Life
by Chris Illuminati on November 18, 2013

You're incredibly proud of yourself, and you should be, but their are two people even prouder of your steps into adulthood (and it's not your hygenic but perverted former housemates) — it's your parents. Mom and dad love the fact you've got a place of your own to call home, but as proud as they are, they still don't think you can be trusted to live without the help of another human. Until you can trick a woman into thinking you're a suitable life partner, mom and dad are going to have to care for you and your new place.

You don’t want this to happen BUT you can’t come right out and say it.

If mom and dad start taking care of things around your place, it gives them the idea it's kind of their place, and this is bad news for your new, independant life. You've got to take certain steps to ensure mom and dad don't become pseudo-roommies in your new place.

Here are five steps to take to make sure mom and dad don't figuratively, then literally, move into your new place.

Load and Lock

If you want to prove to mom and dad you've got everything under control you've got to make it appear you've got everything under control. The way to keep them out of your place, and your hair, is to make the place feel like someplace they'd live (at least when they come to visit)First, gather up anything mom and dad might find offensive — from porn and sex toys to political party pamphlets with whom their viewpoints oppose. Load it all up into one box, find a clever hiding spot, and lock it all up.

Choose spots around the place where mom and dad can’t find a reason to look — buried deep in kitchen cabinets behind pots and pans, tucked under towels in linen closets or taped to your body like you're smuggling drugs from a third world country into the US. If mom and dad like the way you're living (oddly similar to the way they live) they won't find reasons to complain about your lifestyle, your home decor choices and the life you're living. As soon as they leave, you can flip the couch cusions back over to the pee-stained sides and re-hang your Scarface posters.

Don’t leave clues. Parents are like CSI investigators (minus the awesome shades and all the blood) and it only takes a couple clues in your place for them to start asking questions. Why are there feminine hygiene products in the guest bathroom? Is that blanket on the wall hiding something? Why don't you have a bed anymore? Where the hell is your bed?!?

There’s No Need For a Key

New apartments, condos and homes usually come with two sets of keys. One for daily use and the other in case you get too drunk and lose your keys. Instead of tossing them in a junk drawer

in the kitchen, or leaving them with a trustworthy friend or neighbor, guys will leave the keys with mom or dad. Even though the keys are for emergencies only, the parents will find any reason to use them to gain access, conveniently when you’re not around. “Oh, you went to the gym? Well we were in the neighborhood and wanted to drop off a giant vat of pot roast. We’ll just let ourselves in. Hope you remembered to put your copy of Butt Sluts II: Back in Cabo back in the entertainment center.

Giving your keys to people other than parents not only discourages parents from busting into your place when you’re not around, it makes you a little less dependant on mom and dad bailing you out of dumb situations. Plus, it’s much easier to explain that copy of Butt Sluts to your neighbor than it is to your mom. Maybe you should start by explaining the premise of Butt Sluts I?

Don't Ask Them For Every Little Thing

It's understandable that you don't know every single thing about owning or renting your own place. You don't have much experience with blown fuses, leaking plumbing and it sounds like gladiators in full armor are waging war in the dishwasher. It's natural to ask mom and dad for advice, or help, dealing with domestic issues. The problem is that the more and more mom and dad help out, especially monetarily, the more the place becomes partly their place. Dropping $500 to get the gladiators to give it a rest so you can do a load of dishes means the dishwasher is now partially their dishwasher. Only ask for help if it's an emergency. If the emergency involves mom and dad forking out cash, pay them back the minute you've got the money.

Stop Doing it To Them

You lived with mom and dad for close to twenty years, possibly longer, and maybe even in the exact same house the entire time. It was once your house. Bad news — once you move out it's not your house anymore. Sure, you can pop in for a meal or a place to crash to kill time, but you can't show up at their house and treat it as if you're still residing in the attic. You don't live in their house. Just as you don't want them living in your house. Remember how they don't have a key? You should turn in your key to your parents house at the front desk. Oh you didn't know they installed a front desk? It was right after your moved out.

If none of these ideas work, you should just be honest with mom and dad. Tell them how you feel and how you can't grow up if they are always around, hanging in your place, fixing your stuff, and doing porn sweeps. They'll understand. If they don't, lock the doors and don't answer when they knock. 

Follow Chris on Twitter.