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The Death of YOLO

Watching the Girl You’re Into Date Other Guys and Being Pressured About Marriage by Your Girlfriend

By / 06.06.12

Q. About 6 months ago my best female friend moved in. We met in college 5 years ago hooked up temporally then, but stayed up as friends. In the mean time she has been parading around with every looser BF available, been physically and mentally abused and almost married one douche until they had the convo about how she wasn't ready for forever, so they split. Thus, she is currently living in my house rent free, has access to my cars as well as my Amex. 2 seconds before she broke it off with engagement douche she starts banging it out with another douche and is now pseudo dating new douche. Keep in mind new douche is 10 years older and is Facebook official with another chick in another state.

However, she has always been there for me and I take care of her like she's my sister, probably a lot more than i should. I liked this chick a lot as a friend; she is a little wild but is so cool and so fun, we get along all the time we never fight, we have each others backs all day everyday. I didn’t know there were feelings lying below the surface until last week when we went on a huge expensive week long trip together, that I had earned through work. We banged, cuddled, went around the world, pretended to be a couple, we even made “couple friends” with couples, etc.

I could tell once she found out about the trip all of the sudden her girlfriends (potential slam pieces) “couldn’t get off work, but she could.”

Now, I don’t know what to do b/c I have discovered that I have some serious feelings for my her. She makes me happy, she’s cute, fun, entertaining as hell, and all of my colleagues love her. I'm hesitant to move forward with her because A. I can name at least 10-15 of my friends or acquaintances she's had “encounters” with and I probably couldn’t go to a fraternity event without being ripped on. B. She’s pseudo dating new douche. C. I don’t want to loose my best friend and have everything get awkward D. I feel strangely compelled to take care and love her.

What do I do? Swallow the feelings, dump her, or try to make her an honest-ish woman?

A.The overarching message I gather from this story is that you want to make a lying, cheating thief of a woman into an “honest-ish” woman.

That’s never f*cking happening, and let me tell you why.

You’re providing excessive kindness, emotional support and financial freedom to a chick while she runs around banging other dudes at her leisure then comes back to cuddle with you.

She may love your bank account, but make no mistake: she does not love you.

My moral compass may not always point due north, but the way this b*tch is treating you is wholly f*cked up. And you’re letting it happen.

There’s only one solution to this problem: Cut. Her. Off.

That’s right; remind her that she’s an adult, and therefore has to pay her own rent, buy her own car and pay her own bills- WITH HER OWN MONEY.

Frankly you should both be ashamed.

You’re an enabler, Bro. Stop letting this girl stomp on your integrity and see how long she sticks around. If you’re too much of a p*ssy to say it to her face, you could always just send her an email with the closing lyrics from the 90’s smash sensation, Destiny’s Child.

“Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo' bills? If you did then maybe we could chill.” 

She’ll get the picture. 

Q. I am 6'6″. Why is it so hard to find tall women that aren't already attached to someone?

A. The taller a girl gets the more likely she is to model– and the less likely she is to date you. Look a few inches farther down, where the achievable girls stand.

Q. I am a college student in Florida and I am gay. My problem is I have a female friend who knows I am gay but continues to touch and fondle on me how do I politely tell her to F*CK OFF?

A. I would start off by purchasing a rape whistle. And then, tell her that YOU’RE GAY. Put a reminder in her phone, leave post-its on her car or tattoo it on your f*cking forehead but don’t let her take her misguided sexual frustrations out on you.

That’s a really peculiar and disturbing form of molestation… and I’m sincerely offended by this b*tch’s actions.

Q. I'm 25 and have been dating a girl since college. Her internal clock is ticking and she keeps dropping the “m” bomb on me. A lot of our college friends are seemingly getting engaged daily or at least making steps towards it… while I'm running for the hills. Do I break up with her so as to not waste her time? Or do I keep pretending we're heading towards marriage in hopes that I might eventually come around?

A. Internal clock my (early 20’s) ass. The only thing a girl really cares about is being able to capture the physical beauty and social glory of having a wedding under 30. You know what happens after the wedding? You’re married. Forever.

It shouldn’t be something you get pressured into doing because everyone else is, like losing your virginity, or listening to techno music. This is your f*cking life. Vocalize the fact that you care about her but don’t want to rush into things just because the timing seems “logical”.


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