I'm feeling like you've already answered your own question.

You realized the errors of your ways as they relate to the woman that you love; corrected them, and by a twist of fate, have been reconnected with said love. Seems to me like the answer is right in front of you, and ill be damned if you aren't lucky for it. Sure; there's always potential in a new relationship like the one you've been working on with surrogate girl. Shits fresh, the sex is exciting, she hasn't shown her totally batshit side yet…things are probably pretty cool. But that's not grounds for ignoring and letting go of the bonds of deeply felt true love. That's the stuff that takes time, and patience. And while it may not always be kind as the fable says, it's usually worth riding out. Return to your old lady with a new sense of respect, un-assholeness and adoration– after apologizing profusely to stand-in girl–and see how things rekindle.

Q: Babe, I'm getting conflicting opinions from women and guys in my life on this one…If I get a number, regardless of where – What should I use as the golden rule as to how many calls/Voicemail?/texts -with no response – before recognizing – She isn't interested and WON'T be responding! Thanks!

A: Yikes. I hate to say it, but theres really very little gray area when it comes to this one.

If you get a girls number, regardless of whether or not she wanted you to have it, she's anticipating you contacting her. So when you do, she'll either respond, meaning she's interested–or she won't, meaning she isn't. Simple as fucking that. Maybe your first text was open-ended, and you really like this girl. So, fine. Text or call her ONE more time. But if you strike out twice with zero responses…she is not interested. The end. So don't try to convince yourself otherwise because frankly, it's awkward for the both of us. I don't want the second-hand embarrassment of your name popping up unanswered AGAIN in my phone while I'm trying to enjoy a perfectly lovely dinner with a guy who's texts I do respond to. Stop fretting and wasting both of our time, and move on.

 

Q: Chick side of advice needed here. There's a guy who works out at my gym who is super hot. There are a lot of guys who work out at the same time as me and are attractive but this guy just steals the show and really is the only one I'd be interested in. Problem is, and its a big problem: I can't tell if he's gay or straight. It's driving me crazy. How do you settle this?

 

A: Elusive and unreadable gym babe…classic tale– and a frustrating one at that. I experienced a very similar situation at my old gym, where one exceptionally lust-worthy babe stood out amongst the meathead masses as I fought them for machinery day after day.

“You using those 15's?”

“Uh, yeah guy, actually I am. Shouldn't you be using those…30's…or something?”

Give me a break.

Anyways, I tried to pick up signals from this dude without creeping too hard- but since he was one of the few dudes not trying to make eye babies with me in the weightroom it make things a bit more difficult.

I started putting together the pieces of what I surmise to be “what he's about” when I noticed a pattern in who he was talking to. Namely, well-groomed, attracted, subtly but definitely homosexual dudes. Now, for the most part they were approaching him, so I didn't rule out his heterosexuality entirely. Sadly, after I put my Lil' Wayne Pandora on mute, and listened instead to the intonations of his voice and topic of his conversations, my fears were confirmed– this guy would never be into me, unless I suddenly became a gay man.

Alas, finding out slowly through your own observation is, I think, better than jumping the gun and blatantly hitting on a guy who finds your body parts altogether uninteresting.

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[College babe image via ShutterStock]