From Obama’s thrilling inauguration, to the trifecta of dime-piece appearances during the Super Bowl (Alicia Keys, Beyonce & Bar Refaeli), to the Pope cleaning out his closet, to the image of Katy Perry’s tits still living in the minds millions of guys after the Grammy’s, it has been an eventful start to Spring Semester to say the least. Even though I only care about three of the four things mentioned above and none of them have anything to do with college (I’m pretty sure the day after Super Bowl is one of the many unofficial days to not go to class), it’s what we’ve been seeing and hearing about for the past few weeks.
By the end of this semester you MIGHT be asking yourself, “What did I really accomplish this Spring Semester?” If not, you will at least look back and remember the fun times, the crappy times, the drunk times and of course all the times you took a new chick to Pound Town. You see, you will then have your own list of newsworthy shit that you will remember from your epic Spring Semester.
Just know that it’s mostly uphill from here and there’s also a great chance that you will NOT be accomplishing any of these things:
Keeping Peace with Neighbors, Campus Security and Law Enforcement
It’s just not going to happen. Thanks to this past Fall Semester; they already hate you. The fact that you live close if not right next to them and that you’re always outside drinking during both snowy days and nice sunny days to come just makes them hate you even more. All of the puke, piss and cigarette butts that have landed on their property will double this semester as well as the amount of run-ins with both campus security and law enforcement AKA “The Pigs.” As the semester comes to a close, all three will conclude that their favorite week of your second semester was during spring break. That is a bold statement you want to make.
Sucking Face with 8’s and Higher
There’s always competition with your roommates to see who can suck face with the hottest chick by the end of the semester. In college the normal standards for your everyday Bro is to get with a girl who is at least a hard 8 or higher. A hard 8 describes how hot a girl is out of a scale of 1-10 (1 being similar to the girl that played Precious and 10 being Minka Kelly’s twin sister). Unfortunately the scale is always altered during Spring Semester due to the abundance of butterface’s who like to show off their hot asses in mini skirts and yoga pants. Not only does this have an affect on a dude’s way of thinking but mix in some binge drinking and mind-altering substances and your hard 8 has just turned into a 4 or 5 at best.
The Road Trip
The conversation usually goes one of two ways:
You: “Yo I gotta make up for not visiting last semester”
Your Bro: “Yea you do asshole, you should drive up the last weekend in April”
You: “The last weekend of April?”
Your Bro: “Yea, that’s our spring weekend, house crawls and keg races all day every day”
You: “But that’s the same weekend as my spring weekend”
Your Bro: “You pussy”
You: “Fuck my life”
Scenario Two (Pre Spring Semester):
Your Bro: “My man, you gotta come visit me this semester so we can fuck mad bitches”
You: “Def Bro, I’m in. Just let me know when”
Your Bro: “Sounds good”
(Similar texts and phone calls will take place until the semester is over and you both ask yourselves why it never happened…during the summer…when you’re finally hanging out)
Spring Semester goes by very fast and a lot of random extremely fun times happen out of no where. You never want to go visit someone on the weekend only to come back and hear that it was the best weekend that you missed out on. Sorry guys sometimes it’s not going to happen.
Paying the Last Months Rent
Landlord’s suck for multiple reasons, mostly because they are forced to put up with your bullshit. Fall Semester was the preview and Spring Semester is the main event when it comes to absolutely destroying an off-campus house and you don’t care about paying the last month’s rent for multiple reasons including:
• It is your Senior year and this is in no way a priority.
• You don’t plan on living in the same house or apartment next year.
• You know what time he calls and when he shows up so it’s easier to just avoid him/her.
• The number of people living in your house or apartment is greater than five.
• You’re not getting your security deposit back anyway.
A Regrettable Spring Break Story
This is self explanatory. Do shit you’ve never done before, it could turn out really good or really bad both of which make great story’s that you won’t regret having. Plus, it is Spring Break.
A Consistent (If Any) Gym Schedule
New Year’s resolutions don’t last more than a week and by now your only motivation to go to the gym is to get ripped before Spring Break. Since this is your only motivation to go there in the first place, you probably won’t do so on a consistent basis. I’m all for keeping a solid workout plan (at least until you go away for Spring Break) but being hungover five out-of-the seven days a week; it makes it a little hard to keep one. To keep yourself motivated on the days you can’t make it to the gym, just play video games that involve some sort of sport or physical acitivity. For example, days I didn’t feel like going to the gym I’d just play Fifa or Madden for a few hours to make up for all the physical activity I missed out on. It’s that simple. When you do decide to workout, make sure to approach everyone you dislike seeing at the gym and let them know you are going away for Spring Break to make them jealous and to let them know that you are the man and they are not.
Not Hazing the Pledges
I don’t know why there is always more tension with the pledges who want to join your frat Spring Semester. It’s either because they waited until Spring Semester to pledge in the first place or many other possible reasons I can’t think of at the moment. Either way it’s impossible not to haze the shit out of pledges a little more during this time of year due to weather. Coming into the Spring Semester it’s always decently cold (unless you were smart and decided to go to a school down South or out West) so why not use that to your advantage when hazing the pledges? I myself have lost many games of beer pong in which I had to run down the block naked which also helped me take my anger out on every new pledge come spring. Mainly, you will see that the Fall Semester pledges are always better than the Spring Semester pledges because they are cooler and do not lack Bro Pledgability (the act where a pledge proves himself to be a Bro) which makes you haze them a lot more.
Never Being Absent, Tardy or Fully Giving A Shit About Class
In general, class and school work are the absolute last things on any Bro’s mind during Spring Semester. To sum up this semester: Your goal is to be as drunk as much as possible and do the bare minimum of school work in order to pass all your classes. That being said there are two things you will have to do in order to just get by: One, pay someone to write your term paper. Two, lie to your professors. Paying someone doesn’t always mean with money, in fact beer, weed, food, narcotics, getting a sorority chick to blow them, etc., are always good substitutes. As far as lying to your professors, make sure to be as creative and believable as possible:
Dear Profesor B******,
I was not able to attend class today because I was not feeling well. I woke up with a fever and stomach ache which has led to unpleasant bowel movements. Is there any chance I can have an extension on my religion paper that was due today? I would really appreciate it and do not want to fall behind.
I hope to be in class later in the week but wanted to email you to let you know why I was absent. Thank you so much for understanding.
This was a real email I wrote to my religion professor my sophomore year in college after writing it I had to save it onto my external hard drive. I realize that I lied to my professor so I could have an extension on a paper in my religion class and that I will probably go to hell because of it. On a lighter note, I had fun that day.