Two weeks in a row with a new Ask a Bro. Feels like old times. Feels good. Submit your Ask a Bro questions below.
Q: I recently discovered that my girlfriend of 4 years has been cheating on me. I had a bad feeling it was happening, so I went through her work emails two nights ago and discovered several of them back and forth with one of her coworkers. I haven’t said anything to her yet, but it’s killing me. Truthfully, I haven’t been perfect in the past either, but she doesn’t know. How should I approach this?
A: Knowledge can be a cruel mistress, can’t she? Here you were, riding high on the fact that you got away with doing some bad shit in the past and then the universe swept in and fucked ya up the ass.
GAH. This is a tough one.
Normally, I’d say wait a few hours or days to let your rage dissipate and then calmly tell her you know what’s going on and that she can spend the rest of eternity fucking herself. But you, too, are a cheater. So where do we go from here? An ugly, ugly place where you both air it all out and finally realize maybe, just maybe, the two of you shouldn’t date anymore. Or, you keep pretending that you’re a victim and confront her with the emails. Then you leave the relationship looking like the best guy ever and you fuck one of her best friends as revenge in the very near future. Because when someone hurts you, fucking their friend is almost always the best remedy.
Both are real options. The third option, which is to let it slide because you made a few mistakes once, is not an option. The difference between you and her now is that you know she’s conducting a full-blown second relationship on the side. And if you do nothing she will keep on living the dream.
Q: My bosses are relentless when it comes to using buzz words. Which buzz word do you hate the most?
A: Ooof. That’s like asking me “which terrorist do you hate the most?” The answer: all of them. All of them are abhorrent and all of them deserve to die. Although without buzz words, office life wouldn’t quite be the same.
Here are a few I especially hate, and have (shamefully) probably used before.
Carve out some time
Tee up a call
When the rubber meets the road
Can’t see the forest through the trees
From an overuse standpoint, synergy has got to be the worst of the lot. Everyone is synergizing. People are finding synergies in things that aren’t even synergistic. It’s amazing. It’s sickening.
From a “that’s fucking obnoxious” standpoint, cross-pollination takes the goddamn cake. It takes it all the way home and eats the entire cake all by itself like the pig cunt that it is.
So yeah, those are my two choices.
(Note: I should mention that I’ve used both in recent conversation. Afterwards I felt like a dirty, dirty whore.)
Q: Hey man so my girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years. During those two years were two spring breaks that she went kinda wild on. Not to be sappy but it broke my heart. I don’t really want to go through that again seeing as she is about to go on spring break to Panama City Beach again this year. Is there a way I could come to trust her more in the next few weeks? Or even better is there a way I cannot stress out during the whole week of her Spring Break? She implores me to trust her and says she won’t but history has tended to repeat itself in this relationship and I’m near my limit. Thanks for the help.
A: Your threshold for being shit on is quite remarkable in the least remarkable of ways. She’s cheated on you twice that you know about and, yet, you’re only NEAR your limit. Out of curiosity, how many more dicks need to be sucked dry for her to surpass that limit? What’s it going to take? Because I’m willing to ship a few of my friends to Panama City Beach to help you get there.
What we have here is as fine a time as any for you to look at what this relationship has done to you. It’s ruined two perfectly good spring breaks. It’s made you paranoid about letting your girlfriend go anywhere. It’s probably made you to be known as “that guy whose girlfriend cheated on him and then he took her back” around campus. And worse than anything, it’s caused you to ask me how you can better manage all the stress of her leaving again rather than asking if you should dump her.
Do what you want with your relationship, IT’S YOUR LIFE TO RUIN, but maybe you shouldn’t trust her, like, EVER. No matter what kind of “I’ll never do this again” nonsense she’s spewing out of that multi-use hole on her face, her track record proves that, like my butthole after an abundance of lactose, she cannot be trusted.
Timeout for one of my favorite True Detective quotes so far.
Old Marty Hart has some regrets, he does. On a related note: are we going to find out he has ass cancer at the end of this?
Q: Firstly, good job reviving the Ask a Bro section, it has been a difficult few weeks for us all.
Anyway, as valid and entertaining as questions from university advisors about sleeping with students, or sleeping with your supposed ‘bros’ sister, are, I have a serious one. After four years in a very happy relationship, I’m coming to the completion of my postgraduate study. Do I go to the Navy and spend four years of months at sea and probably have a pretty good time, or move to North America with this woman of mine (neither option involves breaking up, one involves sucky time away).
