say-when-sexting

Recently, the Huffington Post got some college sex columnists together to tackle the sticky topic of sexting. Mid-discussion, the issue was raised of specific words one should use:

Julia Reinstein, a sex columnist at American University, claims that the word “pussy” is not a sexy term for a woman’s lady-parts and that there is no socially comfortable word for “vagina” in sexting.

“I think the only reason we don’t think ‘vagina’ is a sexy word is because we’ve been taught that ‘vagina’ isn’t a sexy word,” she said.

So, according to Reinstein, “pussy” isn’t sexy, and “vagina” is also not sexy. What then is one who wishes to wax poetic in text message form on a woman’s Special No-No Place supposed to do?

“I really think we should just reclaim the word ‘vagina’ personally,'” she said.

The discussion got me thinking: What are the best terms to use while sexting, exactly?

As a veteran dater who has gone on upwards of 100 first dates, I’ve done my fair share of sexting. In fact, I can never run for public office—there are far too many people in possession of my nudes.

Ruined political future aside, I do think I’ve got this sexting thing figured out. And much like anything else in this world, there’s sexting that is good, sexting that is bad, and sexting that is downright U-G-L-Y.

Let’s start where the sex columnists left off, with sexting terms for ladies.

The Good: “Inside you”

Guys, this is the sexiest sexting sext ever sexted. It gets to the heart of the matter—bonin’—while simultaneously avoiding the ick factor of any of the other terms for female genitalia. The minute my boyfriend hits send on a message containing “I want to be inside you so bad?” Oh, it is ON. I’m ripping his clothes off the minute he walks through the door.

As a consolation prize, I’m going to award First Runner-Up to “pussy.” Sexy as “inside you” is, it doesn’t have versatility “pussy” does (“I want to taste your inside you” sounds ludicrous, for example).

The Bad: “Vagina”

I get Reinstein thinks it should be reclaimed, but guys, don’t ever sext this. It’s downright clinical—like I’m having a conversation with my gynecologist. Unless you’re planning on lecturing me about how to avoid contracting HPV, leave “vagina” in the doctor’s office.

Also Bad: Boobs

Come on, are you 12? Call ‘em tits. It’s more adult.

The Ugly: “Cunt”

This is not arousing; this is a text with intent to incite a riot. I have never experienced a day in my life where this word didn’t raise my hackles a little bit. If you want to keep your lady lubricated—and for that matter, not pissed off—never speak of this word again.

But obviously, women aren’t the only ones involved in sexting. What about guy parts?

The Good: “Dick” or “cock”

Honestly, either one works. If I swiped open my text inbox to reveal either “you make my dick so hard” or “you make my cock so hard,” I wouldn’t bat an eyelash—nay, I’d giggle, blush, and try to think of something equally salacious to reply.

Side note: Telling a woman she makes you hard is OH-SO DELECTABLE. It makes her feel like she’s an irresistible sex goddess for whom you are at the mercy of your insatiable lust. Do this. Yes, do this.

The Bad: “Penis”

Again, far too clinical to sext.

So we’ve got body parts covered. Let’s move on to sex acts.

The Good: “Fuck,” “suck,” “lick,” “cum,” “wet”

The gold standard of sexting. These pretty much cover it, don’t they?

The Bad: “Bang,” “Dripping,” “jizz”

We’ve moved into sophomoric territory. If someone were to sext me “I can’t wait to bang you until I jizz” as opposed to “I can’t wait to fuck you until you cum hard”—well, frankly, I’d cringe. Cringing is NOT the reaction you want the fantasy of having sex with you to elicit.

And let’s put this to bed once and for all: We girls get wet. We don’t drip. We’re morning dew on a daisy, not your leaky faucet.

The Ugly: “Screw,” “spooge,” “pussy juice,” “slobber”

Oh, for fuck’s sake. I just… I can’t. Ugh.

Basically, the moral of this is don’t overthink sexting. The more creative you get, the more likely it is you’ll start training our brains to have the utterly Pavlovian reaction of feeling queasy whenever we hear our phones ding with text messages. The simplest phrases/terms are often the best.

Though, if you’re cute, I’ll probably send you pics regardless.

[Sexting via Shutterstock]