Life
by Fitz E Fresh on August 14, 2013


Q: What sport produces the best bedroom athlete? Is there one sport that gives its males an advantage in the bedroom?

A: I like the survival of the fittest attitude here bro. And bedroom athletics…I like even more.

As in all sports played on a field, the three most important components for success in the bedroom are endurance, agility and strength; probably in that order.
But just like making it past training camp, if you want to fuck like an Olympian you better goddamn work for it.

Being a man of the quick, strong and able-bodied sort never hurt anybody, despite their speciality, so you have a leg simply by virtue of your title as a sportsman and your years on the field. But if I were to select those sports which correlate most directly to sex appeal, it would probably be soccer and tennis. This is of course an objective opinion– but I like my men quick and cut. Football players are fat, baseball players are lazy with big butts and a chewing tobacco habit, and basketball players strictly date side skanks and those ladies on the show, “Basketball Wives.”

I'm sure at least one part of the previous sentence will have some of you guys all up in arms, wanting to argue with me and comment on this post…whatever. You ask my opinion, you get it. Sorry I'm not sorry fools. Anyways. Treat your bed like the playing field- get in it to fucking win it.

Q: I have never given my girlfriend of 3 years an orgasm. (We have sex frequently and she doesn't seem to care.) Anyways, my question is why does she never want me to go down on her? She “let” me do it once, and it was the closest I've ever gotten her to orgasm; I can tell she loved it. But never again has she let me do it, why not?

A: Yikes.

So. In regards to this orgasm-less predicament…put yourself in her shoes. Imagine going three years without having any orgasms during your routine sexual encounters with your partner, who does…and imagine that you “don't seem to care”. Not, fucking, likely.

Dudes get it in their heads that just because most girls don't behave as they do sexually — you know, jerk off daily (multiple times on the weekend), watch porn like it's Oprah and picture every girl they see completely naked– that women don't have the same needs sexually. This is wrong.

Sure, we're a little tougher to get off, and we do think about things other than boobs during our day-to-day, but in no way does that mean we don't need to get ours.

So my diagnosis for your girl is that she's either a prude, a lesbian, or a cheater. None of these seem to be in your favor– so get to the fucking root of the problem.
She may not “seem” to care, but have you asked her outright if it in fact bothers her, and how you as her lover can fix it?

You don't have to listen to me, but even if it's from her own hand — your girl is probably getting it in elsewhere.

As for the going down on her thing, this second piece of information leads to me believe that she probably isn't fucking another dude; or into going down on other chicks.

I think it brings us back to option A – she's a prude.

Before I shit completely on your long-term girlfriend, I will say that a lot of girls just don't feel comfortable with your head between their legs.

My feelings toward the act may differ, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Some girls just aren't into it. Seem like she falls into that category. But rather than consult me on the issue, it should go without saying that consulting her directly would be the more appropriate and effective route.

Q: I stayed at college for an extra month is year for our summer session (partly for poor grades during the year- partly for the poolside binge drinking). I finally banged my freshman year crush one night and had the greatest bang i ever have, with a follow-up in the morning before she left my place.

Here's the catch: She has a boyfriend.

I knew previously that she did and I did not attempt to make a move when the perfect confluence of events came together and we finally formally met. Now, clearly I cannot date her knowing what has transpired and me being “that guy”. But she never formally said anything to me about having a boyfriend I saw via Facebook.

We banged the end of the summer session.

Her and her boyfriend are still together and he doesn't know. I can't stop thinking about how great it was and how I want to do it again. Where do I go from here?

A: Interesting predicament. Though the home wrecker may have been a great lay, she is still, at her core, a home wrecker; even if it is her own proverbial home that she's wrecking.

The thing is this – while she may have been a special, long-awaited, landmark…bla, bla, lay for you…you've got to imagine that if she's shamelessly boning dudes behind her boyfriends back, you are probably not The Chosen One. That's right. When there's one, there are always others.

I mean you gotta feel sorry for the poor sap who calls himself her boyfriend. What a fucking joker.

Best case scenario is you break up their fauxlove, only to fall into the same trap and ultimately, though you may not see it coming, turn into the new poor sap/fucking joker. Nobody wants that. It's time to look for a new, non-boyfriend having love

Q: What's the key to getting with a girl who lives in the same apartment building as you? I got her number and we've talked but she been out of town for so long and I don't wanna look desperate and ask when she's coming back ? What's your advice on these sorts of situations

A: You've got her number already, which is definitely the toughest part of the obstacle to overcome. And for that brave sir, I commend you. Now the key is to stay in contact. It is SO convenient– in fact, probably too convenient– to happen to be getting home around the same time on a (Wednesday through) Friday or Saturday night and have the ability to meet up for a late night pizza/joint/movie/fuck.

The odds are in your favor, my friend.

HOWever; if you're going to stand your ground as sexy, potentially fuckable neighbor, make your intentions known fairly early on.

Since moving to New York I have seem some truly devastating cases of NeighborFriend, and I genuinely pity these dudes.

They'll stop at nothing short of fresh cut flowers on the doorstep daily in order to share a bed with the person who's bed is only 20-40 feet from their own. If only those damn walls weren't standing in the way, NeighborFriend.

Sucks to suck.

Even though I was just an asshole about it I do actually feel bad for the blindly obsessed neighbor. And, to be fair, for their very annoyed object of desire (read: my friend). And, for yours truly (read: me) when I have to watch their painful– fucking awful– hallway interactions.

Q: I'm having a relationship issue that requires your guidance. My girlfriend of a year is extremely self-conscious about her body. To the point where she rarely if ever gets naked in front of me. I'm talking sex in t-shirts / the dark etc.

Now this is not because she is hiding anything strange because I have gotten her to a couple times, and she is not a big girl- a size 4 with a smoking body.

I have asked her about it a few times and nothing ever comes of it. Is this purely a self-confidence issue on her part? I compliment her daily on how great she looks and her fantastic body.

How do I get her to stop dressing like a woman in Saudi Arabia and more like she just inked a deal with brazzers?

A: The burka to full frontal transition seems a little unlikely- but her shyness does seem a little extreme.

From burka to g-string- going rogue…I think I'm onto a great porn title. Genre, even.

Though jokes aside I'm very sorry to hear about your fucking-through-a-rip-in-the-sheet predicament, Because that's just not good business for anyone. Nobody is benefiting from that.

Having heard that you compliment, support, and genuinely like her, it's tough for me to pinpoint why she would be so wildly unsure of herself.

In fact, it's tough for me to understand it at all; but as usual, I can certainly try.

A shitty ex-boyfriend is a plausible explanation– as is a chubby childhood or mean mother.

Alliteration aside, you can't reasonably be expected to continue on in this manner. But it's a sticky situation. You don't want to offend or upset her, but you certainly do want to see her in the buff. So ease her into it. Rather than trying to rip all of her clothes off every time, take it piece by piece like a game of strip poker.

The first time, her tee comes off – but leave her bra. The second time, her bra goes. And so on. Frustrating as it may be, this approach is really the only one I could imagine would help you be successful in your pursuit of bare T&A. Godspeed.

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