Q. Bro, what are your thoughts on rocking the GoPro during sex? I've been contemplating its uses above and beyond being extreme but wanted your opinion on GoPro in the sack. I'm single (and love it) so it's not the “talk to her about it” scenario — more of a “Go or no GoPro” after convincing chosen lady to go home with me. Please share your thoughts and a few winning and/or losing scenarios when wearing nothing but the Go Pro during intercourse.
A. For a second, I was going to argue that sex was the primary reason GoPro cameras were invented. Low budget, POV pornographers have been pining for a wearable camera for years (mere assumption based on the amount of porn I've watched) and it seems like a GoPro would satisfy that need. But then I thought about it (visualized myself having sex, really) and if you’ve got it strapped to your head, I don’t think you’ll care for the finished product. AT ALL.
We can all agree that a GoPro works the best if someone’s head isn’t moving around a lot and the audience can focus in on the terrain ahead, skiing, skydiving, surfing, or riding a motorcycle provide this type of experience. Sex, on the other hand, isn’t the vehicle for that. Kissing, eating box, and various sex positions are not conducive to GoPro usage.
No one wants to re-watch their homemade sex tape only to see close-ups of forehead, belly button, or clavicle — if you do exorbitant amounts of nipple sucking. But even if you avoid kissing, ditch diving, and teet suckling, sex still might not make for a great GoPro video. For instance, when she’s riding you reverse cowgirl, you’re going to have practically tuck your chin into your own chest just so the camera captures the magic that is her wet snatch making all sorts of haste with the base of your shaft. So you say, “Big deal, I’ll skip reverse cowgirl, it looks better in porn than it feels anyway.” (I totally agree with that. Great observation.) But even missionary would be tough to capture. There’s just too much random movement and you have no idea what the camera is actually catching. Honestly, regardless of the position you chose, if you’ve got a GoPro on your head and you’re clobbering with any kind of enthusiasm, watching the finished product could be fatal for people with epilepsy.
When it comes to sex tapes, using a handheld is the way to go because you can make sure the fucking thing will be watchable. Provided that's your goal. For all I know you’ve got a seizure-prone spouse and you’re looking to commit the perfect crime. In that case, it’s GoPro all the way, baby!
Q. Back in October, I lost my virginity to this girl that was pretty chill and decently attractive. Pretty much two weeks after I ended things out of boredom with her, she started hooking up with a really good friend of mine, which I'm not upset about because, like I said, I was bored with her. I just recently found out she blew my best friend over winter break. My question is, should I feel like I made a really dumb choice in losing the v-card to this girl that turned into a raging whore?
A. I lost my virginity to my high school girlfriend. Of course, I’ll always remember her (and that 45 seconds), but as far as I’m concerned, any girl you don’t wind up marrying is just a number in the end. She was #1, and at this juncture in her life – based on the effeminate guy she’s about to marry — she should feel honored she got me early…and a little depressed that she peaked so young.
That said, I wouldn’t care any more, or less, if I lost it to some piece of trash in a one-night stand.
If you’re the kind of guy that plans on sleeping with less than 10 girls his entire life then, yeah, maybe you should be kicking yourself because it wasn’t “meaningful.” However, if you’re into the idea of hitting 100 sexual partners in the unsafest of ways possible (half of which whose names you’ll forget), then it’s kind of a fitting way to kick things off, don’t you think?
Q. I was watching Eddie Murphy's “Raw” standup, and now I'm contemplating this situation in my head: if you were a multi-millionaire, and your wife decided to divorce you, would you rather give her half (assuming you didn't sign the pre-nup), or have her cut your dick off and not give her half?
A. What an odd, fantasyland scenario. But I see what you’re getting at: As an act of defiance, you cut off your own dick just so that stupid twat suffers and is poor. A bold move, FOR SURE, but any dude willing to make that sacrifice is missing a buttload of chromos and the whole point of divorce.
Everyone’s favorite part about divorce, aside from the psychological damage it does to the children, is being free to cast your dick into the water again. What good is being a single, highly sought after millionaire if nuts can no longer be busted? I’d rather she take half my fortune, never see her again, and put all my eggs in the I’m-going-to-make-more-money-and-get-my-fuck-on-with-barley-legal-chicks-while-I’m-at-it basket.
Q. Me and my girlfriend broke up a couple weeks ago after dating for a while, now she’s whoring it up and putting everything on Facebook. I don't feel like seeing her posting a million pictures of her with guys. So is it OK to delete her even if we said we would still try to be “friends”?
A. With the privacy features on Facebook today, I’m fairly certain you can finagle it in such a way that you never have to see her updates in your personal river without actually going to her page and browsing it yourself. So if you’re really concerned about keeping her as a friend, that’s one way to do it. The only thing that makes that particular solution ineffective is your need to constantly go to her page and check in on her.
Based entirely on how you posed this question, I’m going to guess that she was the one who broke it off with you. Let’s face it: if you dumped her for greener pastures, you wouldn’t care. You’d be tearing it up yourself and thrilled that she’s trying to move on rather than spending her nights dialing into the suicide hotline. But if this breakup wasn’t your choice, I could see how you’d want to keep tabs on what she’s doing. Rejection makes the heart grow fonder and the brain much more irrational.
The point is, if you can’t keep yourself from lurking on her profile, you’ve got to unfriend her. It makes a statement that you’ve go no fucks left to give — even if you have plenty. It also forces you to not be able to stalk her profile or worry what you might see. And that will allow you to move on, which if for the best.
One last thing to remember is that nothing paints a more untrue picture than Facebook. All the shit you're seeing could just be an act. A facade. She may not be whoring it up at all, she might be posting all those photos or commenting on guy’s walls because she knows it’ll burn your ass. You can always do the same and since you’re a guy I know you can do it 100 times better.
Q. So I am a female, and me and my other female friends have always wondered how exactly you guys take a shit. What do you do with your dicks? Do you just let it hang or do you take it as another opportunity to rub one out?
A. Just when I thought I had run out of steam for today…
I hate to disappoint you but no, most men do not crank it mid-shit. When I was a wee lad, I might've wiped my ass and went right into a self-rape while my parents still thought I was shitting, but back then time was at a premium and I was still perfecting my craft. Nowadays, I don’t need to mix business with pleasure. I have plenty of free time to whack it, so I don’t need to do it right before, during, or directly after feces shoots out of me at break-neck speeds.
As for what we do with our dicks, I aim mine towards the bowl because I take a piss at some point during my shit. I assume most other dudes do this as well, but I could be wrong; I really can’t speak for an entire gender. Maybe they rest theirs on the seat and just let it bask in the moment. But I’d say the majority just toss it in the bowl and play with their iPhone.
While I have you here, I’ve always wondered how you take shits too. Unlike us, you broads piss from another orifice, so crapping is really a prime time to do a little multi-tasking by way of jamming half a fist inside yourself, no? Maybe milk your saggers out of boredom while you’re at it?