It’s been a little less than a week since Sandy smacked the Northeast leaving most residents, myself included, without power. If you’re reading this -- you might be one of the lucky ones who didn’t get shit on by Sandy and hopefully those who were affected get help ASAP. Thousands who have lost power have been resorting to generators, bars, or anywhere they can find a working outlet to get through this debacle.
Today, no power means a world without charged iPhones and laptops which also means we are currently stuck in an open-ended menopause. Like most Americans without power, and out of harms way, drinking heavily is the only thing on the To-Do list these days. It’s time to get off your ass and remain intoxicated. Here are 10 things that will occupy your time when you’re drunk with no power:
Play Throwback Games
Invite some girls over and start playing Twister. The guy who invented that game was definitely related to Ron Jeremy and knew how to get down. If Twister doesn’t work, any of these throwback games (that were fun when you were a kid) are even more fun after you’ve had a few beers. These games include: Battleship, Guess Who? Connect 4, Bop It, etc.
Suggestion: Turn them a drinking game. Ex: Every time your ship sinks chug a beer or take a shot!
Have Sex As Much As You Can
Hit up that hot f*ck buddy you had freshman year and start going to pound town. Try and convince her to bring a friend so you can try to have a threesome. With the current power situation we’ve been given -- say the world is coming to an end and having a threesome is the only thing left on your bucket list.
Suggestion: When you’re banging you’re girl, don’t call her by her real name. Call her Sandy instead.
Make a Bonfire
It’s cold out and this is an easy way to warm up. Aside from that, bonfires attract people which quickly turn into a party. Before you know it you will be using books, couches, old clothing and any other random shit you find in your house (firewood is overrated) to keep the fire going.
Suggestion: Keep a fire extinguisher handy and don’t burn off your ball hair.
Fuck With Your Friends
Now is a perfect time to make-up for the worst Halloween we’ve ever had. Scare them, prank them or just piss them off for no reason. If your phone is charged, order some Chinese food to a friend’s house; Chinese food is always open and the delivery guy won’t leave your friends alone until they pay him. What you do shouldn’t be taken too seriously – unless your friends listen to Justin Bieber.
Suggestion: If f*cking with your friends is too easy, try fucking with random people waiting in line for gas. Also try and survive.
DIFTS – Do It For The Story
Everyone loves a good story and the cops are busy with power problems so take full advantage of their absence. I’m not saying go out and be a complete and total asshole but do something you can laugh about the next day. Taking a shit on campus or going streaking is a good start.
Suggestion: Don’t go streaking by yourself.
Talk About Girls You’ve Banged
If you’re not having sex, you mine as well be talking about it. Its self explanatory for Bros to talk about this every time they’re drunk and it will never get old. Try and think of every girl you’ve had sex with and put them in chronological order. This might take a few hours. If you’re done within 5 minutes – stop listening to Justin Bieber.
Suggestion: Play the Eskimo Brothers game with your Bros. If you don’t know what this is, feel free to look it up.
Enhance A Drinking Game
Be a pioneer and enhance a drinking game but make sure it is both fun to play and fun to watch. Recently my Bros and I enhanced the drinking game “Edward 40 Hands” by duct taping 40 ounce beers to both of our hands and kicking the shit out of each other.
• One vs. One
• You can only use your feet
• You cannot kick your opponent in the balls
• Don’t stop drinking until someone falls down
• If you remain standing – you win.
• Loser finishes both beers in his hand
• Winner finishes both beers in his hand
Suggestion: Play this game.
Walk To The Nearest Taco Bell
It’s definitely a good time to think outside the bun! Taco Bell is a great solution to any problem especially when you can’t heat up your own frozen burritos. I don’t have time to list all of the amazing things you can order at T-Bell but go with your drunk munchy instinct.
Suggestion: Make sure you have some toilet paper ready for when you get back. You will have the shits for at least a day.
Play Marry, Fuck, Kill – Sandy Version
The only three female Sandy’s I can think of include:
• Sandy from Grease
• Sandy Cheeks from SpongeBob SquarePants
• Sandy the dog from Annie (thanks dad)
Suggestion: If you think of any others please let us know.
Stay Drunk For An Entire Week
When all else fails, go for the gold! Only two days left.
Things NOT To Do:
Jerking off in a dark room.
Asking your landlord for help.
Going to class.