A: I’m hung up on a few deets here. I can’t tell whether or not you want to join the Navy. Like, is joining the Navy your version of me wanting to become a pro golfer? You know, is it a passion, something you would potentially risk an entire relationship to experience? Or are you just not sure what to do with your life and you’re banking that joining the Navy will shove a boot up your ass and stop you from being such an indecisive prick?
If it’s all you’ve ever wanted to do with your life, go the Navy route. If it’s not, maybe stick with your girlfriend so the relationship doesn’t die an inevitable distance death and soak in life as a gluttonous, natural-resource-burning civilian. It’s a hella good time.
Q: Mighty J. Camm, I apologize for the grotesque would you rather I’m about to present you with.
So one night a year ago or so, a few of my bros and I were at some party. Couple hours go by and one of my bros drunkenly out of nowhere admits to having played soggy biscuit in the past (Shouldn’t be a surprise he went to an all guys high school). None of the rest of us knew what that was at the time and upon discovering have obviously given him shit about it since.
For those who don’t know, and I can’t blame them, it’s a game in which dudes perform a circle jerk onto a biscuit or cookie and the last one to finish has to eat the cookie. Why any bro would want to play this is beyond me.
We fuck with him pretty regularly about it now because 1.) it’s hilarious and 2.) we have a running good-natured debate on if it actually gayer to finish and win or not finish and lose, subsequently eating the biscuit. Of course the whole concept of the game is fucked in the first place so this is always just good for a laugh.
That being said, being forced at gunpoint (I guess the only other acceptable conditions would be unlimited sex with an ageless Lauren Hanley/saving humanity) would you rather:
A.) Play the game once and win but have photographic evidence of you playing texted to every person at your university (including profs, say 30K+ people total, cannot transfer).
B.) Play the game five times and lose every time but have complete assurance that no one else will know you had to play?
A: JESUS. CHRIST.
Full disclosure: Prior to reading this question — that I normally would have wished landed in my spam folder had it not brought with it such invaluable enlightenment — I always thought a soggy biscuit was just an exceptionally wet shit. Don’t know why I thought that, just did. To my wonderment, however, it’s so much more than a greasy loaf. So much grosser, too.
Your lack of surprise that your buddy played soggy biscuit because he went to an all-boys high school is an interesting theory. For all I know jerking off on a biscuit was an idea that sprung from juvenile boredom, but SHIT, now I’m scared that sending my kid to an all-boys school may ultimately result in him A) being able to jerk off regardless of the 15 other dudes punchin’ off around him B) acquiring a taste for semen covered biscuits or C) high-fiving his buddy when they cum at the same time while yelling “we fuckin cross-pollinated that shit, bro!”
Believe it or not, I don’t want that for my future son.
Anyway, enough thinking about how terrible my dipshit kid is going to turn out…
I suppose the better fate to have in your gun-to-head scenario is win once and be the dredge of society for the next four years. College was awesome and all, but it isn’t nearly as awesome as not eating five cum-soaked biscuits. And I don’t need to eat five cum-soaked biscuits to tell you that.
Q: Is it considered bro to recycle condoms? Unless I bang some nameless skank in the shithole; I’ll usually wash my rubbers with a mix of vinegar, spit and Ivory soap. My best bud thinks it is totally gross. I beg to differ. What do you think?
A: Hi, Ivan. So glad you’re back.
Granted this question is little more than a thoughtful troll job by our friend Ivan, but it did remind me of something. I’m not going to name any names, but if you remember that column by David Covucci a month ago where he heroically fucked a slew of Japanese sex toys for the sake of Internet content, you’d recall that there was a one-time-use masturbation egg included in his review. Well, what happened was, Covucci got a pack of six of them; he kept one for his story and then handed them out to various people in our office. Without naming names, I’d just like to inform everyone that one of those lucky egg recipients openly admitted to us that he recycled his egg. Might have even ran it through the gentle cycle in his dishwasher. Happy I got that off my chest. You know who you are, you fucking monster.
Final verdict: reusing condoms or jerk off eggs is no way to go through life.
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[Cheating image via ShutterStock]
And submit your Ask a Bro questions in the form below, because those glitches I mentioned last week…OH YEAH, STILL GOT ‘EM!