Women are fascinating creatures with all their feelings, their advanced emotional capacity and their secret woman bat signals that NO MAN will ever fully understand. I have been in my fair share of relationships and have been miffed and confused by things that have occurred during the course of each one. Just when you think that you understand a particular comment or a body language cue, you’ll find out hours later that you are the biggest piece of shit in the world and that you don’t listen and that really you don’t even care. Sometimes all three of these ideas are introduced to you at the exact same moment in a firestorm of hurtful comments hurled at you from your lady friend. That is why, for the good of men I have attempted to decode some of the most common things that a girlfriend will say to you and what those things actually mean.
"You don’t have to…"
Means YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO! She probably just asked you to do something i.e. “Can you take out the garbage?” or, “Can you drive?” Then followed it up with a, “But you don’t have to.” If you choose not to do it, you will hear about it for the next 3 hours – 3 years. Any time a girl gives you an option to NOT do something always remember to DO IT.
She is not fine. If she has to assure/convince you that she’s fine you have done something to take her out of the realm of fine. Think about what you’ve done and then think about how much a girl can make it seem 500000000 times worse. That is where she’s at in her head and you need to fix it.
"I hate drama…"
RED FLAG. She clearly loves drama. Anytime a girl even says the word drama she’s craving it and it’s usually right after she mentions how much she hates drama that she begins talking about drama. No girl hates drama no matter how much they try and convince you that they do.
"You do whatever you want…"
Don’t do whatever it is that you’re about to do. Usually a girl will say this in a sharp, bitchy tone when you’re about to go out with some bros, or put on a terrible shirt, or make a bad decision while you’re drunk. This should be taken as a warning that she is going to be very angry about the thing(s) you are about to do.
"You don’t have to tell me your phone pass code…"
Yes you do… at some point. Now, depending on how early she says this in the relationship is directly proportional to how much she trusts you. If she says it within the first month, she does not trust you and if you don’t give it to her, IT WILL EAT AT HER SOUL until she finally figures it out and checks your phone while you sleep. If you’re 6 months or more deep when she says this, just offer it up unless there’s incriminating evidence on your phone (in which case you should flush your phone down the toilet). At some point your significant other will have your pass code. This is the first statement that will indicate she wants it.
"Do you want to split the bill?"
Yes, I do want to split the bill, but does she want to? NO. This is tactic used by the female species to bait the male into paying for the meal. Watch the sour look you get when you say, “Yes, I would like to split the bill.”
"Have fun with your friends…"
She might say this in an extra happy voice which sometimes means that she actually wants you to have a good night away from her, or she might say it with a snarky undertone while avoiding looking at you, which means that she wants you to have a TERRIBLE night. This one is completely dependent on her tone and the group of friends you’re choosing to hang with and whether or not you’re blowing off plans you already made with her.
"I’m okay with that…"
This statement is an attempt to convince herself that she’s actually okay with what you’re doing/trying to do. Think about the thing that she’s allegedly giving you permission to do. Okay, now put yourself in her shoes and see if you’d be okay with that same thing. For example if you’re going on a trip and you inform her that your ex is going to be in the same group of friends on this trip and she says, “I’m okay with that.” Take a step back and say to yourself, “If she was going on a trip and her ex was going to be there would I be okay with that?” If you answer no but you do the thing that she’s supposedly okay with, don’t be surprised when she hates you for the next few days/lifetime.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who thinks that white girl wasted is just another way of saying ‘drunk enough to cry about a broken cigarette.’ You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.