For the first time since Colorado and Washington voted to legalize weed, Obama has spoken on the issue. He claims that he will not make going after people in those states a “top priority.” However, while things on the legalization front seem to be moving in the right direction, even though slowly; it’s still illegal in most places. So, now is a good time to look at the top ten ways to smuggle those drugs we still can’t have into our wonderfully free country.
Numero Uno – Walking across the Rio Grande
We all know, lots of drugs enter the country through Mexico. Why people pay for Mexican weed, when they can grow it themselves in their closet is a different story. Anyway, the most basic way to get weed (or other drugs) into the US is to simply walk right in with the bag(s) in your pocket. Last I heard, there were around eleven million illegal immigrants in the country. I don’t know how they got that number, because if they know where they all are, what are they still doing here? Regardless, if even half those people brought some weed with them, well, that would be a shit ton of weed.
Number Two – Evil Knievel It
Maybe you don’t want to walk. Maybe you’re just a lazy fuck. Too lazy to even go around the fence, you want to get through right then and there. Well in that case, build a ramp, and jump your car off it, going over the fence. Yes, this has really happened before.
Number Three – Swallowing It
Every time I hear about one of these stories, it seems to be about a woman. We should all take note, because once they get out of jail, we’ll know for a fact that she’s a swallower. These chicks swallow a lot too. Just this year, a Nigerian woman was caught at Dulles International with nearly five pounds of heroin in her stomach. That’s a world record! Equally impressive, and also happening this year, is the woman who swallowed fifty-one heroin filled condoms. Kudos to these two for their swallowing prowess, and their ability to keep it all down.
Number Four – Shipping It
Yup, that’s right. Need some weed? Then FedEx it. Throw a couple pounds in a vacuum sealed bag, put the bag in a box and bring it over to Kinkos. I know that I’ve smoked some weed that has traveled in this manner. Whether I believed it was really Thai Stick, direct from Thailand? That I can’t say. It definitely did get delivered by some oblivious guys in uniform though.
Number Five – Carrier Pigeons
Most of the things on this list have to do with the Mexican Cartels, and this is just one of the many. There are fucking birds everywhere, so this is a pretty damn foolproof plan. The only way this won’t work, is if your bird grows a mind of its own and steals your shit for itself. Even birds aren’t dumb enough to steal from those crazy Mexican Cartels. It’s not like the government is going to spend its time chasing birds transporting birds through the sky. They can’t even stop all the people walking over.
Number Six – Boats
The Cartels aren’t the only ones to use boats, but they’re definitely the ones who have perfected it. Instead of simply piloting a boat right up to a Southern state, or giving some Cubans on a floating door their stash, the Cartels utilize fishermen. Fishermen from the US go out deep into the sea every day, so the Coast Guard doesn’t think twice when they see all those boats leaving or coming back, as long as the boat is registered. What the Coast Guard doesn’t account for, is the drug running boats that meet those fishermen when they’re out in international waters. Then they return, with cargos full of fish and fish scale.
Number Seven – Planes/Parachutes
Just like in Blow you can get a private plane and make a real quick border hop when smuggling through an airport doesn’t work for you. The problem in real life though, is the FAA can track planes. If you come from outside of the US border and land here, you might get away with it a few times. Eventually though, there will be federal agents waiting for you when you land. How to work around that? Just don’t land. Nobody is going to scramble a bunch of F-16’s because you flew into airspace you weren’t cleared for, and if you never land, the federal agents can’t catch you on the ground. So, just jump out of the plane, and have a buddy pick you up when you land. The best part? You don’t have to wait around at baggage claim.
Number Eight – Submarines
This is something that’s got to be unique to the Cartels. They get their James Cameron on, and go deep sea diving. If you thought the money those guys get from all these drugs was overblown, think again. They don’t just have one submarine, they probably have a whole damn fleet. K-19 the Widow Bringer.
Number Nine – Underground Tunnels
We’ve all seen Shawshank Redemption. If you haven’t, go fucking see it, now. It took Andy Dufresne twenty years to dig himself that little tunnel. Yes, he only had the rock hammer, he could only work at night and he was only one man. That was a real short tunnel though, and it’s not like the Cartels don’t have their own obstacles. Yet they’ve built extensive underground tunnel systems under the border. They’re all over the place too. Every few months it seems the DEA is finding some new tunnel. Let’s just say, the Cartels are some determined mother fuckers.
Number Ten – Cannons
This is my personal favorite. Back in the day, smugglers used catapults to throw drugs over the fence and across the border. Now, they’re getting fancy, with soup cans. Pack a soup can with two pounds of weed, throw it in your pneumatic cannon and voila, across the border your product goes. There it can be picked up by a friend, meaning nobody has to physically cross the border to transport the drugs. If anyone asks why you’re picking up those soup cans? Tell them you’re just cleaning up for the environment.
There you have it, the top ten ways to smuggle drugs into the US. By the way, if you get caught doing any of this, you didn’t get the idea from me.