Q. You know the guy in “Shallow Hal” who freaks out about the girl’s long, second toe? I have a similar condition. Recently, a girl I was on and off with wanted to take things further, I wasn't really into her but her freakishly large girl feet (11s) made it a resounding no go. Not too long ago a friend told me about this girl who was into me. She probably scored at least a 9.5 out of 10 but when she talked to me I couldn’t help but focus on the wispy hairs above her lip so much so I totally bottled it. I'm by no means saying I’m perfect and I can usually suck this “condition” up for a once off, but when it comes to relationships things like bad teeth-to-gum ratios, hairy arms, webbed feet, sticky out ears or cross-eyed chicks just don’t cut it. Is this understandable or does this Bro need help?
A. You are well within your rights, my brother. Tiny dwarf thumbs, oddly visible blonde ass hairs, forest fire-smelling hair, non-photogenic-ness, chronic horse-sh*t breath, light bulb-shaped big toes, lip hair, vascular breasts, religious beliefs, dressing up as Elmo for Halloween: these are all reasons why I’ve dumped or stopped talking to girls. That may seem like a flurry of superficial nonsense, and some of it is, but you tell me how I’m supposed to go into public on Halloween with Tickle Me Elmo while the rest of the chick population is breathing down my neck dressed like one gigantic wh*re. That's asking far too much of a mere mortal.
I strongly advise you to not change. If you truly were into a girl you might be able to get over a glaring oddity, but if you're on the fence about her anyway, what's the point? It takes far more energy to ignore something than it does to throw it away. Try as we might, there are some things our overly critical brains just can’t get past. And that’s O.K. You’re not a monster because of it. You can still even be her friend, you just can’t f*ck her anymore because she has infant teeth, that’s all.
Q. How much is a blow job worth to you?
A. For me, blow jobs are nice to have but not a necessity. Better than a hand job, and welcomed with open fly in a car, but they’re not worth that much to me.
My first qualm with blow jobs: When they suck, they REALLY suck.
It’s feast or famine with fellatio. Great head is fantastic but sh*tty head can leave you in agony. That’s the beauty of v*ginas: most don’t have teeth.
My second qualm with blow jobs: They count but they don’t REALLY count.
Yeah, getting a pipe job from some chick is great — real stress reliever – but no one puts BJs on their resume. People don’t ask, “Yo Bro, how many times have you been blown?” They say, “How many chicks have you f*cked?” I know it’s not a numbers game, but it kinda is.
My third qualm with blow jobs: Blowing your load can take total concentration and if you’re drunk, hours.
When you whack off, or have sex, you’ve got some level of control. With blow jobs, you’re in God’s hands and her mouth (assuming you're not the type who face f*cks girls). The problem with relinquishing all control is that you lose consistency. She can crush it for a few minutes, you’ll be like nine-tenths of the way to putting her eye out, and the next thing you know she eases up and decides it’s time for her to run her tongue up and down your shaft for two minutes. Thoughtful gesture – probably pulled straight from the only p*rn she’s ever watched – but a man with a few hundred thousand faps under his belt can’t get anything from that. We’ve beat all those surface nerves off years ago. We need friction.
So what’s a blow job worth to me? Five or six bucks. Maybe throw in a can of domestic beer if she puts her heart into it.
(note: we know the blow job is one word, but we don't have to use asterisks if we make it two.)
Q. Bro, can you post a spring break video I made with my Bros at Panama City Beach, FL? I think viewers will enjoy!
A. I can and I will. But only because there are girls violently shaking their sh*t factories with seductive intentions at the 3:45 mark.
Q. How do you approach a Bro handshake when in college? It's always hard to guess which one the other guy and his Bros used to use back in their hometown. Do you go for the slide and pound or the handshake Bro hug? I usually just try to take charge so they look stupid when they mess it up.
Basically what I am asking is how to approach a handshake with a Bro who you don't know very well without making it awkward.
A. Make no mistake about it, sh*t’s going to get awkward. To this day, the only time I feel comfortable shaking a stranger’s hand is in a business setting or if it’s an old man. You know what you’re going to get: a normal, run-of-the-mill, hug-free handshake. The way God intended it to be. Although some old men still think it’s the f*ckin’ Wild West and they try to gain instant respect by crippling your hand.
But human interaction is unavoidable and there are literally 100’s of iterations to a normal handshake, making it impossible to know what someone’s going to throw your way in an informal setting. That’s why you have to throw first. It’s a must. You’ve got to take the lead so you’re not left looking like the awkward sh*thead that doesn’t know how to introduce yourself.
But what handshake should you chose?
