Welcome to the Drunken Jungle – the perfect place for a true, all-American case study of stunningly beautiful degenerates, whiskey dust lepers and the outcasts of the sexual downtrodden. Within these dazed and confused walls the riff-raff of a fully erect society assembles to sling and slurp the remnants of bullshit from salted glasses and beer bottles in a desperate attempt to give each other the proverbial swift dickin’ before the night comes to an end.
What is most interesting about human nature looking for love in the neon trough of the uncircumcised boozehound is that sleeping with an inebriated class of weekend circus animals seems to have become less of a sideshow novelty and more of a pornographic art form that is firmly tucked inside the horny thunderdome of our breeder generation. In short, it is painfully obvious that the majority of us live to drink large quantities of alcohol and screw each other’s brains out…preferably in that order.
It’s not shocking that throughout the years, the whole scandalous scene has become one rampant, cutthroat madhouse. Incidentally, the whole checkered affair typically begins with a few stiff drinks and some cheesy one-liners, and then ends with either two people sharing sex organs and a hangover, or an extremely depressing one armed tugging & juggling act along with a violent case of the beer squirts.
Without a doubt, the sometimes sad and slutty outcome of our booze-fueled mating rituals serves to define us as the immoral swine of the commercially acceptable underground. W are, without a doubt, a gluttonous sleaze trapeze full of well dressed hooligans and high-heeled floozies scouring all of the neighborhood watering holes, with a pulse over 120, searching for a fantastic opportunity to make some really poor decisions.
Of course, these black and bruised choices of ours are not supernatural; there is no personality that exists inside the bottle that doesn’t already feverishly dry hump the cages of our inhibitions, impatiently waiting for us to get all gussied up and put our clown shoes on. The truth is, we are built for what gets us off - our fetishes, the animals we like to screw, right down to all the godforsaken hell that we raise. The reality is, we do not always need booze as an excuse for our drunken indiscretions.
However, under the influence is truly when some of the most honest and debaucherous traits of our wild-eyed genetic coil dance the most evil and ultimately, it is then that our most primitive dispositions reveal the complexities of our prudish and lunatic ways. Some even say an individual’s personality is worn on the labels of their drink of choice. In fact, some of the most prominent bartenders and mixologists in the business today believe that the type of alcoholic beverage a person consumes actually provides a shockingly accurate glimpse into their personality – for better or worse.
Needless to say, the concept of profiling women based solely on their alcohol consumption got our twisted little brains to thinking about what other relevant information we could gather centered around what a chick orders at the bar. And while we admit that it would be a rather impressive parlor trick to predict what kind of music a girl listens to, or what type of film makes her cry based strictly on the kind of booze she is sipping on, our mad science minds are more interested in utilizing this alcoholic voodoo for the greater good of mankind. You know, by using it to prophesize how she likes to get down in the bedroom. After all, there will always be time to talk about menial things like music and movies… after the sex.
Therefore, based on some semi-extensive research that may or may not have actually been conducted by a qualified research professional, here are five beverages and what they say about the sexual prowess of the women that drink them.
Wine – White vs. Red
Women that indulge in a glass or two of Chardonnay while at the bar are more interested in being revered as charming socialites than they are with satisfying any level of a sexual appetite. Unfortunately, while these types of women come across as vibrant pieces of class, they aren’t worth a damn in bed, mostly because the majority of the sexual animal that lives inside of them is still trying to fulfill a teenage fruit fantasy derived from watching ‘9 ½ Weeks’ back in high school.
Red wine drinkers, however, especially those that do not necessarily give two flying shits if they are drinking Merlot or not, want to give off the appearance of class, but by the end of the evening, they really just want to get dirty in the bedroom. The only problem is - women that drink red wine have a tendency to talk a lot – especially, during sex. Therefore, while there is a distinct possibility that your merlot maiden will be all juiced up and ready to reinvent the Kama Sutra, you may want to consider gagging her first.
Tequila - Margarita
Tequila coursing through the veins will transform even the most conservative beauty into one of the senoritas of sleaze. In the bedroom, this will certainly benefit the man that has been somewhat apprehensive in the past about asking his special lady for those specific get-me-off goodies to be added to their sexual repertoire, which under a more sober tongue is considered “unspeakable.”
Whiskey – Straight or Mixed With Anything
Any woman that makes her way sucking on shots of whiskey with the boys down at the local tavern should be considered a raging liability and ought to come with a warning label. The majority of these sadistic sirens come equipped with loud mouths and a felonious temperament that carries enough weight to ruin the lives of all that dare get too close.
However, a self-destructive regimen of grain alcohol often translates well in between the sheets – that is if you like it rough. Rolling around naked with a whiskey woman can sometimes be as fierce as say, trying to mount a hungry and rambunctious wild animal with razor sharp claws in the foothills of Kentucky. And while bestiality is ill advised and illegal in most states, there is a part of us that believes that such an unsavory act would still be safer than messing with a dysfunctional female on a self-loathing whiskey bender. Nevertheless, if that isn’t a deterrent, we say go for it. Prepare to pull hair, throw violent haymakers and be berated afterwards for having a small penis and no Harley Davidson.
Where the women are drinking beer there is nothing to fear. Seriously, walking into your favorite drinking establishment to find a bunch of chicks knocking back a few cold ones is usually a good sign that you are in the presence of social drinkers that may have their shit at least somewhat together. Not that it matters on the short-term, but with beer drinking women, there is seldom any drama or random crying outburst to make you hate yourself extensively for spending time with them.
Beer on the breath of babes says to a man: I like to be buzzed and have a good time, and while I may be interested in seeing more of you in the future, I’m perfectly content with you pinning my legs behind my ears and jack hammering any trace of my last boyfriend violently out of my body.
Vodka - Cosmopolitans
There are a few important elements to keep in mind when going after a Cosmo girl. First, not only are these upper-class vodka lushes high maintenance, blackout partiers, but they drink in packs. And there is almost always an alpha beast somewhere in the mix that must stamp some sort of sexual seal of approval on any man that dares attempt to pick up on her friends.
Unfortunately, the only way to get close to a Cosmo girl is to have a solid wingman in place to take that cock-blocking mother wench out of the equation. And not just any hairy back bastard is going to be able to bring the level of magic you need – that son of a bitch should either look like the latest poster child of the California pretty boy or make a living as a certified slut charmer. Even if you have to pay some beach dwelling douche bag to run interference, it will be well worth it because women that drink cosmopolitans are some of the most entertaining sexual conquests known to man. That’s because no matter how drunk these girls get, they always do their best to stay glamorous throughout the entire sleazy affair, with their perfect bodies, spray on tans and Hollywood fuck faces. These chicks are often as narcissistic in the sack as they are in every other aspect of life, so for best results, be sure to pay compliments to her Louis Vuitton python pointed pumps and her $10,000 rack.
However, don’t be too intimidated. After all, a cosmopolitan is really just overpriced vodka with a splash of cranberry. Hell, even a wino looks good sucking down Mad Dog 20/20 from a cocktail glass.
In the immortal words of Sebastian Bach – Park Avenue leads to Skid Row.
[Chick drinking image via ShutterStock]