Life
by J. Camm on February 20, 2014

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Where the hell has Ask a Bro been? Valid question. As you may have noticed, the last month was ROUGH. Our site’s instability over late January and early February inspired some of you to call it “CrashBible,” which, I suppose, is a vast improvement to those who used to lovingly quip that it should be named “FagBible” every time we posted something that didn’t agree with their Internet content palette. Anyway, our team of tech wizards have given us the metaphorical green light and said, “do your best to crash the site.” So it’s business as usual and “business as usual” means I’ll be Ask-a-Bro’n my dick off.

That said, we still have some glitches to work through on our site so submit your Ask a Bro questions to Jason@BroBible.com with the ASK A BRO in the subject line. You will remain anonymous.

LET’S GO!!!

Q: My husband and I have been married for 4 years, together for 8. We have sex 5 to 6 times a week, if he didn’t travel for work it would be more. We do multiple positions and use toys when the mood strikes us. The other night I got pretty drunk and asked him for anal, it just felt right at the time, however; he finished before we could get there (prep is key with anal). Since then he’s been asking for it. I don’t know what it is but I don’t feel like it now. I think it was the heat of the moment, but now I just can’t. I know it’s not fair but is there a “just as good” option for men that I could try?

A: I think what you’re asking me is if there is something just as good for a guy as anal, but at the same time is not anal. Fascinating question. One that I will answer with a question of my own: Do you think you can an figure out a way to make your vagina or mouth simulate the feel of an asshole? If not, then I’m stumped. And not much stumps me. But what other options could there possibly be?

Wait.

I have an idea.

It’s close to the worst idea my brain’s ever birthed, but it’s an idea nonetheless, and it’s so epically shitty it just might work.

If he’s really pressing you about getting in some anal, and getting it now, you could buy an asshole fleshlight (a friend told me they exist) and shove it up your front end — not sure if that’s a safe endeavor — and he can go fuckin’ bananas on that fake asshole you’ve got inserted into your vagina. BOOM! Fun for everyone!

Yeah, that was as bad as advertised.

You should probably just wait until you get sloshed enough to actually want anal again.

Q: Alright, so I got a friend, kid’s a bro, lets start with that. Now there are certain things all bros do: hair, girls, booze, the classics. The question is, when do these things all become ridiculously over done? This kids one of those guys who is constantly calling everyone bros, making sure everyone knows how much he drank, and is always worried about making sure he fits in. Maybe its just me, but there must be a line where acting like a bro just becomes… not bro.

A: God bless America. Your buddy sounds annoying…

There are certain phases that just about every guy goes through in life — points in his journey when being an insufferable braggart is sort of healthy.

High School: Life as an adult (kind of) begins. You’re judged a little harsher for your actions. You learn to drink. You start experimenting sexually, with more than just your sister’s bottle of Herbal Essences condish. You begin finger poppin’ babes and getting blowers in mommy and daddy’s finished basement. If your lucky you might fuck a girl or two. These new experiences are meant to be shared with your friends. And they should be, because you will all learn more from your collective experiences than if everyone bottles them up. That goes for both drinking and sex. If Joe gets his fingers bloody from a rigorous hand sesh with Beccaaaaaa, everyone else needs to know that. It’s crucial information for the next time they’re about to go wrist deep in a girl on their parent’s light-colored sofa.

College: A hearty congratulations are in order because you’ve finally figured out how to touch a girl’s junk in a way that doesn’t make her consider abstinence. By now you should also know you don’t need to share every gross detail of your sex and drinking life with others. Hopefully, you’ve realized that everyone drinks, everyone fucks and you’re not that impressive. But some people aren’t that far along on their development. So they’ll still brag about how many shots they put back last Friday and spread half-truths about how Maggie’s box smells like an embalmed corpse. (Poor, stinky Maggie.)

Life Immediately After College: You know everything. Or at least you think do. Your father has said something to you along the lines of “you’re an adult now” so you take that to be a fact. That’s not always the case. For some it is, sure, but others leave college and actually regress. Many people are still very much out of control and boastful about it. Sometimes it’s still acceptable to share every sordid detail of your every sordid action, but most of the time it’s not.

