Life
by Aimee Porter on June 10, 2014

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A few weeks ago, a chick put a gun in her cooch, and I decided to write about the weird things girls have stuck up their vaginas.

Now, apparently, men would like to have their turn. Last month, a man named Lonnie Hutton tried to have sex first with an ATM, then a picnic table. I cannot imagine that would have been comfortable/sexually pleasing, but maybe I just don’t know what it’s like to have a penis.

In any event, a picnic table and an ATM have to be two of the craziest objects that have ever been the recipients of an attempted fucking, right?

…maybe. I did some research, and it’s a sick, sick world out there. Here are some of the weirdest things men have ever tried to have sex with.

Another table

Yeah, that Hutton guy isn’t the only one to stick his dick in a table somehow. Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio, was videotaped by his neighbor having sex with his picnic table FOUR TIMES. (Apparently it had a hole in the middle where you’re supposed to stick an umbrella… I STILL feel like that would lead to a whole lot of shaft chafing.)

A couch

Giving new meaning to roadside assistance, Gerard Streator got caught fucking a couch that had been discarded on the side of the road in Wisconsin. I’m willing to give our sofa seducer a little leeway in that I’m pretty sure all guys have rubbed their dicks in between couch cushions at one point in time… but then I will take that leeway right back from Gerard because the other guys presumably knew their couches’ histories.

Dude, you don’t even know where that couch has been. Hope you wore a rubber.

A door

Another one I don’t even know how it’s possible. Apparently, when the door of a business in Florida was locked, Anthony Bruce  Berry whipped his dick out and fucked it.

If you force your way through a door with your dick, is it rape or breaking and entering?

Cars

I’ve had sex in cars; however, I have never had sex with cars.

The same cannot be said of many, many, MANY men, though. An episode of TLC’s “My Strange Addiction” followed a guy named Nathaniel who had a sexual relationship with his car. A guy who–incredibly–goes by the nickname “Hotcock” got caught fucking a Land Rover. Then there’s Edward Smith of Washington state, who claims to have had sex with more than 1,000 cars.

But perhaps the piece de resistance is Callum Ward, who tried to fuck an ambulance. Who could the ambulance call in this emergency?

Bikes

A guy in Sweden was caught on camera slashing bicycle tires and fucking their insides.

I mean… 10 points for creativity? Can’t say I’d ever thought of that one.

But seriously, I’m getting to the point in this piece where I’m like, “Whatever happened to masturbating to porn in the privacy of your own home?” Sigh.

Street signs

Verle Peter Dills, whose name I think we can all agree just sounds like that of a sexual deviant, is a man who loves fucking street signs.

But which street signs, I wonder? “Do Not Enter,” “Yield”… even “Stop”? I suppose if he got it on with a “Speed Hump” sign, we’d all have to concede the point on that one.

Oh man… just… wow with all of this. Wow. As you go on about your lives, you should consider this piece as a cautionary tale. Seems to me that it would be a lot less effort (and a lot less bail money) to just get the confidence to talk to a girl and see if she’d be into getting it on.

So, next time you’re thinking of fucking an inanimate object, stop, think, and try that instead.

Seriously… “STOP.”

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Aimee Porter

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