Throw a Party…At His House
Send invitations to the entire neighborhood on his behalf. Invite EVERYONE (save for those people you know he is good friends with). In the invitation mention that there is no need to RSVP. Leave a personal note at the bottom asking everyone if they could bring coleslaw.
Throw a Party…At Your House
Invite everyone but him. Make sure to be loud enough for them to call the cops. Like glass shattering decibel levels of EDM. When they come over with the officers say, “Jesus, Jack. First you don't RSVP and now you're calling the cops on party you were invited to! What gives, man?” That will make him feel like a real pile.
Do Unsavory Things to His AC Unit
If you live in a neighborhood and your neighbors AC unit is on the ground, fill a gallon jug with your piss, let it sit in the sun for a few days so it really marinates, then, when he leaves for the day, pour it onto his AC unit. All that rancid urine will soak into his filters and his house will end up smelling like a truck stop port-a-john.
Moth Balls
This one only works for city living, unless you want to do some minor breaking and entering. Having gone through this before, we can attest that Moth Balls are the single hardest smell to get rid of, especially if you live in a 10×10 box of an apartment. Figure out how to get the smell in their apartment and they'll spend the next 3 months figuring out how to get it out.
Buy a Musical Instrument
The walls in most apartment buildings are not soundproof. Most buildings, however, allow pianos and guitars to be practiced until 9pm at night, and when you have musical talent everyone should experience your “gift” to it's fullest. Even if it is through dry-wall. So wail away, Bro
Wind Chimes…Lot of Them
If you actually like wind chimes you probably communicate primarily through sign-language.
Request House-Calls On Their Behalf
This one is more thoughtful than anything, really. Call religious groups, life insurance salesmen, or other people selling something no one wants and tell them you'd like an at home, in-person meeting to hear more about their service/cult.
Buy a Dog
Dogs are a Bro's best pal. Everyone loves dogs. But dogs also bark and defecate without relent. Whether you live in the suburbs or a high-rise, one of those two attributes will definitely allow you to piss your neighbor off substantially.
In celebration of Beef Thursdays “We've Got Beef, Bro” is a weekly column dedicated to everything we're currently hating at BroBible. Please air your beefs at #BeefThursdays to help us pick the next topic to put in our crosshairs. If you've got beefs, we need to know.
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