Life After 30: Sucks. Stay in college. Never age.

Sorry. That wasn’t the point.

Anyway…

I’m guessing you’re still in college. Stupidity runs rampant in college. Guys will have unprotected sex with a random girl and then think they have HIV for six months without ever getting tested. In spite of all the news that comes out and all the trouble people have landed in at other colleges, someone will still attend a party dressed head-to-toe in stereotypical Mexican garb, with their face painted brown, and wearing a sign around their neck that says something about their ability to manicure to a lawn. And if their brain is REALLY underdeveloped, they may even try to drink alcohol through their asshole. THEIR ASSHOLE!

Most of the time people do these things to fit in. Your friend is probably fraught with insecurity; clinging to fitting in because maybe he sees “being cool” as a fleeting moment. So he brags about everything he does to maintain his social status. Or maybe he thinks being God’s gift to drinking booze is all he’s got going for him.

For your sake, I hope his tales are at least entertaining.

Q: This is not a question, but an observation.

Can all of you assholes submitting questions stop referring to your girlfriend, fuckbuddy, significant other as “SOLID 10s”? NONE of you are fucking a 10. None of you are even fucking a 9. Shit, I would be surprised if any of you even pull 8s.

Understand the scale. A 10 is perfection. She has the mona lisa of tits, the ass of a million moons, and a face between Jessica Alba and Margot Robbie. A 10 is PERFECT. If you had a 10, you wouldn’t ask questions of how to “keep fucking her but pound other bitches”, you would be asking “HOW DO I ASK THIS GIRL TO MARRY ME RIGHT NOW”

And even an 8. An 8 is rare. To give you some idea of an 8, think Elistha Cuthbert. A girl you would pay to have sex with is an 8. She’s the hottest girl at your local club every night. 

So please gents, stop referring to your women as perfection. They are far from it. You’re fucking a 6.5 or 7 at best.

Slay on.

A: Who do you think you are, swooping in here, just spouting off about this and that and telling people how to go about their lives like this is some kind of advice column? You’ve got a lot of fuckin’ nerve, pal.

You don’t just walk into another Man’s house like you own the joint, throw your feet up on his coffee table, and tell his wife she can either beer you or blow you. You just don’t do that, regardless of how awesome such an activity might sound.

However, I do agree that not every girl is a 10 and most aren’t even an 8, but if someone found his 10 or his 8, let him have it. Don’t cut a guy at the knees for seeing something you don’t.

Q: So….I sit on a Board of Advisors  at a University and I’ve been getting the puppy dog eyes and no end of excuses to meet after events…and the random I need your help calls – the question is do I or not? Here’s the catch, she’s on of the leaders of the group I am an advisor to…and I’m twice her age. 

Thanks, 

T

A: T-DOG! My man. You seductive son of a bitch; started a fire in some chick’s pants and now you want my blessing to extinguish it. I’m honored. So #blessed, really.

Answer these 5 questions:

Are you married?

Is she over 18 years of age?

Do you really care that she’s a group leader?

Are you plagued by premature ejaculation?

Do you embarrass easily?

If you answered those NO, YES, NO, NO, YES, or  even NO, YES, NO, YES, NO — then I say you do it. Nothing to loose. Full steam ahead. CHOOO CHOOO!

Warning: Putting your peen in anyone is a risk, it could end badly, and I assume no responsibility for bastard children, genital abnormalities, or lawsuits that may be acquired post-peen insertion. Pass on and may God have mercy on your soul. 

Q: If having both of your balls crushed by a pregnant, African elephant; would give you the ability to bench press 1,000 pounds and fart silently for the rest of your life…would you do it?

A: Have you learned nothing of me in the time we’ve spent online together? For one, these days I lift for beauty and basic life function, not to throw heavy weight around. So I have zero interest in the whole 1000-pound thing. Secondly, silencing my farts wouldn’t solve any of the problems my wife has with my flatulence. If you could take the stank away, then we’d be talking! Although I’m not sure I’d be able to go through with it, because I’m sentimental. That stench has been with me since birth, only a monster could turn its back on a lifelong friend like that.

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