Life
by Justin Gawel on January 15, 2014

For the Uncreative: This game is about confidence and bulk. Not pride in being fat, mind you; everyone knows that’s only grief and despair manifesting as complacency through a coping mechanism.

Confidence and bulk here is about your wardrobe choices. Opting for a baggier, hulking outfit will yield more room to stash your delicious drinkable friends. Loose, ill-fitting jeans are awesome for stashing airplane shots and acquiring street cred. High socks and hoodies smuggle flasks and liquor-filled water bottles insanely well. Finally, poofy jackets can hide basically anything, like if you have a Fabergé egg or stolen baby to hide alongside your alcohol.

For the Secretive: You set up a treasure trove of alcoholic delights somewhere on the premises so you can continually rendezvous back and indulge. Distanced from the supply, it tough to be traced back to you should a surly bouncer inquire about a fifth stashed under a pile of coats.

Granted, being apart from your product leaves you susceptible to others people pilfering your party juice, however, you can remedy that hazard with an optimal hiding spot. So seek out that out-of-order vending machine bank, that unused extra room, or that disgusting bathroom stall at the funeral home and enjoy your methodical, furtive boozing retreats.

For the Prepared: You’ve schemed, pondered, and possibly even invested into taking your alcohol infatuation on the road. Proudly, you can repurpose nearly any item into a binge drinking apparatus in a matter of minutes. You fill squirt guns with gin to take into the pool. You’ll carry a CamelBak filled with vodka and RedBull to your class in the arboretum. You’ll MacGyver some Ziploc freezer bags, a fanny pack, and plastic tubing into a portable bar. It's impressive what kind of results can come from such a dedication to drunkenness.

For the Courageous: It’s the play where you pretend that this is just another unremarkable, normal day and that you’re just in the park, at the gym, or at Arby’s sipping on a mild-mannered Gatorade, not a Gatorade bottle full of orange Four Loko. The key is finding that specific wine, cocktail, or sugar-infused malt liquor that resembles a harmless juice when it’s inside your canteen or water bottle. Be sure you’ve got a sealable top to limit any smell. Sure, the reused can is tempting, and who doesn’t love emulating Always Sunny, but a whiff from a stiff cocktail like that is a dead giveaway. Show confidence, give people no reason to suspect you, and no longer will you have to sober up during your three hours of class on Thursday morning. Now, with your water bottle full of Kool-Aid and whiskey, you can effectively bridge your boozy euphoria from Wednesday night into a full, weekend-long bender.

For the Perpetually Binging: The simplest answer to sneaking alcohol anywhere is to conceal said liquid fun within your stomach and bloodstream. It’s by far the most versatile approach, as it doesn’t rely on clothing, innovation, or courage. All this tactic requires is setting aside enough time before to thoroughly pregame. So down the rest of that fifth before the football game. Kill the case before heading to the party. Suck down that half bag of wine before you go to your kid brother’s choir concert.

Justin Gawel is an adult baby from Michigan whose articles appear on BroBible most Thursdays. Look for more of his writing, his BroBible.com archive, and his updates at www.justingawel.com or follow him @justingawel on Twitter.

[Man adding alcohol image via Shutterstock]