When Bros bail, no one wins. It's happened to us all: You're out at a bar, you're drunk, and you're getting turned down by girls whose senses of entitlement don't match their attractiveness. The night is a complete wash and it just got worse—you can't find your DD/least drunk person who drove (assuming pledge ride is over for the semester). Questions run through your mind: What the f*ck? What now? Who is your daddy and what does he do?
You probably didn't ask yourself that last question, but if you did, you definitely asked it in Arnold Schwarzenegger's voice. The first two questions however, probably did go through your head, because sh*t just got real. This is a predicament beyond just being left at a bar; it is about a trusted Bro bailing on you for either for a Denny's Grand Slamwich or a girl who's a hit-and-quit 7 at best. You should be furious at this situation, but not necessarily furious at your Bro.
Put yourself in his shoes: It's been a rough week and he needs to feel the insides of a lady person. All of a sudden, said lady person (a f*ckable 7) appears and presents him with, “If we leave right now you can do whatever you want with me.” He’ll probably glance around the bar, purposely not see you, leave and go slay. You’ll end up taking a cab home and the next day everyone will see the trainwreck he plowed, bust his balls and move on. But it’s okay, because on some level you got to live vicariously through his fornication (assuming you got none). The cab expense was definitely annoying, but he will owe everyone drinks in the future, and you will forever get to talk sh*t about him bailing on you for that creature.
It’s the time that your Bro leaves you at the bar to go eat or sleep that should infuriate you. In this situation no one wins. He left because he copped out, and copping out is a complete lack of respect for you and anyone else he left at the bar. And for what? A Grand Slamwich? A sad, lonely beat-off sesh and an extra hour of sleep? Being left behind under these circumstances is rude and shall entitle you to 3 things:
1. A full reimbursement of the money you spent on the cab ride.
2. Forever getting to talk sh*t about him for bailing on you to jerk off.
3. One free nut tap at a time of your choosing (I am totally 100% against nut tapping for any reason but in this case, hit him so hard he throws up).
No bro should bail on you for anything, but if it happens (and it will happen) make sure it was for a good cause.*
*Having sexual intercourse with a f*ckable adult human female 7 or above. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who only judges people by the color of their teeth. You can follow him on Twitter @sToTle.