Life
by John Hickey on June 7, 2013

8. Become a Brewmaster
Craft beer used to be something of a rarity, now it’s a booming enterprise with everybody and their uncle making concoctions in their garage.  If you don’t want to spend summer’s hot afternoons sweating over a barrel of yeast, you could always go somewhere like Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery, where you’re awarded each time you drink a beer at one of their locations. After you’ve had 35 beers (piece of cake) you’re awarded your MBA: Master of Beer Appreciation. This gets you into all sorts of exclusive beer tastings and special events around the city and is a must-do for any Bro this summer.

7. Rebeat a Classic Video Game
Go into your older brother’s room and fish that N64 or Super NES out of the shoebox in his closet. There are only a handful of old school one-player games that stand the test of time and they are as follows: Super Mario Bros 3, Zelda: Ocarina of Time, Perfect Dark, Donkey Kong Country  and Goldeneye. Pack your bubbler with some kush and enjoy the pixelated madness that was your childhood all over again. Also: no using the whistle.

6. Grow a Mustache
Unlike Movember and playoff hockey beards, a nice summer ‘stache will help step your beach game up tremendously. Now I know this won’t kill a large part of your day, but fifteen minutes every morning of greasing that handlebar will pay off dividends in the sand later. The Burt Reynolds look is coming back in a big way.

“You hungry, T? If you want I'll send the kid for Baja Fresh.”

5. Watch The Sopranos
All those hour-long dramas you love on AMC, HBO and FX wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for the success of The Sopranos. Before Walter White and Tyrion Lannister, there was Tony Soprano. If you haven’t yet, do yourself a favor and watch it from start to finish. While the last season was swollen with extra episodes and a little slow at times, the show is about as near to perfection as it gets. If you or a buddy doesn’t have an HBO Go account, you can always pick up old seasons of DVDs at your public library. I know, not very Bro, but if you’re jobless this is the way to do it. (You can also do this with The Wire).

4. Taste the Rainbow
Hopefully while you’re killing time this summer you’re doing it without a girlfriend. Bro law dictates that relationships are for when the weather gets cold and summer is the time to spread your wings. This is the perfect opportunity to step outside your comfort zone and partake in the pleasures of a different woman than you’re used to. That’s right, if you’re Hispanic, get with a black girl. If you’re white, check Asian off your list. If you’re Irish like me, don’t even bother because your eyes are probably blown out from puking up too much Jameson in Wrigleyville from the night before. Remember, this isn’t some sort of fucked-up racist game to play. It’s more of an experiment to help explore different women of different backgrounds and the different kinds of bed sheets they have.

3. Master Bar Games
When you think of a bar game, the two standards that come to mind are pool and darts. Some of the others you run into are: Golden Tee, Pop a Shot, trivia and shuffleboard. The key isn’t to become the best in the bar at one of these, but instead to be competitive at all of them. That way the next time you’re out with a group of buddies and you need a partner for pool you won’t embarrass yourself in front of the slampiece you asked to play with you. Don’t get good enough where you have to be glued to the table all night, mowing down opponents and having little time to chat her up. With enough practice you should be able to hold your own for 2-3 rounds and then graciously admit defeat while moving her over to the bartender for another drink. PS: If anybody has a domed hockey game in their basement there’s no reason to ever leave and go to an actual bar.

2. Trip Down Memory Lane
There’s a 100% chance you’ll spend a majority of your time this summer with the ‘ole YouPorn, PornHub and XVideos tabs open on your browser. Remember back in the day when you had to hustle your ass off for the smut you coveted? I’m talking Victoria’s Secrets catalogs and SI Swimsuit Editions. What’d you use if even those weren’t at your disposal? Your memory. That’s right, if you are looking to spend a few minutes riding the right handed railroad this summer, I challenge you to use only your memories as source material. Just close your eyes and picture your finest lay or your favorite chick and go to town on yourself. It’ll take longer and feel like much more of an accomplishment when you’re finished. Memory Beat, copyright pending.

1. Go Go-Karting
As Dante Hicks from the film Clerks 2 says, “Something about go-karting just centers me.” Seriously when was the last time you went go-karting and when was the last time you didn’t have the best afternoon of your life when you went go-karting? While certain childhood summer activities don’t exactly stand the test of time (anything involving a putter or fucking Frisbee), go-karting provides even more freedom than it did before. While we’re taught to practice defensive driving while operating an automobile, go-karting is the perfect opportunity to exhibit your offensive driving skills. That kart is your missile and those other drivers are your enemies. Take ‘em down.

John Hickey is a Chicago based stand up comedian and writer. Follow him @johnnyjhickey and check out johnhickeycomedy.com.

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