Life
by Brian Killen on April 8, 2013

The conversation started off normal, just me and my buds sitting around, reminiscing about ex-girlfriends, past hookups gone wrong and Kim Jong Un – pretty much everyone we hate but somehow subconsciously know they are out there, happy on their knees, blowing multiple dudes because that’s what they do best. One topic led to another and before you know it, my friends brought up a very unpleasant story that I once shared with   them the summer after my freshman year of high school; the summer that I received my first blow job. Her name was _______ (insert name of a girl you’ve had a bad sexual experience with or dislike very much) and although it was her first time doing this she had informed me of her banana-practicing skills, so being nervous was not an issue for me.

SIDE NOTE: After she brought up her “banana-practicing” skills it was inevitable not think of this scene from the movie Boat Trip which came out several months prior to my experience, which also gave me high hopes for receiving my first BJ:

Even though it was also my first time standing there like a totem pole in the bushes of my friend’s backyard, I know Miss Pocahontas was not perfecting the art of the blow job by any means. I forgot to mention one minor detail: She had braces. Need I say more? I was literally scarred for life and this is probably something thousands of high school freshmen can still relate to. I know this because since then I wasn’t the only one to put together such a horrifying story about taking the next step to man-hood — which after “double clicking a girl’s mouse” was in fact getting head.

I’m hoping my experience is not something most guys will relate to but the fact that it’s still being brought up years later definitely says something. I responded to my friends, (and standing my ground?) “Ok, well plenty of girls are still giving out bad blow job’s and I’m pretty sure their not wearing braces these days, so would you rather get a bad bj or get nothing at all and by that I mean blue balls.” This raised some eyebrows and we determined what sucks more by reviewing the three main factors of each peculiar sexual dilemma. 

The Actual Pain
Pain is a very important factor and something that is going to happen if (more like when) put in either situation. I also never thought I would graduate college and begin writing about what sexual activity brings more harm to the human penis but that’s neither here nor there.

Blue balls is the equivalent of taking a 5lb weight and tying a rope to the weight and then proceeding to tie the other end of that rope to your ball sack and letting it hang for about ten minutes. After releasing the 5lb weight from the ball sack the pain moves from your actual balls to anywhere from the top of your penis to below your belly button (the male version of a FOPA *minus the actual fat).

The solution to the pain: There is none. Jerking off doesn’t even heal it.

There are two main differences between the pain from blue balls and the pain from a bad bj: One, the pain is located in different places. No shit. Blue balls actually hurt your balls then continues crawl up in your lower stomach like I just mentioned above. Two, you know what to expect with blue balls because it’s an elongated process. The frustration and reality of the chick not putting out and living up to your sexual imaginations will add on to the overall pain you feel from blue balls. On the other hand, a bad bj is quick and unexpected and will shock you and your penis a lot more than you think. This is only half the battle. The other half, like I experienced, can be anything from blood, scaring and severe mental damage. Suddenly that kid’s broken leg from Louisville’s basket ball team doesn’t seem so bad.

Bad BJ: 1
Blue Balls: 0

The Awkwardness of Seeing Her Again
Just like running into a chick you had a one night stand with, which always seems to conveniently happen, running into the girl who gave you blue balls or a terrible blow job will always be awkward.

The girl that gave you blue balls:
She knows what she did and she will either ignore you (being a complete bitch or pretending like nothing happened) or be head over heals in love with you because she thinks you gave the thumbs up to taking things slow or “one day at a time.” If that’s the case YOU will have to ignore HER and pretend like nothing happened.

The girl that gave you a terrible blow jay:
Unlike Miss Blue Balls who thinks she didn’t do anything wrong because she really decided to do nothing, bad blow job girl will most likely approach you and say something nice, cute, or slutty which in this case are all good things. I doubt she will actually say something slutty but who knows with girls these days. She knows what she did is 100% her fault and she really didn’t mean to hurt you. The balls are literally in her court to come up to you and at least try and make things right which is not always bad of a thing.

Bad BJ: 0
Blue Balls: 1

The Overall Experience
This includes the mental exhaustion from the first two factors, the story you will have to tell your friends, and the aftermath of looking at your genitals with little to no confidence for about two weeks. The overall experiences from either of these situations are in no way ego boosters but in the end one does suck more than the other. A girl that doesn’t know how to blow you or isn’t willing to blow at all is in no way dateable, at first. You know the saying: You can’t teach an old dog a new trick. Well in this case the girl that gave you blue balls is “the old dog” and if she’s not willing to do anything don’t waste your time trying to get in the hole unless you’re Shooter McGavin. When it comes to “the new dog” AKA the girl who gave you a bad bj, do what I did and take one for the team. If you’re hooking up with a girl or you actually like her enough where you’re thinking about dating her, although she’s not on par with her blow job skills – make banana’s apart of your new diet and show her the video above.

*Just the video, not this article.

Bad BJ: 0
Blue Balls: 1

So, what sucks more? Blue Balls.