Personally, I always go for the pound. And it’s not because I like the pound (I’d prefer to throw the Bash Brothers’ forearm any day), but the pound removes the Bro hug from the equation. The last thing I want to do is half-heartedly hug someone I don’t know. The second positive that the pound provides is it’s hard to f*ck up. You see a closed fist, you hit it with a closed fist. Very uncomplicated sh*t. But last, and quite possibly the best reason for the pound, is that it makes the other guy look like a turd when he accidentally tries to shake your closed fist.
Q. I know wearing a condom while getting head is a sin but what about those times a girl is just a little too dirty for your liking? Should you get straight to the pounding or should you just bare it out through the blow job that could f*ck over your sex life and send you a trip to the dermatologist?
A. Can you even feel anything if you wear a condom while getting dome? Like I said earlier, getting blown doesn’t really get me all the way there so I’ll take option B, toss on the condom, and just f*ck her. That, or jerk myself off while trash mouth makes balloon animals as I grope her tits.
Another thing to consider is if you’re the one to suggest using the condom, she’s going to think your d*ck is a disease farm. If I were you, I’d take my chances that the girl doesn’t have an oral herpes outbreak before I make her think that I have a genital herpes outbreak by asking to use a condom.
Q. Whatcha bench, J. Camm?
A. These questions are getting awfully personal. Since it is National Cleavge Day, I'll answer.
Honestly, I haven’t used a barbell in a few years because I lift alone and asking random people to spot me is out of the question — that stopped the day some dude's forehead sweat hit me in the face mid-set while he was spotting me. I don't need that in my life.
Nowadays, I just use dumbbells. I don't max ever, but I always lift heavy. I can throw up the 110's in my final set for about 4 to 6 reps on a good day. What that equates to on a barbell, I have no idea.
Q. For the love of God, J. Camm, why the f*ck is Jackie MacMullan still on “Around the Horn?” What does this dyke bring to the table? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. So why does ESPN still allow this tomfoolery to go on?
A. I can’t say that I’m a huge fan of “Around the Horn” (“PTI” covers the same stuff 30-minutes later) but if I am about to watch it and I see MacMullan on the panel I change the channel before my dick inverts itself. With all the hot broads working in sports right now (I'm talking to you Holly Sonders, you Golf Channel minx), why put such a f*cking eyesore on my screen?
I realize that isn't an answer — it's just me agreeing with you — but I'm not running things at The World Wide Leader. You can bet your ass if I was, I'd be hiring and firing with extreme prejudice.
Q. O.K., so here is where I'm at: I'm a 19-year-old college kid and I have this math teacher who has been obviously flirting with me since the start of the semester. Like she bought me Chick-Fil-A and proceeded to bring it to class to give to me in front of everybody. And to top it off, she is pretty damn hot. Especially for a teacher. I’d easily give her an 8. She has been emailing me back and forth for about a month now, and two days ago she asked for my number. So I clearly gave it to her. She just called me randomly and asked, “What are you up to, and do you have plans for Spring Break? If nothing, would you like to have some help on your math?” Now, I'm good at math so we both know where this is bound to be heading… So my question is: Do I pull an “American Pie” and just bang the sh*t out of her? Do I wait till after the semester so sh*t doesn't get weird? Or do I say f*ck it to hell and not do anything?
A. I get the sense you want to do this and you will do this — I’m 100% onboard with that — but don’t wait for the semester to end. For all you know she picks a new student every semester and inducts him into the elite fraternity that is her v*gina. Being in this class RIGHT NOW might be your only shot. Then again, it might not be. But why take that chance?
You’re currently in the position that 99% of us have always wanted to be in. One of my biggest regrets is that I can’t tell my future sons that I got to f*ck my way to an A. I never want you to know what that burden is like. But it seems like you don’t need to f*ck her to get an A, which is probably more beneficial since if this goes public (after you tell your boys and they tell anyone willing to listen) you won’t get in any kind of trouble.
Q. So my girl has a strange thing with desperation sex. She likes me to be dying for a piss when we have sex. She for some reason gets incredible turned on by this, but I'm not so sure about it. Is this some sick fetish that I should run from or should I just deal with it?
A. And here’s our question of the f*ckin’ week. My God, I don’t even know where to begin with this.
/searches desperation sex for 30 minutes.
1. Run for the hills.
2. Educate her on the detrimental repercussions of always holding in urine and hope she sees the light.
3. Convince her this is how spontaneous combustion is caused.
4. Start pissing inside her v*gina during sex, innocently be like, “Oh sh*t, I think I’m pissing. I told you this was a bad idea,” while simultaneously pulling out mid-piss and hosing down her face. If that doesn’t dissuade her, revisit Option 1.