Life
by Steve Coulter on March 28, 2014

tj-oshie-tinder

If you’re willing to degrade your “game” enough to use an online dating website to facilitate sticking your penis into a vagina, then I’m not going to be the one holding you back.

Some bros need the comfort, or protection, of a digital façade to do what normal guys do every Friday night, and that’s fine. We live in a world where online dating is accepted, permitted, and, now, the norm. Don’t ask me how we’ve gotten to this point because it’ll just lead to a depressing conversation about our generation’s inability to start and hold a natural conversation somewhere like, let’s say, a bar or even a coffee shop.

Moving on to the situation at hand: you’ve chosen to go through Tinder, or whatever else your smart phone suggests you download, to get pussy.

If you’re going to be successful — and trust me, there’s plenty of room to clean up if this is your shtick, then abide by the set of rules of below.

When asked to fill out your personal profile, avoid these areas:

Personal description

Don’t exaggerate it. Descriptions don’t matter. All she’s looking at is your picture, and her friends are helping her make an instant judgment on whether or not you’re cute. Nobody has the time to read through every detail of your personality, so why waste your time filling it out?

You have to view these online vixens as more or less bros — they’re craving sex, whether they’re saying so or not, and they can’t seem to find it anywhere so they’ve turned to their phones for the answer. Any information you give them will only be off-putting no matter how well rounded — physically or mentally — you make yourself sound.

Confidence is something you exude in person, not through a computer screen.

Looking for 

Every website wants to know what its user is looking for: don’t play into their hand. Limiting the pool of girls who you’re looking at will cut your options in half, and that’s poor use of statistics.

It may seem contradictory, I know; the logic being that you’ll pair up with someone also looking for just sex, but this will only result in your profile getting 10 “likes” from 220-plus pound girls who are really just looking for sex.

If you have to check off something to join the site, then you should go for the broadest grouping, like “looking for fun” or whatever stupid, open-ending option they leave you.

Previous relationship

Why in the hell would you want a complete stranger to know anything about your previous relationship? It’s insane to think that this is even an option on some of these things but it does exist so it’s my duty to warn you.

Again, if you have to check it off, be as vague as humanly possible.

Interests 

Nobody on the online dating world gives two shits about whether or not you like to kayak or play video games. It may seem like a way to connect to chicks but its all-just white noise. Remember, they’re doing to you what you’re doing to them — evaluating strictly based on profile photos. You’re not going to win any brownie points saying you know karate.

First date

I can’t stand this question because it implies that there’s going to be a date, when, in reality, the complete opposite is about to transpire.

No one uses, or ever will use, Tinder to set up a date. Some of these other apps may be different, but still, the bottom line is that these apps and sites are for males and females that are looking for someone to have sex with, not share a romantic candlelight dinner.

Smoking and drinking 

It’s good to go ahead and straight lie about this one if you’re forced to fill it out: you don’t smoke and you drink on occasion. Even if there’s some radical chick out there looking for a chain-smoking booze hound, you’re safest bet is to come across like more of a straight-edge type. You’ll get the best results that way.

Why these dating apps care about your smoking and drinking routine is something I’ll never wrap my head around. As if the one-night stand that’s about to come over gives two shits about what I choose to put into my body before she arrives and after she leaves. Get real.

Headline

I know the creators of these things wanted it to be user friendly for both guys and girls, but seriously, no guys should have to be forced to write an awkward and useless one-line headline. If a girl doesn’t want to do it, then she reserves that right too — not trying to start a gender battle here.

I personally don’t get the point of this question for an online dating profile. Like one sentence at the top of your profile is going to attract some chick more than your photo, or vice versa? Come on, really? I’m not buying it for a minute.

I know marketers and advertisers may feel differently, but five or six words are not enough of a selling point for someone — even if horny guys or girls were into that thing our parents call reading. And as we’ve gone over at length so far, they are not.

Income level 

If I don’t want to talk about my previous relationships to strangers, why on earth would I reveal my income level to them? This one infuriates me because its so senseless, unimportant, and, most of all, over-reaching. Before I say something that I will certainly regret later in life, I’m going to just move on to No. 9…

Family history

Believe it or not some of these profiles ask you about your parents relationships (yes, mine are divorced), your birth order (OK, fine, I’m the middle child), and even where you family lives now (not going to give that one away). How is this at all relevant to me getting laid? I really don’t see the connection at all.

And if you’re sensing a common theme here, this last one shouldn’t surprise you…

Children

This one makes me speechless really, but because this is a column I have to say something. Let’s try this: don’t fill out anything children related on your online dating profile. In fact, don’t put anything on there that has to deal with the future — career plans, personal ambitions, marriage (???), and dream location to live. Stay away from all of these.

Steve Coulter

About Steve Coulter...

Steve Coulter is a freelance write for BroBible. He compulsively spends entire paychecks to travel and see live sports, which only hemorrhages more money from his depleted bank account. In his down time, he watches too much TV and contemplates everything that's wrong with the world.