I’d love to sit here and say I don’t judge people before getting to know them, but that would be a lie. My standard M.O. is to make outlandish assumptions about people before they even open their mouths. I’d love to say I’m sorry about this, but once again, that would be a lie.
Am I a bitch because of this? I don’t really think so. I think this makes me human. I’m sure one of you will comment calling me a superficial whore. I look forward to this, mostly because I know your Facebook picture will undoubtedly be you smoking a vape pen like the stone-cold-fox you are!
What am I judging exactly? Well of course your clothing, body language, and overall hygiene, but given the location that this article takes place in (a bar) I’m also judging you based on what you’re drinking. I’m not the only female who does this and because I’m a preacher of higher knowledge, I’m going to throw you all a solid bone here and let you know what the fairer sex thinks based on what you’re pouring down your gullet.
Beer (Domestic)
Yes, I specified domestic beer—cry about it. If you’re drinking a PBR, Blue Moon, Budweiser, Yuengling, Coors Light (tastes like water, but whatever) or Miller Lite—I won’t necessarily think you’re an underage college student with shit taste in beer who can’t spend more than 3 dollars on a drink. In my opinion these choices make you a salt-of-the-earth kind of dude. You’re not too complicated, there’s a good chance you own a pair of work boots (or at least know how to assemble furniture from Ikea—WITHOUT THE DIRECTION PAMPHLET) and you’re generally just easy-going. However, if you have a Busch (light or otherwise), Natural Ice, or Keystone (light or otherwise) in your hand I will assume you’ve had sexual thoughts about your cousin/and or have actually made out with your cousin, oh and that you’re 15-years-old.
Beer (Imported)
Stella Artois, Guinness, Heineken, Hoegaarden, New Castle, Negra Modelo—there’s a chance you will appear more sophisticated/wordly/classy when consuming one of these. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I never promised to deliver a powerful message with this article—I’m just teaching you the basics of shallowness. These (in my humble opinion) are quality beverages that typically cost a bit more (especially on tap), but are worth it. As a woman, I couldn’t give a shit less how much money you spend on alcohol, but I’d venture to say some chicks are impressed by such things. So perhaps the more expensive the beer in your hand, the more likely a female is to assume you’re successful. I’m not sure how I feel about Corona. If you’re drinking one in the winter I’m going to speculate that you’re super-fucking-weird and into foot-jobs, but if it’s the summertime and there’s lime involved I won’t really think twice about it.
I know nothing about IPA/Craft Beer, so I guess I’ll just assume you’re smarter than me with better taste in alcohol.
Vodka
I’m going to do my best to not be clouded by own bias with this one (vodka is fucking disgusting and unless your name is Vladimir Lenin why the fuck are you drinking it?) So, uh, about vodka—if you order a vodka redbull this means you’re reckless/enjoy partying/don’t care about any of your vital organs. If you are drinking a vodka martini you enjoy corporal punishment. Alright, I’m definitely letting my bias creep in here. Let me try harder. Alright, I think vodka is a standard beverage that doesn’t really allude to your personality in any way (can’t that be said for all alcohol? Shut up….that’s the whole point of this article.) If you’re drinking Smirnoff, I will undoubtedly think you’re underage—Stoli, Grey Goose, Kettle One—these are all suitable, grown up brands. Vodka is effective in getting drunk quickly, which I assume you want to do because you work hard and enjoy blowing off some steam. See? I can be nice.
Whiskey
I think a lot of men drink whiskey because they think that’s what women want to see. Let me be clear, drinking whiskey doesn’t make you more masculine. My grandmother can throw back more whiskey than any Bro reading this and her favorite pastime is watching QVC. Whiskey however, is both classic and timeless. It’s about flavor. It’s meant to be enjoyed, not chugged (if you’re chugging whiskey, I’m going to assume your wife/girlfriend left you and you only eat frozen dinners). Ordering a whiskey on the rocks/neat gives off an air of maturity/capability. Don Draper comes to mind. Women love Don Draper. Hell, men love Don Draper. So when choosing a beverage…maybe just ask yourself WWDDD (what would Don Draper drink?)
P.S Jack and Gingerale doesn’t count
Wine
ANYONE who drinks wine at a bar (that ISN’T A WINE BAR) seems a bit off to me—this includes women. I suppose if the bar is more upscale it makes sense, but if it’s just your standard bar, why even entertain the idea of putting shitty fermented grapes in your dome-hole?
Rum
Captain Morgan seems to be a popular Bro drink. I can dig it. However, if you’re drinking a Piña Colada and you’re not on spring break in Cancun, you’re a serial killer. I mean those little umbrellas are totes adorbs, but why? You know what I mean? Just…..why? I also can’t help but think of pirates of when I think of rum and the ladies love pirates (or maybe just Johnny Depp as a pirate), in either event this will always work in your favor.
Honorable mentions:
Scotch: Ron Burgundy
Gin: Do people drink gin (outside of drinking Gin & Tonics)?
Tequila: You’re brave
Moonshine: You’re missing teeth