I’m about to share a secret of mine. Occasionally, in bed, I can’t get an erection. I know, I know. Me—virile internet sex maven—is sometimes unable to perform. That’s okay, because I’m about to drop a fun fact on you. It has happened to everyone. Well, not girls, because they don’t have penises, but every single male has had some inopportune impotence. If it’s never happened to you, then you are a horny 17-year-old boy and what are you doing reading this filth? Take an SAT Prep course. You’ll thank me later.
In fact, it happened to me Saturday night. Embarrassing? A little. The end of the world? No. And why’s that? Because it having happened before, I consulted my list of droopy do’s and don’ts.
Do: Acknowledge the situation: Women’s ginees are full of feels, so they can instantly tell when they no longer have a spray cheese can inside but a grocery store jalapeno. And they know why you are stalling when it comes to putting on a condom. There is no way to pretend it’s not happening. So bring them into the loop. Usually an impish grin combined with a slight shoulder shrug is enough, but you can also say “It’s …” then trail off while making a few hand gestures in the general vicinity of your groin.
Do: Assess why it happened: Were you at an open bar and put back 14 vodka sodas before taking her to your hotel room? Even Ulysses Grant got the whiskey dick. Were you nervous because she’s intimidatingly hot and it’s your first time? You can fuck like a horse, tiger. Are you not sexually attracted to the girl? Thank your dick for once being the responsible party and move on. Not sure? That’s fine. Inexplicable shit happens in life. People put spoilers on their Hondas.
Don’t: Try again right away: I don’t advise that you hardheadedly attempt to prove your masculinity by going for it again. Why? Well, if you are unfamiliar with the biologies, blood has just left your dick and before you can get hard again it has to first go to your heart where it can be purified. That takes up to 62 minutes. And if you try to go too soon, you may not be able to get it up again, and then you’ll be sucked into a downward shame spiral that will leave you inconsolably distraught at the mere prospect of being alone with a woman. Been there. Don’t do that.
Don’t: Tune her out: Guess what, bro? It’s 2013. We can talk about our emoshies with our womens. If you aren’t, I suggest you try. Tell her what happened. Tell her why. She’ll be able to engage you better the next time you encounter your inability. Need a blowjob to kick stuff off? Now’s your chance to ask for one without sounding like an insensitive pervert.
"So sick of this dead cock."
Don’t: Be afraid to stroke it: For the longest time I thought it was inconsiderate to jack off in the presence of a lady. It felt like, “Look, hun, your sexual attractiveness isn’t doing it for me, so I am going to supplement my arousal via my own hand.” But really, how many times have you been unable to get it up when you masturbate? Like negative 100 percent. So trust the tried and true and bring some stroking into the sack.
Do: Ignore your doubts: When I lose an erection I become paranoid that it will happen again and then again and then I’ll have to kidnap this girl and keep her gagged in my basement so the world doesn’t ever hear the depths of my impotence. So when it’s about to go down, I try to think about other things. Let my erection come naturally. I’ll hum Separate Ways by Journey. Or I’ll close my eyes and picture things that turn me on. Like the naked woman in front of me.
Don’t: Forget the “Mission”: There’s no scientific rationale behind this, but at the onset of sex, I seem to lose an erection more if the girl is on top. So for me, top is not the way to go. Missionary though, does the trick. It’s much easier to perform at less than full rigidity and it’s so much easier to pull out and work a quick tug if you feel the situation start to slip. Perf.